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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29335836">Not Where You Live</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/tzigane/pseuds/tzigane'>tzigane</a>, <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caffiends/pseuds/Zaganthi'>Zaganthi (Caffiends)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Stargate Atlantis</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/M, M/M, Mind Control Aftermath &amp; Recovery, Rescue Missions, Sexual Abuse, Stockholm Syndrome, Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2006-09-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2006-09-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 02:21:58</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>75,150</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29335836</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/tzigane/pseuds/tzigane, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caffiends/pseuds/Zaganthi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Ronon was sprawled like a hunting kill, and part of Rodney expected Kolya to crouch down by his shoulders, smiling that big-cat smile of his while he pulled Ronon's head back to show how fierce the kill had been before he was turned into a pelt. Ronon was sprawled out dead and Major, no, Colonel Sheppard was burning.<br/>John was burning.<br/>John was...<br/>John...</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Acastus Kolya/Rodney McKay, Rodney McKay/John Sheppard, Rodney McKay/Other(s)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Stories I've Read</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Not Where You Live</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This is a read at your own risk for tags, because I can't. Honestly remember the whole story, and will have to properly tag it out later.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>He'd volunteered for it. </p><p>It was innocuous, how fear of failure could escalate to fear of dying, and he'd just offer and offer, volunteer and volunteer until he gave too much because no one was there to tell him no, no, that could kill us all. That his rising tide of fear might carry him back to Earth again in a Hive ship. </p><p>The crest of fear was always there. Always there, just at the edge of his mind, the thought that maybe he'd fall over the edge and that would be the end of his usefulness. Sometimes, when he wasn't exhausted and the quiet of a city that wasn't organic but was self-sufficient, semi-sentient, he wondered if he'd ever break under the constant pressure of it. One day, that edge he'd been riding for two years would lose its sharpness, and he'd turn numb or break. </p><p>Now that he'd been on a piece of science that breathed and healed itself, a piece of ship that the term 'virus' could mean something completely different for, now that he'd seen the best diplomatic attempts collapse and another stupid skin of the teeth rescue, it came rushing at him. There had been explosions and something that John had done that had made the air smell like fire. He wasn't sure, because fact and panic were still dizzyingly tangled, and he wanted to lose his footing. </p><p>They had been almost dead. Ronon and him, they were almost dead, almost Wraith food, desperate and withered away like Gall. Their bodies broken down into particles and energy signatures by technology that rivaled the gate, and dropped into the middle of a dirty, muggy downpour. There was water in his mouth when he tilted his head to look up, and a sharp moment of panicked confusion when he saw the shape of a dart passing over their heads again before his brain supplied 'stolen' and 'John' into his thoughts, and he steadied himself by reaching a hand out to rest on Ronon's arm. </p><p>A solid thick downpour felt like survival, and John, well, he could park, land the dart, and they could gate out of there, back home, and god, the city needed him. There was work he needed to do, things he couldn't even reach his mind around, but if the Wraith were going to turn back on them, or they were sharing a way to head back to Earth, then they needed to supplement the shields. He should have been able to transport back to the Daedalus. And if it didn't work, and the Wraith knew and broke the alliance and went back to the city, then they needed to work. He needed to be there. Fall back to the Plan B of the last time, with an alpha base and evacuation and destroying the city with all of its precious secrets.</p><p>"Ronon, we need to find the gate. We need to get back to Atlantis as soon as Colonel Sheppard lands." The words were barely out of his throat, shivering out under the drumming pour of rain, when something about the dart caught his ear.<br/>
The engine sounded wrong, wound up too slow, like dirty spark plugs or, or something, but he knew that sound from when he'd fixed that first Wraith dart that John had flown. He knew that sound, and it wasn't a flying sound, no. It was a sound that made Ronon cuss, and start to run towards the falling dart, like that could help, like they could -- maybe he'd survive, and Carson was still in Atlantis, maybe they could gate a team there, and then there was the explosion and the grinding of organic metals and ores against hard rocky ground. </p><p>Rodney wished he were numb. He wished he didn't feel everything in sharp, prickly spikes of horror, a sickening, nauseating sorrow that just seemed to swell and swell in the pit of his torso. He'd learned to deal with that, to act beyond it, learned to escape from Wraith and keep going, learned to run towards explosions like some kind of complete idiot the way that Ronon was, but he knew. He knew what was coming, and when the secondary explosion roiled outwards, he saw Ronon bowled over in the wash of air and he knew.</p><p>He knew John wasn't going to come walking out of that one. He knew, no matter what, that John was... That John wasn't coming back to Atlantis with them.</p><p>Rodney knew.</p><p>He wished that he'd screamed or yelled or that his voice did more than catch in his throat because a man like that, a death like that, deserved more than the juddering noise that escaped Rodney's chest. They'd lost so many on the expedition, and all he could ever do was stare and choke and not even move while Ronon crawled on his hands and knees away from the secondary blast. Fuel source, power source, the one that someone in the lab had joked looked like a Christmas ornament.</p><p>If they had Christmas in Hell. Maybe.</p><p>"Dr. McKay. I have to admit, it's a surprise to see you here. I had thought that I would have to come and find you."</p><p>Maybe this planet was named Christmas in Hell, if he thought about it. The owner of that voice was supposed to be missing, not standing there with his hands clasped behind his back.</p><p>The uniform -- which made Rodney think of his first roommate from college who'd been a World War I reenactor -- had seen better days, and maybe the owner of that voice had seen better days, but Rodney knew he'd seen better days, cusp of fear that was threatening to suffocate him or not. </p><p>John Sheppard's corpse was incinerating behind him. Sheppard had died trying to save him and Ronon so that some colossal alignment of the planets could deliver him into enemy hands. Rodney stared for maybe a minute too long before his legs started to work, started to carry him backwards towards Ronon and the ship, and he reached for a sidearm that wasn't there.</p><p>"Now, really, Dr. McKay. I don't think it's going to do any good for you to go in that direction, do you?" That smile was enough to terrify him, really. The smile was worse than the grim, direct look that Rodney associated with knives and blood and painterrordripping, worse because Acastus Kolya seemed so pleased with himself. "It'll be easier to come with me. I even have something for you. Something I went to a great deal of effort to retrieve."</p><p>That could have been anything from C4 to, to Rodney didn't know what, but he didn't think he'd ever been the sort of child who'd wander into an unmarked van to look at someone's puppies, and Ronon was grunting, getting to his feet. Ronon had knives even if they didn't have guns, and Kolya was, had to be less of a threat than the Wraith that Ronon brought down, than the Marines he beat up every day in practice.</p><p>"You know what? Keep it. Whatever it is, I probably have ten of them."</p><p>"Really?" How had he missed that box at Kolya's feet? How had Kolya got it there, for that matter? There were parts missing, things Rodney couldn't lay his finger on despite desperate efforts. Shock, part of him realized, combined with hypoglycemia and that stomach-wrenching grief. "Of this?"</p><p>This. Open box fully charged ZedPM glowing gently inside and...</p><p>And where was Ronon?</p><p>"You have a ZedPM." He dreamed about those. He dreamed about finding them because if there were two more, and maybe a spare, god, the city could be fixed. Everything could be fixed, and they could last and hold out in a way that only the Ancients had, and Earth would be safe and there were so many possibilities, possibilities that he'd volunteered for.</p><p>That was what he'd volunteered for that mission for. For the learning, for the technology and the wonder of it, not the way that smoke curled into his nostrils and he staggered a little when he twisted to look for Ronon. He was on the ground, flat out on his stomach. He, and that shouldn't have happened except his reality was cutting and sliding left and right in a way that meant he needed a power bar and to put his head between his knees someplace that no one was watching.</p><p>"I do." Kolya's voice was starting to fade in and out in Rodney's ears. "I have a ZedPM, and I am willing to let you work on it, Dr. McKay. Rodney." The sound of his name was... something. Something Rodney couldn't place with the world going wobbly around him. "All you have to do is say yes."</p><p>"This isn't the best time to have me negotiate for, for Atlantis, we just..." </p><p>It wasn't about negotiation. His brain knew it, and his lips didn't seem to, his throat, because Ronon was laying down. Ronon was sprawled like a hunting kill, and part of Rodney expected Kolya to crouch down by his shoulders, smiling that big-cat smile of his while he pulled Ronon's head back to show how fierce the kill had been before he was turned into a pelt. Ronon was sprawled out dead and Major, no, Colonel Sheppard was burning.</p><p>John was burning.</p><p>John was...</p><p>John....</p><p>Rodney never felt it when he crumpled to the dirt in front of the gate.</p>
<hr/><p>Waking was something of a phenomenon. Usually, Rodney opened his eyes, and he was there. He was aware, and there were formulas already flowing and dancing in the back of his mind. True, they weren't eloquent until after the first four cups of coffee, but they were there and real, almost solid in a way that would surprise most people.</p><p>This was different. This was slow and warm, and there was a smell in the air that reminded him of cheese blintz with strawberries.</p><p>It was a little bizarre, but everything in Pegasus had that edge, that faint tinge of bizarre that meant he just needed to inspect it a little more, look at it a little harder. Waking up slow and warm, eyes crushed tight closed because he didn't want to move yet usually went hand in hand with sickness, with his blood sugar crashing out on him, with the comedown after Carson locked the metaphorical pharmacy. But he was warm, blankets piled up on his back.</p><p>That was something. It was different from his bedroom, his lovely hard mattress and the clean sea air smell of Atlantis. It was different enough that memory sought to kick in, tried and failed.</p><p>Reboot. Well, or caffeine. Either one would be a start.</p><p>"Awake?" That voice was enough to shock him awake, and Rodney shifted. He regretted it almost immediately, nausea rising up and sending him back to the mattress with a low sound that he would never in a million years admit was a whimper. "You're sick, or so I'm told. We have doctors here. Perhaps not as good as Dr. Beckett, but they've learned from him. I know something of your condition. Here. Roll over."</p><p>Roll over. Ha.</p><p>He wanted to hug onto the mattress, hug onto the pillow and never let go, because his back was better than revealing softer parts, than turning over and -- except his back was his kidneys, too, and they were pretty vulnerable. It made Rodney wish he was a turtle with a shell he could pull his limbs in for safety and hide until everything went away.</p><p>But he rolled over. Slowly. He got one arm under him and pressed his forearm and elbow against the mattress so he could use it for leverage in a way that hopefully wouldn't make the world spin so badly.</p><p>There were hands on him, one on his upper arm, almost ridiculously gentle. Considering the hand belonged to the man who had ordered someone to slice into his arm with a knife, that just freaked him out even more than before. "Here. Let me help you. I'll shift the pillows, and then assist you with breakfast."</p><p>He could escape after breakfast.</p><p>It was a bizarre bubble of a thought, but he could make a break for it sometime, work his way out of their poorly shielded cavern of a city, and find the gate. The gate was just past the fake Amish township, it wouldn't be so hard to find. Like that funny little fake German town in Georgia, it stuck out like a sore thumb in Rodney's mind. And past that, the gate.</p><p>And past the Gate, Atlantis. Step A to step B to step C, and he could do it. But that didn't stop him from asking, "Why?"</p><p>"Why?" He wondered if Kolya had been expecting that question if he even knew how to answer it. Why. Because Rodney was fun to torture, more likely than not, because they needed someone to work on their shielding, to, to do things for them, mechanical things, engineering things, Ancient things, and they thought Rodney was their best bet. "Because Atlantis is no more. Sheppard is no more. You can be of use to us, Dr. McKay, in so many ways." Ways that had been suggested previously by a hand on his arm, a look, but those looks had all culminated in, 'Well, you have four chances to get it right'.</p><p>Because after the lives the Genii had lost to them, what were the four of them when the Genii were trying to stop them from getting a ZedPM? Out of spite.</p><p>They couldn't use ZedPMs, and-- "Wait. Atlantis is... gone?" Did he mean the game, the lie that it was gone, because Ladon had been sure, had known that the city was still there, had been inside. Kolya was supposed to be dead, but he wasn't. He had a hand on Rodney's shoulder, and he was pulling him upright, onto his back, shoving a pillow behind him in ways that seemed too gentle.</p><p>Frighteningly too gentle.</p><p>"You were aboard Hive ships, if your sleep-ramblings are accurate. It would seem that one of the ships remained intact long enough to alert the others that Atlantis was not gone, after all. You've been asleep quite some time, Dr. McKay."</p><p>Long enough for the Pegasus galaxy version of ten year olds playing telephone to fire up, intergate communications and maybe murmurs from planets that had taken in survivors. The last time, when they'd faked Atlantis's destruction, that hadn't been done. It should have been done, because it was normal for the ebb and flow of migrants newly made homeless from a culling to flee.</p><p>Except it wasn't normal anywhere outside of Pegasus. "I, how, how long?" Long enough that he woke up sore and warm and long enough that he was so shaky that Commander Kolya could make him sit up. The hand pushed him back against the pillows, and he was sitting up despite the fact that everything hurt. "Shouldn't you have minions doing this?"</p><p>The cut of those eyes made him shudder despite himself. "You and I, we understand one another, don't we, McKay? You know what I'll do to get what I want, and I know what you'll do to keep me from hurting you any more than necessary. There's nothing for you to go back to now, so I feel that it might be easier for me to take this small duty to gain other concessions as time goes by." There was no answer as to how long he'd been sleeping, resting, unconscious.</p><p>Kolya probably didn't want him to know. Maybe it was a couple of days, and maybe it had been longer. He was going to err towards a couple of days. He couldn't, didn't want to believe it was longer than that. "It's not exactly manipulation if you tell me you're doing it while you do it." Except he could smell food and he wanted it. Rodney was hungry and he was pretty sure that if he hadn't been sat up, he wouldn't have been able to sit up. His hands were shaking when he wrapped his fingers into the edge of the blanket, pulling it up.</p><p>He wasn't wearing any pants.</p><p>That was a funny realization to have in the middle of everything, in the middle of hearing lies about Atlantis blowing up (lies that didn't sound like lies, because they wouldn't have thought of using the Pegasus galaxy phone tree this time around, either, no, they wouldn't have), amidst the shaky weak feeling of blood sugar so low that he was probably crashing.</p><p>"Then consider it gentle persuasion."</p><p>"I see." He really wished that he was wearing pants. The last time he'd woken up naked and not alone he'd had a disembodied marine in his head, and she wanted to fuck Carson. There were no words for how confusing and wrong that had all been, because she hadn't seen Carson naked, clearly, and Rodney had seen him standing naked in snow at McMurdo, with his cock and balls shrunk up from the cold until he looked like a prepubescent in a high school locker room, and...</p><p>"And if I'm not agreeable?"</p><p>That roll of shoulders said more than words possibly could. The motion itself entailed sharp objects and the gentle, easy slide across skin that would draw forth blood. Just the thought left him a trembling wreck. "If you're not agreeable, Dr. McKay, I suppose there are other purposes you could be used for."</p><p>He could imagine himself at hard labor or maybe in whatever foul radioactive mine that the Genii found their radioactive materials in. It left him a little curious about how they made their lighting, if it was all radioactive poisonous glow, too. "Can I have something to eat?"</p><p>"Of course. Not too much. It's been some time since you last ate, and we were only able to get broth into you." We, so someone else had been in the room at some point, and they'd obviously seen him without pants, as well. Great.</p><p>"It doesn't feel like you drowned me, so whoever did it knew what they were doing." He tried to move a leg, and felt the shift of blankets against bare skin, fabric resting against the inside of his thigh because of the loose positioning of his legs. Rodney tried not to give in to the urge to cross his legs. He watched Kolya move away, stand up, picking up a bowl of something.</p><p>Maybe it would have citrus in it and he could just get being dead over with. That'd be a stroke of luck, maybe even pure genius. They'd never tried those Tava beans, after all. Maybe they tasted like chocolate and were just as deadly as lemons.</p><p>A man could hope.</p><p>"I've fed many a sick man. Idos, son of Athor, for example." There was something about the way he said it, an edge, a barb. Idos was... Idos was one of the sixty that John had killed by putting up the eye. "His father died when he was young, and so I helped to nurse him through many illnesses. I know what I'm doing."</p><p>There had been a sort of companionship between the men. It felt like a team, like they all knew each other, and Rodney half-remembered that he'd been trying to tell Kolya that it wasn't safe, except. Except, no one listened to him except when it wasn't going to do them any damn good. </p><p>"I... guess you do." It was a stupid time to want to warn about his allergy, because he could half imagine the man holding an orange over his face like a threat. He didn't need anything else in his probably long list of things he could do, from bugs with stingers to experiment with to that inevitable slice of flesh.</p><p>"Good. I'm glad you agree. Now, settle down, and I'll help you, Doctor." He was already shifting Rodney a little, and it made his head swim, so maybe they'd been drugging him a bit, keeping him asleep. Maybe they had been experimenting on him while he was unconscious or... "And stop setting up desperate scenarios in your head. When it's time, I'll make sure they're real enough for you."</p><p>"Great. Really. When I'm being tortured I really want to know it." It wasn't the time for that edge to rise in his voice, and hysteria wasn't going to get him anywhere, but his tongue was going on without permission from his brain. Kolya sat on the edge of the bed, one leg tucked under him. The bowl looked like oatmeal, maybe, or that nasty goo the Americans called grits. Why did they have to try to give Americanized creamed wheat a 'fun' name?</p><p>"Then don't worry. You'll always know with me when it's time for the torture to begin."</p><p>There was a wooden spoon, one that was full of whatever oat-thing he had, and it was being ladled into his mouth. There were spices, something that seemed like allspice, and cinnamon, and a touch of something else. Nuts, and something almost like raisins, butter and honey.</p><p>For oatmeal goo, it was pretty good, actually.</p><p>He sagged a little, and swallowed that first mouthful, and then the second spoonful that was offered to him after a pause. Rodney needed to be strong enough to come up with a plan, and he needed not to think about hands on his shoulders and a serrated knife and a fist lashing out at his head like he was one of those easy to hit clowns that had the weight in their feet. Just a punching bag, nothing. There was no way he could overpower Kolya, anymore than he could have, could have overpowered Sheppard.</p><p>Sheppard.</p><p>The Colonel was dead. The dart explosion must have killed him, would have killed anyone, so hoping otherwise was pretty pointless. Rescue wasn't coming because John's turn to save him had ended in a fiery ball, and Rodney might be a genius, but he hadn't been able to save John from that.</p><p>Everything turned cold in his mouth, in the pit of his belly, and he turned away, on the verge of gagging.</p><p>"Eat, McKay. Don't make me force you. You have to eat to become strong. You want that, don't you? To make it easier to get away."</p><p>"What, can you read my fucking mind, too?!" That rising edge of fear made his voice crack, and he coughed, brought a hand up to cover his mouth so he didn't throw up. Wasn't going to. No Genii were mind-readers. If anyone was close to Ascension in the Pegasus galaxy, it wasn't them.</p><p>Except he was right. No one was going to rescue him if John was dead. They were all going to be presumed dead, and Ronon was, was, too.</p><p>Scornful amusement got him dropped back, and the wave of nausea rose thick into his throat. "Don't be stupid, McKay. Of course you're thinking of how to get out of here. You're wondering if I've laced the food with poison, or something that's poison to you. You're wondering what I plan to do next." The general rose, towered over him and oh. Oh, God, yeah, being fed was better than this.</p><p>Rodney wished he hadn't said anything at all. Wished he hadn't thought of John because he couldn't bring Sheppard back, couldn't save him, and he couldn't save himself if he was being towered over. The sitting, the spoon, had been surreal, but now he was wondering if he was going to be beaten to death with it.</p><p>Except they wanted him for something. Needed him for something, after all, no one took a hostage for no reason at all.</p><p>"Fine. It's inevitable, I suppose. Stay here. Sulk until I come back." Was it that easy? Really? Rodney hadn't thought that it would be, or anything close to it. They wouldn't just leave him there like a child sent to his room to pout until he'd been punished enough.</p><p>It was hard not to stare a little, watching Kolya put the bowl down. He could think of four times that he'd made the man angry -- two had ended with physical confrontation and two had ended with that slightly sharp look, and a certain forced sense of calm that he could almost smell in the air now. "I'm not trying to be a troublesome hostage, but it's not a role I take to."</p><p>"One way or another, I think you should accustom yourself to it, Dr. McKay. I'm afraid that you're going to be with us for some time to come."</p><p>Great.</p><p>He didn't say it, but he probably thought it loud enough for Kolya to hear. But he left Rodney with the bowl, still propped up in bed. It made the heavy thunk of the door, and the odd metallic noise that followed a little less startling. Locked in. Of course.</p><p>It only went to figure, really. It wasn't as if he had lock picks at his fingers, and Rodney had never been the kind of person who was good with that kind of thing. His hands were too big, square-tipped fingers blunt. He could build bombs, rearrange wires, he had finesse, but locks had defeated him for years.</p><p>It wasn't his thing, even if he'd always suspected that Zelenka could do it. It seemed like something that he was capable of, something that his hands were capable of. And even if Rodney was Zelenka, it wouldn't have mattered. Trying to wrap his blunted hands around the handle of the spoon, lifting the bowl onto his lap, it took effort, and he was tired. Tired and hungry were a vicious cycle and if he could stave off one, then the other would come more naturally. He could sleep, and rest once he'd eaten a little more.</p><p>He could sleep...</p><p>His eyes were closed before he finished the bowl, but he wasn't so far gone that he didn't feel it when someone gently took it away so that it didn't spill all over him.</p>
<hr/><p>They cycled through leaders slowly. </p><p>The Genii did not take well to quick, unexpected changes. Some people bent like plants in a river before the tides of change. The Genii were the seawall to change, the breaker. They set their own path, and damn those who interfered with the way things were supposed to progress. </p><p>The 'Lanteans were those water reeds, moving and flowing with change. They were going to have to flow with a new change, the change that the head of their military was dead, the change that their most prized scientist was 'dead'. The only flaw was that he needed to speak with Ladon to shift his view to one that was favorable to Acastus.</p><p>The first time he had seen McKay, he had wanted nothing more than to wipe the words from his mouth with blood, wash them loose from that tongue in a spatter of salty red. McKay was an irritating man, and Acastus was accustomed to everyone shutting their mouths and obeying him quickly when he demanded it. McKay hadn't done that. He had broken when the knife had flayed delicately into the skin and muscle of his arm, yes, stroke after stroke, but McKay wasn't a soldier. He was a scientist, and for a scientist, he had done well. He had stood up for Weir despite his fear, and when Acastus had finally used his fist to fill that rapidly speaking mouth, there had been such a spark there that he had wanted...</p><p>Well.</p><p>He had wanted things that he didn't do in front of his men. Some commanders would have, but Acastus preferred to be professional. He hadn't gotten as far as he had in life by being a fool or letting his men see him as anything other than in control. Anger could be a kind of control, and after they'd lost so many...</p><p>After he'd lost so many. Because of the 'Lanteans. If he could just take and keep one of theirs, it might be worth it. McKay would take time and careful manipulation, but his scientific mind was impressive and the improvements he could bring to the city...</p><p>That was his focus. He wanted to keep McKay, keep him alive, for the sake of the Genii's continued survival against the Wraith. That was the way he planned to phrase it to Ladon, and he'd have to push it hard. They had come to something resembling an agreement, a quiet détente if not rapprochement, once Ladon had come into power, his sister returned to the underground city in what the 'Lanteans called remission. They had received advice, as well, information on creating better shields, and those were in place now, as helpful as they could be. Ladon might be reluctant to keep McKay. After all, he didn't want to damage relations with the 'Lanteans when they were on such 'steady' ground, but the gains were worth it. The advances they could make with McKay there, instead of the scraps the 'Lanteans threw them when they were bored of amusing themselves, would be immense.</p><p>He just needed permission to work on it, work on McKay.</p><p>There was a guard outside of Ladon's office, but he knew the boy. A young man who was more of an errand boy than a protector. Ladon was strong enough to protect himself in the time it would take for an alarm to sound, scientist trained well in military matters.</p><p>Trained better than McKay, in point of fact, although the advances at McKay's fingertips made him a better scientist. That was something he would use ruthlessly to his own advantage, hiding all of the other reasons he wanted to keep McKay. McKay and his smart, rambling mouth, soft under Acastus's thumb, slightly chapped in drugged sleep.</p><p>"General," the boy greeted him, and Acastus gave him a nod even as the boy reached to open the door.</p><p>No question. He had come back to open arms among the Genii after he'd explained his problems trying to gate back. That his codes had been denied and Cowan had tried to simply lock him off of the Homeworld, once Ladon had gotten the gate's shield up. He'd tried, and he'd tried.</p><p>And once he'd realized it was at least temporarily a lost cause, and that going back would leave him dead, he'd turned his interests to more useful pursuits.</p><p>"Ladon. I would like a word with you."</p><p>There had been something almost boyish about the Genii's leader before. Almost. Now, it was flattened slightly, brushed down with worry that Cowan had never displayed. Not so long as Acastus had known him, in any case, and that had been most of both their lives. Ladon would do a fine job.</p><p>He just needed a little prodding in the proper direction.</p><p>"Commander Kolya. Please, come in. I'm always glad to see you on my doorstep." Proverbial or otherwise.</p><p>"I wanted to speak with you about the fruit of my scouting expedition." Ladon might know that it was McKay. Acastus had him tucked away in the safety of in his House, but he wasn't fool enough to think that any gate activity would go unobserved, or that an extra life sign would be easily ignored.</p><p>They all knew that Chronos was dead; that Idos, his son, was also dead. They would expect him to take comfort, perhaps, bring home a whore, someone to settle into gentle pursuits that seemed desperately unsuited to him outside of the walls in which his ancestors had always lived. Yes. Ladon would know that someone was there.</p><p>Time would tell whether he knew exactly who.</p><p>"I was wondering when you might come to me with more specifics. You were away for a very long time, Commander. We were deeply worried about you." That was truth, spoken from tired lips. Acastus could taste it, the way he had tasted McKay's blood on his fingertips.</p><p>"I did not mean to cause concern," he told Ladon honestly, moving away from the shut door and towards Ladon's desk. "I was carried away in pursuing possible assets for the Genii. I have retrieved the ZPM from the Dagan, in a manner that does not unsettle our relationship with their people."</p><p>"So you stole it from under their noses. Most impressive, Commander." And obviously pleasing, in its way. Ladon seemed almost excited. "We now have something to trade with the 'Lanteans." He leaned forward. "Particularly in the medical arena."</p><p>Kolya had to admit they were advanced in that area. They had drugs and techniques that their people needed to learn, needed to make for themselves, and did not have to time to reach that point of progression naturally. They would have, if the 'Lanteans had not wakened the Wraith ahead of their time, if they had not started the cullings early.</p><p>Now there was simply not enough time. "The ZPM is yours to barter as you see best for the Genii, Ladon. We cannot use it, and the 'Lanteans want it more than some people want water. But I brought back something from Dagan that I do not want returned to them."</p><p>Ahhh. Yes. Yes, Ladon had at least some small inkling. The expression that crossed his face, the way he leaned back in the chair, the combination said it all. "Which one?" Simple, easy as that. It could only be one of two, and Ladon knew as well as Acastus which one it was likely to be.</p><p>Ladon knew Acastus, remembered Chronos, remembered things about his old commander. "Doctor McKay."</p><p>"Doctor McKay is very important to the 'Lanteans. We could receive even greater concessions for them if we saw to his return." Ladon leaned back slowly. "On the other hand, the loss of Chronos was a great one, as well." Greater to Acastus than to the Genii.</p><p>In terms of brilliance, Chronos was a very well formed candle, and McKay was the sun. But Chronos has been Acastus's candle, had been his right hand and more and there was a price that had not been paid for that loss. There had been many losses that they had allowed to slide in the face of the 'Lanteans' growing power, too many. "Doctor McKay could be a valuable asset to our scientific progresses. It would not take much convincing to get him to work with our equipment, provided that he was being kept satisfactorily. You have seen how he worked, Ladon, when he first came to our Homeworld." </p><p>When he'd predicted the medical tragedy that would soon befall so many of their people.</p><p>Ladon's hands folded together and he leaned forward slowly, resting his elbows on the desk in front of him. "Commander, you realize that I can have no knowledge of the man you keep in your House," he said slowly, thoughtfully. "Only that you have chosen someone from another world to alleviate your... loneliness." Loneliness because the child of his sister was dead. Loneliness because his brother-in-arms, his... Because Chronos was poisoned. "If that someone should happen to work within the confines if your House..." Then all would be well.</p><p>All would be well. He inclined his head slightly. "Then it would be a happy coincidence. The subject will not come up again, but I appreciate your deference to my... selection." If they were going with that theme, that way of explaining things. Ladon would claim honest ignorance when they dealt with the 'Lanteans again, and Kolya would have what he wanted.</p><p>And the Genii would still benefit.</p><p>Ladon leaned back slowly, gave a deep sigh. "I can only assume that you have made it very difficult for them to connect the fact that Dr. McKay is missing to where he actually is. You're the best at what you do, after all, Commander. Of course, Colonel Sheppard... he doesn't let go of things lightly."</p><p>If at all, and Acastus had a feeling about that. He was going to ignore it, though, ignore it for all of the things that he wanted. He had McKay. He could twist and shape things to his own liking.</p><p>"McKay suggested that Sheppard died in a crash that I witnessed. While I don't know if this is true..." There were no witnesses. No one had seen, and as long as he kept McKay in his House, then there would be no more witnesses. "I was prepared for the nature of McKay's fate to be untraceable."</p><p>"That being the case, I think it's safe to say that we'd be glad to accept any contributions you wish to make. Although..." Ladon looked at him, and there was something in that gaze. Kindness, perhaps. Understanding. Something Acastus didn't want. "Well. Perhaps another time."</p><p>Some other time, Ladon would share his softer sensibilities with Acastus, or perhaps not. He knew that Acastus was capable, that he knew what he was doing. It just did not always seem like it.</p><p>"Of course. Thank you, sir. I'll return to my training duties now. The ZPM will be delivered to the vault within the hour."</p><p>"Perhaps your House guest will want to experiment with it at a later date." Yes. He could imagine the brightness in those eyes, promptly followed by a suicide attempt. It was better used in bargaining with the 'Lanteans for medical care and education. "Before we trade it for those things we need so badly. Have a good day, Commander. I'm deeply grateful for your return, as I'm sure we all are."</p><p>He inclined his head to Ladon, and considered it a dismissal. There were men to see to, and the very real possibility that they had taken to backsliding in his absence. Some of them did not have enough passion, and should have been on the surface, tending the fields. But they came from the right houses, and he always ended up beating the stubbornness and the pride out of them.</p><p>So many of them ended up as good soldiers when he was done with them.</p><p>So many of them ended up dead, two and three and sixty at a time.</p><p>"Until we meet again, Commander."</p><p>Easy as that, he was back in his niche. His single, perfect niche.</p>
<hr/><p>It was the same pattern for the first couple of days. </p><p>The first problem was that Rodney wasn't sure whether it had been just one long day or a week or how long. There was no light down there, no clocks, no hour glasses. He supposed that was part of the plan to drive him insane, along with a complete lack of bathrooms. There was a chamber pot, and there was maybe what he hoped was a bathroom, but the door to it was padlocked. Maybe it was a shower.</p><p>It wasn't even that he was dirty. Every time he woke up the bedding had been changed, and when he woke up and Kolya was there, there was some new and somewhat interesting gruel to eat and be threatened with. Genii food was a little more palatable than Athosian food, to Rodney's tastes. It was the difference between British 'cuisine' and American.</p><p>The fact that he hadn't been threatened with any sharp objects thus far certainly had its bright spots. Actually, Rodney thought he could face a lot given a lack of sharp objects, and it was really pretty fascinating. He didn't go far from his bed because he couldn't leave his room, but there wasn't anything overtly reminiscent of pain or torture anywhere in there. He was given no knives, only wooden bowls and spoons, and that damn porcelain chamber pot.</p><p>On the third day (or second week; Rodney wasn't certain, still, and that was saying something about how much he slept, none of it good), there arrived a small bundle. It sat on a table near the door, covered gently, waiting.</p><p>It made him paranoid.</p><p>It also made him hope that the bundle consisted of, say. Pants. Pants and a shirt, so he could wear something other than his own embarrassment and fresh sheets. The thought that he could wrap himself up like one of those Greek-wannabes that they'd come across at MRX-1843 had crossed his mind, but he didn't have the ambition or the energy.</p><p>And he had enough of both to slide to his feet to see what the bundle was.</p><p>It was a precarious sort of thing to do; Rodney was uncertain about it, didn't want to get caught undressed. He had been a skinny too-smart kid allergic to too many things, and all of the implied gym dressing room abuse that implied had come his way and then some. In his early twenties, his shoulders had swelled, he'd thickened, and somehow, that had automatically translated to pudgy greedy man. Admittedly, that was because he was a little greedy. Just a little, but it wasn't as if anyone would ever give him something if he didn't take it for himself. He'd learned that a long time ago.</p><p>Running around without pants made him almost as nervous as the notion of accepting a strange gift from Kolya, a man who wasn't afraid to cut him up and leave him bleeding.</p><p>Still. Still, it was better than sleeping and lying there, wondering what was going to happen and where the other people from the expedition were and if anyone had found John, and oh, god, John. And Earth. If the Wraith had made it to Earth, because of him...</p><p>He needed to see what was in the bundle because if he didn't he was going to drive himself mad. Completely loopy in a very weird Lady MacBeth kind of way, and boy, just thinking about that made him cringe a little. He could probably spend the rest of his life washing off the metaphorical blood of all of Earth, of Sheppard and Ronon and all of Atlantis. It wouldn't do him any good, just like staying in bed wrapped in a sheet wouldn't, so he shuffled his way across the floor, the stone making his feet cringe with cold, and carefully pushed the covering on the object aside.</p><p>It was cloth folded over a simple sort of pressed paper box. Some girl up on the surface in a pretty dress had probably made it herself, but she definitely hadn't made the object that laid inside of it. </p><p>It was perfectly cylindrical, yes, but there were micro-ridges that made itself present when he picked it up and palmed it, a gentle soothing noise filling the air. Definitely Ancient, and he could feel it activating in his fingertips, a feeling that made his heart stutter for just a moment. The faint vibration eased out, and it curled in his hand, amazingly light and easy in a way that things usually just weren't, not until he'd gotten to the inside of them, made them work better, made them love him the way the city loved J...</p><p>But this was different. This was here, this was now, this was... completely putting him to sleep, actually. Huh.</p><p>Rodney left the box and the soft cloth wrapping on the tabletop, and shifted to sit back down on the bed so he could see if there was a way to turn it off. The vibration, the sense of it against his palm, the way it seemed to fit into his hand, it spoke of some sort of personal item. Like the shield he'd found and made his. And there was a mental component, yes, a mental component. Logically, all he had to do was think it off hard enough and it would magically do exactly what he wanted, shut off, let him take it apart if he could just find the right tools, and...</p><p>"I see you've found my gift for you."</p><p>The voice made his head jerk up, almost startled beyond bearing. "I. Urm. I, ah, yes, well. Yes. I do seem to have, ah, found it."</p><p>If he hadn't been holding it, if he hadn't been distracted, then he would have heard Kolya unlocking the doors, would have heard him coming into the room. It wouldn't have changed much, and he wouldn't have been able to pull off some stupid cunning hide-behind-the-door trick like Sheppard would have used, but at least he wouldn't have had the sheets wrapped around him like a toga. </p><p>It was somehow safer, more secure feeling when the sheets were stretched tight over the mattress and he was tucked inside them. The fact that it really wasn't made him shrink backwards even as his chin jutted up, entire head notched back so that he could glare at Kolya more effectively.</p><p>"Mmm. I enjoy that look of yours, Dr. McKay. It means that I didn't beat it out of you during our last meetings. I find that thought rather distasteful."</p><p>It wasn't the actual beating that Kolya found distasteful, Rodney knew that. He remembered every moment, every sharp touch and time he'd earned his right to keep living. This quiet, the vague threats and reminders of strength would only last so long. "That you did or didn't succeed?"</p><p>"What do you think?"</p><p>Good question, that. He thought that he was going to lose his life, probably sooner rather than later, and he was enough of a coward to admit that he enjoyed living. He'd like to keep doing it indefinitely, and the thought of dying made his mouth dry out, tongue sticking to the roof of it even as he opened his mouth and took a deep breath.</p><p>"Since I'm not sure which answer is going to piss you off more, can we just skip to you being angry? Or, you can tell me where you got this." He held up the object, his fingers shaking where his voice wasn't, because bravado took a hell of a lot of energy, and Kolya was leaning close.</p><p>"Ah, this. You like this?" he asked, reaching to touch it. Rodney's hand shied away, shaking despite himself. "I found it for you. I thought it might interest you. Brighten your day, as it were."</p><p>"It's Ancient, but you knew that." Rodney closed his fingers over it, and the faint vibration started in between his fingers again, the tiny micro-textures changing against the ridges and lines of his palm. "Where did you find it? If I had a context, I might be able to work out what it is without tools."</p><p>"Even the Genii haven't always been alone here, McKay. There are Ancestral cities, ruins, scattered in a variety of places throughout Pegasus galaxy. Our world is just one of many with ruins of the Ancestors scattered under trees and vines. I went to find this for you." As if the man would do him any kind of favors.</p><p>Rodney squeezed it gently, and shifted nervously, scooting back from Kolya. Maybe he was imagining it, and maybe the soft soothing sound was really driving him crazy, but Kolya was closer than he'd been. He was more than half-sitting on the edge of the mattress now, and it wasn't that big a mattress. "Why?"</p><p>There was something about the way Kolya looked at him, an expression Rodney had seen before. That expression meant 'you can't really be that stupid', and it made him nervous. "Doesn't it please you to have these things?"</p><p>"It, yes, yes, it does. I haven't seen anything like this before. But why? Why are you bringing me things and feeding me and why not just cut to the part where you torture me until I tell you anything you want because we both know I'm pretty good at it." Somewhere in there he stopped, took a breath, and almost swallowed his tongue. That was what happened when his common sense tried to re-synch with his brain after so long.</p><p>"Mmm." That sound, contemplation, made him even more nervous. That was never a good sign, particularly when it came to the rambling way his tongue seemed to determine to run away with him. "I find it easy to say that I'm bringing them to you for precisely the reason I stated. It pleases you to have them, thus it pleases me that it pleases you." Kolya's mouth stretched into a strained resemblance of a smile. It made Rodney shudder. "I have a certain interest in keeping you happy and well, Dr. McKay. You're the last of your kind here in Pegasus galaxy. You're a brilliant man, a man in which I have not hidden my interest." No, no, he hadn't. He'd just shown it with violence, and that was the part that was freaking Rodney right the hell out.</p><p>It was easier to be freaked out than it was to think about the fact that he was the last of his kind. He wasn't, just couldn't be. After all, there were a lot of humans, it was just that they were all a food source for the Wraith. </p><p>And Acastus Kolya was bringing him presents. He was keeping him hostage and bringing him gifts. Well, just one gift, unless he was counting meals and after some of the situations he'd been in since they'd arrived, he was definitely going to count meals.</p><p>"Why do you... want to keep me happy and well, again?"</p><p>"You're a brilliant man, doctor, or so you've often said. Why do you think?" Simple, easy as that, except it wasn't. No way was it as easy as that, because that was just wrong, that was wrong in ways that were right up there with the average Kavanaugh thought process kind of wrong, and he wasn't going to acknowledge it. He was going to lay low and say nuffin'.</p><p>That was harder than it seemed. He dropped his eyes for a moment, looking at the object he was holding tightly to. "You, uh. If I was here for some kind of hostage exchange or a, uh. You..." You. You was a Genii commander sitting on his bed, keeping him in a bed, and it all suddenly made startling sense to him.</p><p>That didn't make it any more of a comfort. "I think you're not really interested in having kids any time soon."</p><p>He just couldn't help himself.</p><p>The snort of laughter that sounded was something of a surprise, and it made Rodney shudder. "No. No, one dead child is enough within a lifetime, Dr. McKay. Courting gifts they are, then."</p><p>The hair on the back of Rodney's neck stood on end at the thought.</p><p>He was a dead man. Courting gifts from a Genii commander. Could you court a hostage? Was he even really a hostage? There was that thing with the locking doors, yes, and that was hard to argue. "So, uh. I." Rodney looked down for a moment, and cleared his throat again. "What kind of ruins did you find this in?"</p><p>Yes. If he pretended it wasn't happening then it obviously wasn't, and the voice in the back of his head that sounded like John could be ignored. Great plan, Rodney. The snake won't bite you if you stick your head in the basket so that you can't see him.</p><p>"A small outpost that the Ancestors left in the mountains. Perhaps, given time, you would like to visit it."</p><p>"I would." Except now he was wondering if 'outpost in the mountains' was a Genii sexual metaphor, and that wasn't a good time to think about snakes, either. He shifted his fingers on it, and halfway offered it to Kolya. "It needed the gene to activate it. It might do... whatever it's doing now even though you don't have the gene."</p><p>"Would you like to show me?" Suddenly, the equipment that Rodney had previously been contemplating as being some sort of child's toy emitting soothing waves of inaudible sound, possibly EM fields, seemed like something a lot more perverted. That hand was on his, and he wanted to jerk it back, wash it, wash himself off. Kolya seemed to sense that, and he removed it, slowly, easily, reluctantly.</p><p>Kolya could break his neck. He could give up on the niceties and he could leave Rodney tied to that bed, and he could skip on courting presents and move right on to fucking his brains out. And it was still six of one and half a dozen of the other, but Rodney preferred his half a dozen without injury and broken bones. </p><p>"I... yes. Here. Most Ancient equipment has a mental component, but it might work without. There's some sort of EM field..."</p><p>And the man was listening to him indulgently in a way that made Rodney's skin shiver, his entire body tingling with cold and fear, but it wasn't like he had anything resembling options. He had this thing about pain and dying and really, pain, to be honest about it, that just meant he was in no way prepared to be a hostage yet again. "Fascinating," Kolya murmured, and Rodney knew it was a lie, he knew, but he didn't dare say so.</p><p>Rodney wanted to pull sheets and blankets up over his head, but doing that would probably leave him flashing Kolya and that was the opposite of hiding like he wanted to do. He let it slide from his fingers to Kolya's, but the bigger hand stayed on top of his this time. " I, uh..."</p><p>"You're nervous. It's understandable," Kolya reassured him, and it just freaked Rodney right out. "I give you my solemn word that I will not force you in any way." Yeah. Right. That was right up there with the fairy tales they probably gave to Chinese teenagers when they stuffed them into cargo bins to send them to bordellos in California.</p><p>"Great, so, uh, the locks on the door are just for show?" He had to prod at it, had to say something when he knew what the answer was already going to be. But Kolya was right there, and Rodney McKay had been a nervous talker since that day in second grade when he'd peed himself in english class because the new Quebecois teacher had freaked him right out.</p><p>"To keep others out. None would dare come through the main areas of my House to steal you from it, despite those the 'Lanteans have killed." Never mind that they'd been killed and shot in return, or that they hadn't exactly provoked the Genii. There was no question of who had turned on whom first.</p><p>Not in Rodney's mind, not when he had been there. He'd been there, and he wondered where Kolya had been, then. "So if no one would dare, why...?" Why the triple lock, the nervous coed sort of locks. He could imagine that there were heavy chains on the outside.</p><p>"There are many ways in and out of the tunnels, Doctor. Rodney." His name, there on Kolya's lips, made him shudder. "That implies there are many ways in and out of the Houses. That tapestry there... It was woven by my mother. Behind it is a door, one hidden by another tapestry. Once, this was the chamber of the lady of the House. The door leads in directly from my own suite of rooms. I'm sure you'll appreciate the irony in that."</p><p>He did appreciate the irony, and of course, now that Kolya had told him that a picture wasn't just a picture, but a throwback to some bad Victorian novel, he expected to find out that door was locked, too.</p><p>It would explain why he didn't always hear all the locks being put on or off, though. So at least it was like a bad game of Clue, and didn't mean that Kolya was teleporting himself through the doors, because if there was a ranking list of peoples in Pegasus who were close to Ascension, Rodney had a suspicion that the Genii were right at the bottom. Along with those furry long-necked things the Athosians liked to cook over open flame.</p><p>"Yeah. You Genii are just a barrel of straightforwardness, aren't you? I've watched American soap operas with less intrigue than apparently making breakfast takes on this plant."</p><p>Right. He'd seen that look before, too. That one said Dr. McKay is cracking under the pressure, or something remarkably close to it, Rodney was sure. It wasn't a fun look by any means. Looks like that meant that Carson dialed back the amphetamines and they started shuffling him along to Heightmeyer.</p><p>Carson.</p><p>Just thinking about that hurt. Carson, Elizabeth, Radek (JOHN).... If Kolya was telling the truth, they were gone. All of them, gone, and that hurt in a deep, painful way that he wasn't ready to think about yet. Instead, he turned his attention to the device in his hands, fidgeting with it.</p><p>Kolya really didn't care about it, and if Rodney was honest, it lost a little of its interest for him once his brain had supplied that it was some kind of children's toy. It was familiar in ways that the city still was, though, and there was that possibility that it could have been deadly like everything else in the city. There was a fine line that ran the width of it, and Rodney slid his thumb nail against it, trying to see if it separated or if it was a design.</p><p>"There's a scanning device in my utility vest. I, I know the Wraith hadn't taken it, and if I could have it I could at least keep myself amused -- it's not a weapon."</p><p>"I'll have it looked over and I'll bring it to you." Yeah, Rodney had kind of figured on that answer. He wasn't a prisoner or a hostage, no, of course not, but... just in case.</p><p>He was still getting wooden bowls and spoons, too, nothing with a sharp edge. Ha. As if he'd even do something as stupid as trying to kill himself. That was J...</p><p>No. He wouldn't do that.</p><p>John tried to kill himself, no, did it accidentally being a stupid, stupid fucking hero. That was what happened to heroes. They got themselves killed, their bodies broken and burned. Everyone put a flag on it and called it an honor, but even Sheppard had seemed to understand that it wasn't. </p><p>And he didn't need to think about that. "I'd appreciate that, if it's not any trouble."</p><p>"No trouble at all, Dr. McKay. You'd prefer that I call you that, wouldn't you?" Not his given name. He'd prefer Kolya didn't call him at all, and maybe there was a very good reason that he was sleeping, one that meant he wasn't drugged. He was just...</p><p>They were dead. Rodney didn't want to believe it; he just didn't feel that he had much of a choice.</p><p>The toy, soother -- and of all the times not to have some idiot hovering over his shoulder giving things names, they were never then when he needed something named -- started to hum in his hand again. Great. It was a fucking mood-ring, too. Rodney closed his eyes, shut out Kolya's face and the tiny room and the probably radioactive lighting. "Does it matter?"</p><p>"Perhaps. If you say it does." Just one more thing, one more bit of puzzle. That's all it was, because Rodney had always possessed an overactive imagination, and he was guessing that this was fun, but torture was probably a lot more so, at least from any end not involving the pointy bit sticking into one's own skin. It was better to acquiesce than to bleed.</p><p>Except part of him just wanted to piss Kolya off. Part of him, the part of him that should have died back on that Wraith ship, because if they'd broken the, the stupid, idiotic partnership with Atlantis, then they probably hadn't just cut and run. They were too smart for that, and Rodney kept thinking about Earth.</p><p>Earth, burning, those sharp beams of light cutting down from the sky. Except they couldn't reach into the Genii bunkers. He was safe there, unless he counted the man who was watching him. </p><p>"Why are you doing this?"</p><p>"There's something about you, McKay. You're almost as smart as you say you are, maybe, but you're also stupid in strange, brave ways. How many other guns have you stepped in front of?"</p><p>Great. He'd had a brave moment and doomed himself to being the stalkee of a madman who had a thing for serrated blades.</p><p>"I don't make a habit of it. Only when I'm pretty sure we're all going to die anyway." Because if he'd shot Weir then Kolya would have realized that they needed two sets of codes to do anything that Rodney needed to do, and then he would have killed Rodney and moved on.</p><p>It was all self preservation, in a round about way.</p><p>Sort of.</p><p>"Mm. Yet you have this marvelous habit of not dying, no matter how dire your prediction. I think perhaps you're luckier than most in that respect, Doctor. Lucky enough to keep you around." Kolya stood, and that was a relief, a strange swelling of ease washing up in the center of Rodney's body, right behind the diaphragm. "I'll have your things brought to you. Not your clothing, of course. I'm afraid it's ruined. We have other things, however."</p><p>Amish-sort of clothing, he guessed. That was, that was fine. That was better than bedding. "Thank you. While... I wouldn't call your motives altruistic, you did keep me alive." And healthy, now that he was fairly sure that he'd be okay if they didn't drug his food again.</p><p>And alive, which really kind of meant a lot to him, all things considered. Rodney actually had kind of a thing about that whole dying experience. He didn't really want to do it if he didn't have to.</p><p>"You're welcome, McKay." Welcome, and Kolya reached out, his hand stroking along Rodney's face, making him want to jerk away from that touch. "I should probably tell you that there are worse things than dying."</p><p>"I'm not quite so sheltered that that thought hadn't ever crossed my mind before, but thanks for the reminder." Like Wraith scouring over Earth, or watching a nanovirus slowly kill people who'd trusted him to lead them in exploration, or the Gil's, or being mugged in a back alley, or watching his friends suffer injury after injury that were completely out of his grasp, or... Or, well, there was being gang-raped by Genii, which was worse than the reality of being held hostage by a Genii who was giving him courting gifts even if he was clearly insane.</p><p>Or a lot of things that Rodney could think of off the top of his head and he was still pretty sure that except for the possibility of a parasite inside of his head, being alive was still better. In the grand scheme of things.</p><p>It wasn't fun to get a Nobel Prize posthumously, which he was going to remember and think very hard on because Kolya's thumb was sliding over the edge of his cheekbone, fingers curling over the edge of his jaw and pressing against the side of his neck. Kolya had huge hands.</p><p>Rodney was a man. He was... yes, yes, a man's man, a paragon of manly virtue, a... Yes, all of those things. He had faith in his own worth and was not in any way embarrassed by his manly prowess or the size of his equally manly assets. On that note, he had also heard the murmurs about hand size as related to genitalia, and while he had nothing to be embarrassed about and had always preened and spread his own fingers wide to imply that it was true, he hoped to god that it wasn't. He hoped Kolya had a tiny dick, a really tiny one, and that everything else was just making up for it, overcompensating like body builders who were all little head and little penis and huge muscles. Except Kolya was just big, tall, and smiling at Rodney, sliding his hand back behind Rodney's neck. And he was going to break Rodney's neck if he moved, could probably do that, sure -- Ronon could, after all.</p><p>"Look, this is a lot of trouble to go to just to get laid..."</p><p>"Not just to get laid, McKay. Oh, no. There are many other advantages, all of which I assure you will be detailed at a later date." A later date, and oh, oh, god, oh, god, the man was right there on him and his sheet would come loose if he pulled away and....</p><p>Advantages like what? Having an ass to nail regularly, since Rodney was assuming he wasn't going to be released into the wild after one time. No, no, that wasn't his luck. And Kolya already knew that he wasn't brave and that if he wanted secrets and engineering and physics problems solved, Rodney McKay was his man.</p><p>So the other advantages were a little fuzzy in Rodney's mind. Not that it mattered, since Kolya was kneeling on top of him, and Rodney's hands closed tight around the 'gift' he'd been given, and then Kolya wasn't just on him, but he was kissing him, and the hand at the back of Rodney's neck was clearly to keep him from pulling away because Rodney would if he could, definitely, and no, no, that was not a tongue in his.... Oh, god, that was a tongue in his mouth all right, that was a tongue and it was not his own tongue, and....</p><p>Oh. Hey. Wait. Kolya was pulling away?</p><p>"Consider it a preview," the man practically growled, and those eyes were spitting a declaration that just sang going to kill you and eat you with my breakfast toast or something equally as warped and really just incredibly WRONG.</p><p>"A..." A preview. Rodney put his hand down on the mattress, and shifted to sit up more, staring at Kolya as he moved back, as he gave Rodney space and pulled his hand away. He was leaving, and either he had amazing self control for a sociopath, or, or Rodney didn't know.</p><p>He really hoped it was amazing self-control because sociopathy had never exactly done anything for him except make him wheeze and worry whether someone had dosed his drink with citrus because the rules didn't apply to them.</p><p>"I can make this pleasant for you, McKay. You don't have anywhere to go, or anyone to take you in. You're here with us regardless, and there are those among us who still blame the Lanteans for the dead."</p><p>Rodney should have been able to decide what dead Kolya meant, but there was a moment in his mind where he stuttered and couldn't decide whether the man meant the shield gate incident, or the Wraith in general, or that guy, the father of the hot blonde girl, or...</p><p>Probably all of the above. He shifted, and tried to straighten his sheet around his body. "What if I'm not gay, huh? I happen to have a preference for women with blonde hair and huge tits."</p><p>"Don't worry, McKay. You'll enjoy it before much longer." And then, yes, yes, the man was leaving, he was going away, and Rodney had a deep fondness for away when it came to Kolya. It was unfortunate that he got a good glimpse of the side to which the man dressed. It was even more unfortunate that the myth was, perhaps, holding true.</p><p>Damn. It was bad enough that a slip of tongue got the Genii at least half-hard, enough to bulge, but Rodney hoped he hadn't actually purposefully noticed that. No, he was just preparing for, well, the inevitable, apparently. Unless he could escape to a friendly planet.</p><p>But for the moment,. Kolya was leaving. Leaving Rodney with his toy and his bed sheets and locked doors. And the taste of warm lips, tongue, and a little moonshine.</p>
<hr/><p>He couldn't remember the last time he'd been so drunk. Probably when Idos had died. Acastus remembered the young man as he'd been when he was a child, Athor putting him down so that his feet touched the ground and saying to him, 'Go on, go see your uncle 'castus!'. He remembered the way Idos had flung up his arms and run gleefully, chubby legs stuttering and stumbling away beneath him, and that touch of vulnerability was something that had fallen away as he had grown to manhood. Coddling was something that could not be afforded a man.</p><p>The fact that Rodney McKay had given him a look that implied otherwise was really quite revealing, all told.</p><p>Rodney McKay was used to coddling. He said he understood fates worth than death, but it seemed the way of the false 'Lanteans to soften even that. His perceptions were skewed, unfit for survival in the galaxy, and yet there he was. And there was Acastus Kolya risking himself for the pleasure of keeping the man under his control. So he could coddle him when by all rights any man in the city should have been battle-fit.</p><p>Should have been ready to stand up and die as necessary to protect those less fortunate. Children, mostly. Women among the Genii were just as responsible, just as ready to give their lives, to fight to the last breath. McKay wasn't even that strong, and perhaps... Perhaps that was part of the draw right there, Acastus supposed.</p><p>He was physically weak. And mentally weak. And yet there he was, alive and complaining. He had worked in the off world along with the brilliant warriors and they did not seem to regard him as a drag to their ability. </p><p>Just their ears. And he did not seem inclined to talk too much to Acastus, but that was all right. That was fine, because Rodney would become comfortable with him in time. He would keep him and he would have him.</p><p>And for the moment, he would linger in the doorway, watching the man.</p><p>It was nice that he didn't have to drug McKay anymore to get him to rest. The first week and a half, it had been a necessity to keep him from realizing exactly what was happening. He had asked for Sheppard repeatedly, dazedly, for the Satedan. For someone else, Slenka, someone Kolya hadn't had the arguable pleasure of meeting. It had been better that way, and better to be sure he rested during the second week or so, as well.</p><p>Now....</p><p>Now he slept and he ate and he did not seem to show signs towards suicide. Most captured warriors would have, as a matter of honor. Or they would have tried to get back to their home planet, but Kolya was confident that he'd buried that problem quite well. It would only be a matter of time before McKay asked to see the gate,</p><p>But for now he was sitting in bed with his sensor in one hand, and the toy balanced on his knees. Admittedly, Acastus wanted to see it sliding between his knees, wanted to see McKay on his hands and knees with it sticking out of his ass.</p><p>"I can hear you breathing over there."</p><p>Well. So much for going unnoticed in the near-dark.</p><p>"I thought perhaps I should offer you a drink." Drinking alone was never a good sign. He remembered a few companions who had gone that course. Kolya had never found it comforting, himself.</p><p>"Great. I could use something to drink." He probably meant water, but they had liquor from distilled Tava beans. The Athosians and the 'Lanteans had apparently called it moonshine, but Acastus thought of it as second nature. Better than wine, more dependable. It burned and warmed as one, and could conveniently blot out memories if such a thing became a necessity.</p><p>In the past few months, it had been unfortunately necessary on more than one occasion.</p><p>He moved forward, the bottle carefully clasped by the neck as he sat down on the bed beside McKay. "Fetch a glass." McKay wasn't the kind of man to drink from the bottle.</p><p>The sheets gave a sharp tug, like McKay was trying to take them with him, and then he went still beside Kolya. "You can get it. I'm not getting up like this." Like he could truly hide anything when Acastus could strip back the sheet and see whatever he liked. Still, there was a certain piquant interest in that demand, in the ridiculously girlish refusal to allow Acastus to see him without clothing as if he hadn't already seen everything that McKay had when he had undressed him to begin with.</p><p>That girlishness explained some of the things on the table nearby. Acastus brought him things -- bits and pieces of Ancient devices, circuitry, crystals. He had also brought his mother's silver comb, a chest made of fragrant wood to hold these little prizes in should McKay be so interested. So far, he wasn't.</p><p>He wasn't interested in the chest or the comb, or the crystals, not particularly. McKay had asked for his sensor again, but Acastus still wasn't sure that he wouldn't activate some kind of homing device with it.</p><p>For the moment, he could humor McKay again, swinging his legs off of the edge of the bed to grab Rodney's wooden drinking cup. There wasn't any point to offering to just share the bottle. He'd just go on about germs again, blathering about tiny bits of foreign objects. Acastus didn't feel like explaining to him that the liquor wasn't exactly smooth as mother's milk, that it would likely kill most anything it came into contact with as far as germs went.</p><p>He stood, wobbling momentarily, and reached for the cup, grasping it before sitting heavily on the bed again. "Here. Here is your cup. You're very prissy, Dr. McKay. My sister's not so bad as you."</p><p>Or she hadn't been, before... Well.</p><p>"Good for her. I just prefer not to drink out of the bottle. It makes it taste worse, and I don't think that needs any help, even if you probably have back washed into it." McKay reached for his glass, fingers only drawing back a little when his hands met Rodney's. That was a good sign, too, one that held at least a small amount of promise. It was slow going, but Acastus had no need to hurry. If he had wanted to hurry, he could have used a knife.</p><p>He was fairly certain he wouldn't have needed to make more than one cut at most.</p><p>"Girlish," he announced again, and poured. It was a smooth flow of colorless drink, and he was careful to only pour so much. Not nearly as much as he would drink, or even the older of the children. Enough, perhaps, to loosen McKay up a bit.</p><p>He wondered what McKay would be like if he were to loosen up, and he wondered if it would speed things along or not. The man had been apparently feigning sleepiness, but he was starting to develop an awareness of when Kolya was in the room, in the area. Kolya had heard a few of his men comment that Chronos's ears perked up when he came into a room.</p><p>"I'm not girlish. I have manners," Rodney corrected while Kolya let him take the drink. He sipped right away, just a tiny taste, and his mouth pulled down, the obvious first reaction of sputtering barely halted. Well. That was better than the boy they'd had with them, not a bad reaction at all.</p><p>Acastus found himself deeply disappointed that he didn't sputter.</p><p>"Girlish," Acastus assured him, taking a long pull from the bottle. It felt good, burned all the way down. It almost burned away the thought of Chronos, turning to face him.</p><p>Almost.</p><p>"You're fastidious," he said a moment later, watching Rodney sip again. "My sister was less so than you, McKay, and she worked harder. Didn't spend all day playing with bits and bobs." They needed McKay, really, and perhaps if he poked at him, spurred him on, he'd want to see things. Plans. Blueprints. Science things.</p><p>He had enough of an understanding of McKay to know that the man relied on his ego. And perhaps that he was all ego, all self-pride. That could be manipulated. It was a weakness, and he could pry into that. "Huh. I wonder how she managed that -- oh, I bet she wasn't kept naked in a room with two locked doors. You brought me a broken crystal that was probably actually an Ancient doorstop, and then you tell me I don't work hard?"</p><p>"If you'd like to disprove me, doctor, perhaps I should provide you with clothing. A nightshirt, at least." Yes, that was an amusing thought, McKay flying about in one of Kolya's nightshirts, his hands flying wildly as he talked and talked about whatever new thing he'd managed to fix that no one else could, even Ladon. "And the newest blueprints on anti-Wraith bombs."</p><p>"What, you people are redesigning your bombs?" The tone of his voice seemed incredulous, like it was a stupid idea, and he probably did think so. It was the why and the where that Acastus was interested in hearing. He watched McKay take another sip of the drink, and there was that downward pull of his mouth again. "Haven't you screwed around with nuclear power enough to realize that they're anti-anything breathing?"</p><p>"Well, if you don't want to look at them..." Yes, there was that sharp look, almost hatred, the one he had enjoyed backhanding off of McKay's face before. It was enjoyable, having the man under his power, and yet looking at him like that. McKay was an endless source of entertainment.</p><p>"No, I want to look at them just to see what kind of flaws have been added to the design in this 'improvement'. If I sit here much longer with broken pieces of circuitry I'm going to go crazy. Do you have any idea how busy I was in Atlantis?" Another sip, and McKay pulled his sheets around him again in that way that amused Acastus to watch, as if he'd never seen him bare.</p><p>As if he couldn't just reach out and rip away the sheets, if that was what he wanted to do.</p><p>"I have some idea, yes. You've impressed upon me more than once your grand importance. Why else would I offer you the plans?" He could work on them, better them, perhaps take them a step up. Or even five.</p><p>"I don't know. Is it another courting gift?" the man sneered that phrase, because the notion was above or beyond him, except that it wasn't. Acastus had seen it every time he left something for McKay. McKay reacted, and every piece of Ancestral anything gave him a few moments of fascination, fascination that he tried to hide from Acastus. He could tell, because the first piece, the one that hummed for McKay, was still resting on his lap.</p><p>It pleased him to no end, made him feel faintly smug and pleased with himself. "Would you like it to be?" After all, he didn't have to court McKay. He could fuck him no matter what he wanted, toss him in the lower levels of the city, wait until he was broken. For someone so soft, McKay had reacted with a violent stubbornness when they had tried to take Atlantis, and Kolya preferred to try the gentle methods for now.</p><p>For now. He wanted to keep McKay and see if he could make him be willing. It was just a matter of seeing if he could maintain a balance between his own wants and urges and giving McKay the time it would take to turn him around. If it never seemed to take, he could simply take the easy route, the way that he knew would work.</p><p>"No." No, and McKay gave him a sideways look when he said it, taking another sip from the small share of liquor Acastus had given him. "I, look, this? Is never going to work. I'm a hostage. and while I appreciate that you're treating me well, I'm a hostage. I, I'm not even sure Atlantis is gone."</p><p>"Would you prefer to go to the gate, dial Atlantis for yourself?" Easy to offer. He'd been waiting, and Ladon had quietly made a few arrangements concerning the dialing system for the Ancestral Ring. "Your communication device is likely salvageable where your clothing was not." He didn't offer other clothing, just to see what McKay would say.</p><p>"Funny, that. Delicate electronic devices, score one, military issued clothes with high tech fibers, zero. Yes, yes, I want to dial Atlantis. Myself." He wanted to put his hands on the buttons and watch the Ring light up, wanted to be sure of what was going on. McKay's eyes had lit up, and he seemed excited at the idea that maybe Acastus was wrong and he would be able to contract his people.</p><p>He hadn't seemed to notice that there was no offer of clothing.</p><p>"Could we go now?"</p><p>"You want to go like that?" Yes, yes, that was a vastly amusing thought. He'd be noticed, though, and Acastus couldn't let that happen. If he was noticed, then everyone would know who had McKay. Word would get out, and McKay was something of a valuable commodity.</p><p>"Go like -- what? No! I'm not going to traipse through the woods naked, no. so you're going to have to give me clothes," McKay snapped, against what anyone else could call reason. Acastus could pin him to the bed, could press him face down into the mattress and fuck his brains out. Acastus could do whatever he wanted, and take his time with it, and it was those stray thoughts that made it easier to stay in control.</p><p>Easier to stay amused.</p><p>"So long as you don't mind the clothing we wear when we aren't in uniform. I have things you can wear." Clothing bought with McKay held specifically in mind, and that had been most interesting. Yes. "Shoes as well." It wasn't as if McKay could run away from him, even with the shoes.</p><p>It was easy to let his mind wander a little while McKay seemed to think about what he was being told. Easy to think about McKay trying to run and how it would feel to tackle him to the ground and wrestle him into submission.</p><p>"That's fine. I can pretend to be Amish." McKay sat up straighter, like he wanted to go just that moment, like Kolya wouldn't lean over and take a kiss or two first.</p><p>"You have to offer me something in return." Yes, that was the way to go. Never give him something for nothing. McKay was the sort of man who'd come to expect it if he did, and while they were simple things, things he had planned to give McKay anyway, he didn't want that association in the man's head.</p><p>The 'Lanteans had apparently catered to his demands, but he was going to have to cater to Acastus to get what he wanted. Two things needed to be linked, because most things in life were not free.</p><p>McKay eyed him as if he was unaware of what language he was speaking. "I, uh, don't have anything to offer."</p><p>"Don't you?" Acastus let his fingers linger at the edge of McKay's sheet, listened to the childish squeak of sound, amused by the way that his flesh pulled away. He was soft, and Kolya allowed his thumb to linger.</p><p>Just there, the soft edge of skin to the side of Rodney's chest, the padding over what seemed like muscle. He could have used with some physical training, but perhaps that would come later. After McKay had moved past his reluctant stage. "Dammit, I have no idea why this interests you. This is like that girl in high school who strung me along so I'd do her homework for her. You're that kind of girl -- man, er, I mean..." </p><p>His mouth worked like a fish, and for one amusing moment, Acastus could almost taste his rising fear. And then he surprised him by leaning in towards him, touching mouth against mouth.</p><p>He tasted surprisingly good, vaguely reminiscent of the Mother's Milk in the cup and the honeyed wheat that often comprised McKay's evening meals. The kiss itself was surprisingly strong, that edge of fear, desperation, coming through. Acastus let him retain control for the first seconds, only to surge forward and steal it away a moment later. After all. There could only be one man in control, and it was without doubt Acastus Kolya.</p><p>McKay would soon come to know and understand that. He made a noise in the back of his throat that could have been a protest, and his fingers knotted against the thick fabric of Acastus's uniform jacket. He'd like to see McKay in that sometime, naked except for it. The thought was a good one, and it made it hard not to move to straddle McKay, nail him down to the bed, because he was getting a response. He was being kissed back, lips moving, a touch of tongue against his, but perhaps McKay hadn't had a choice in that.</p><p>There. There, he pulled away slowly, because that was enough. He had what he had asked for, a fair exchange considering the emptiness that McKay would find when he dialed Atlantis.</p><p>He couldn't ask for more than that, really, all things considered.</p>
<hr/><p>Rodney was used to clothes that came off of a rack in a store. Or at least, that was his preference when he was back on Earth. Now he was pretty used to clothes that came off of a requisition, that were usually tailored to meet his chest, neck and waist measurements.</p><p>Now he was pretty sure he was wearing clothes that had come off of a corpse. It was a pretty vivid mental image in Rodney's head as he trudged along through the dark fields, right at Kolya's side. Kolya kneeling down beside that guy, the one who'd been killed by the Quindozen's trap, stripping the corpse of his fallen comrade. The boots were too big, the pants were too long and only staying up because there were suspenders involved, and the shirt didn't fit right. Combining that with the fact that it looked just like what the other Genii had been wearing, and Rodney was faintly suspicious that he was wearing Kolya's dead lover's clothing.</p><p>It was the sort of realization that made a man want to run away. There wasn't a gun trained on him, but he was also pretty sure that the black trench coat was hiding at least one, so between that and boots that didn't fit right, it wasn't an option while diving through an active gate was. As long as the iris wasn't up.</p><p>That would put a bit of a damper on things, really. The notion of splatting against the iris the way so many of the Genii had during the storm made Rodney's stomach churn. The drink Kolya had given him wasn't exactly helping, either. It was distilled liquor of some sort, which meant that it came from potatoes or some other tube root, and he had sniffed it very carefully, sipped just enough to test for citrus. They hadn't run into very many things like that in the Pegasus galaxy, and he wasn't sure Kolya would even understand the question if he asked, so he hadn't bothered.</p><p>It was one of the reason he was sticking to their wheat-stuff as food.</p><p>"Are you sure you want to do this?" Kolya asked him, and he really should be more drunk. Really.</p><p>He'd finished off that bottle before he'd disappeared to get clothing for Rodney, and that hadn't seemed the sort of thing that one could do and then manage to change clothes afterwards without ending up with a leg in an armhole or something. </p><p>"Why wouldn't I be? I need to know and see with my own eyes."</p><p>The way those broad shoulders shrugged made Rodney's teeth clench. He hated that, hated that he had to do stupid Regency novel things like offer kisses in exchange for favors, in exchange for getting to keep his sheet on instead of having to strip himself off in front of Kolya. "I would find it desolating in the extreme to call my home and find no answer. I can't imagine that you would not."</p><p>"I need to know." And it wasn't as if he could call home. Not Home-home, not Earth. If Atlantis was gone, then he wouldn't ever see home again because he doubted that the Daedalus was going to make blind runs to another galaxy without a base of operations from which to function. "I need to see what happened, or just. Try to gate."</p><p>"Of course. I suggest you try another world first. Just so that you can be sure the gate is working properly." And it wasn't as if he hadn't thought of that. He had, he just... "I'm sure you have many reasons to be distrustful, Dr. McKay."</p><p>"None of it has anything to do with the numerous times that you've done things that I wouldn't call trustful," Rodney muttered. He could see the DHD ahead of them, and he picked up his pace a little. He was going to dial Atlantis first, because he didn't want to accidentally waltz into a Wraith culling on some other planet just trying to test that the gate worked. They knew the Genii gate worked.</p><p>He knew it.</p><p>"It wasn't a criticism, Rodney." That was his name, his name on those lips, and it sent funny cold chills down his spine, like that knife playing havoc on his skin. He was scared, and he was alone, and all he wanted, all he'd ever wanted, was to go home.</p><p>Just... to go home.</p><p>It didn't even matter what home. He'd kill for his orthopedic mattress and the way that people looked at him in the hallways like they either hated or loved him, and for Elizabeth's boring senior staff meetings, and John teasing him about... anything. He'd love to have Sheppard insult him again, to bolt through the gate and find that everything was fine and that Sheppard was alive and Ronon was fine and he could pretend everything else hadn't happened.</p><p>"If your people were capable of tampering with the gate, they'd be capable of putting a shield up."</p><p>"Maybe you can look into that for us," Kolya suggested, and Rodney hated him for it, hated him with a violent, vibrant sort of passion that made every hair stand on end. He wanted to scream, throw things, his hands shaking with anger, and yet he couldn't. He just couldn't, not if he wanted to dial the gate, and... they were there. "For now, do your best, McKay. Or your worst. Either way, the answer will be the same."</p><p>"You're just so damn sure. How did you find out?" Rodney moved to stand in front of the DHD, staring at the buttons for a moment before he pressed the first one. There was a soothing familiarity in watching the gate dial, in watching the power come up and the first chevron dial. The first, and then the second, the third....</p><p>"Nothing stays a secret here for long, McKay. The world where I found you, Sheppard and the man with you, they were already dead. Ladon knows the address for Atlantis. We dialed them to let them know we had you." Probably to trade him for something, Rodney thought sourly, fourth chevron, fifth, sixth, seventh...</p><p>Nothing.</p><p>Nothing. The gate failed to connect, that momentary flare of reaching for another gate before the wormhole collapsed on itself. That, that just wasn't possible., so he jammed his fingers against the seventh button, pressing and pressing because that just couldn't be.</p><p>"I'm sorry," and he hated that, hated it, hated it, hated it, wanted to scream because he hated it so much. He dialed again, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven...</p><p>Nothing.</p><p>Nothing!</p><p>"Here. Here. McKay. Rodney...." And then there were other fingers dialing, Kolya's fingers dialing, and there was no answer. No answer at all, and then again, dialing again, a different address followed by the horrifying whoosh and then stability, flickering light-water-wormhole there at the edge, waiting, inviting, and Not Atlantis.</p><p> </p><p>"No, no, it has to work. Shut it down, let me try Atlantis again. Maybe it was a, a bad connection." Except that was a lie. He knew everything about the gates. He knew everything and he knew what it was like to dial a gate address that wasn't real and what it was like to dial a gate address that the system thought was real and then couldn't reach. Gates that were buried in the earth, thrown into lava fields, that were destroyed and broken but should have been there.</p><p>That was that sputtering flare, because a wormhole had to stretch between two points in time and space, and his point, his home wasn't there. He probably shouldn't have tried to shove Kolya away to try again. Probably shouldn't have, but he couldn't help it, he couldn't stop himself, and he wasn't surprised when Kolya hauled him up, off of his feet.</p><p>For a moment, he was sure he was going to be tossed through the gate to some random destination, left there alone and scared and ALONE, and then there were strong arms holding him close while he gasped in shock and terror and...</p><p>ALONE.</p><p>Maybe they'd gotten away. Maybe the Daedalus had taken on as many people as it could and they were back on Earth, but that didn't change the fact that Atlantis was dead. Exploded, sunk, and he'd been ready for that possibility so many times, times when he was at the head of making that decision because Earth needed to be protected from the Wraith above all, and yes, those were the higher goals he was supposed to subscribe to, but he was supposed to go with them.</p><p>They weren't supposed to leave him there. No man left behind, and all of Sheppard's hunting across the Galaxy for Ford. Except John had found him, and it didn't matter because John had died doing it. Sheppard was dead and Carson and Radek and Elizabeth and fuck, god, they were all dead, he knew it, because if the hive had broken with them then they'd probably attacked the Daedalus before the city.</p><p>Rodney jerked, twisting against Kolya's hold, and jammed the heel of the boot backwards against his shin. "Let me go! Let me go! I want to go home!"</p><p>"You can't go home, McKay!" And yes, yes, it was maybe stupid to fight against the man because it wasn't going to get him anywhere, it wasn't, he couldn't do anything about it, he couldn't save Atlantis anymore, couldn't save the day and it was all his fault for not saying no, not saying that they couldn't do it, not planting a fucking bomb, and he was babbling it out loud, hysterical sounds that made him wonder where they were coming from, really, and... "Rodney! Rodney, stop or I'll have to..."</p><p>Hit him, which didn't knock any sense into him, but it damn near knocked him out.</p><p>Kolya really knew where to hit a guy to make him shut up, the point where palm bent into wrist smacking hard enough against Rodney's temple to make his teeth click and his vision scatter with sparks for a moment. The DHD was going dull in front of him, and the gate was still closed. It didn't fix anything for him, Atlantis was gone, and now his head was throbbing. "That was the only, the only fucking gate that went back home. I can't, and they're dead. I should have, have..." The words choked in his throat, twisted on his tongue. Either the Wraith had killed them all or they'd finally cut their losses and headed for Earth. He'd never know if the Wraith had reached Earth, but if they did it was all his fault. If he'd been there, if he'd made different decisions, if he hadn't wanted to be on that Wraith ship...</p><p>Puking up that stupid liquor tasted a lot worse than it had going down.</p><p>"There. There. Get it out. Get it out, and I'll take you home."</p><p>Home. As if Kolya's house could ever be home. As if Rodney even had a home anymore, and he'd never felt so bitter, so wrong, so completely....</p><p>Close to giving up.</p><p>And somehow people in Pegasus did it every year. Lived under the shadow of the Wraith with no hope of a safe harbor to maybe escape to someday, a corner pocket shot when things got tight. Now it was there or nothing for him, and one big hand pressed against his stomach, keeping him on hands and knees while he threw up into the grass when he wasn't sure he could even stay that close to upright.</p><p>Nothing was ever, ever going to be right again.</p>
<hr/><p>It had been a week. A long, arduous week, Acastus would say if anyone had asked. He was seriously considering pushing McKay into a dark corner and leaving him there, if only Rodney hadn't already turned his mother's room into a dark corner of his own accord.</p><p>In one sense, showing him the gate had achieved his goal. McKay no longer fought and longed to escape because he believed that there was no place that he could escape to. The 'Lanteans had made many enemies in Pegasus, and their friends were weak, simple people. No planet had ever won a war with the Athosians on their side, after all.</p><p>But there was no longer any cooperation at all in the man, no banter and no reaction.</p><p>There was... nothing.</p><p>Just nothing, not even bathing or shaving with the simple, protected blade Kolya had brought to him. He couldn't remember the last time he had seen mourning so intense, so deeply real, and it intensified the knowledge that McKay was soft, that the 'Lanteans were soft, and not fit for life in the galaxy to which they had come.</p><p>He had to do something about it, though, before McKay mourned himself to death. Make him angry, make him furious, give him something to hate, or he'd be useless to Kolya in specific and useless to the Genii in general.</p><p>Rodney needed to be useful. He needed a reason to live, it seemed, a reason beyond the sheer benefits of being alive. He had not told Ladon of what had occurred, but had simply thanked him for his help in adjusting the gate. It was a quiet thought that gnawed at the back of his mind while he trained men for new strike forces, that McKay was back in his House mourning himself into oblivion. Some of the training levels were so basic, so unchallenging that he had a little space in his mind to consider the problem.</p><p>If he could prod McKay into the motions of living again, and give him a goal, give him a reason to have pride again, he could perhaps reanimate the man.</p><p>The options that lay before him were narrowing further and further the longer he waited, though, and Kolya finally had no choice but to take steps.</p><p>He moved into the darkness of the room, turning on the yellow-tinged lights as he went inside. McKay didn't even roll over, but he would soon enough. He'd roll over, and he'd fight, and Acastus would ignore all of it.</p><p>"McKay."</p><p>There was a silence, and then he heard Rodney's voice, muted and edged like a rusting blade. "Go away." His breakfast bowl was empty, but that was not necessarily a sign that McKay had eaten. He'd spilled it once, and then simply hadn't said anything about it, hadn't complained or asked for more.</p><p>"I'm not going anywhere. Get up."</p><p>That didn't get him anything; no reaction, nothing, no motion. Just a further hunching of shoulders that made Acastus angry, furious, and his hands were moving before he knew what he was doing, jerking away the sheets, reaching for the jacket he'd given Rodney from Chronos's things. It would have to be thrown away, that and the other clothing, because McKay hadn't been out of the bed since Acastus had herded him into it eight days ago. "Get up!"</p><p>It was waste, but it would be worse of a waste to let a man like that, a mind like that, rot. Acastus didn't give McKay a choice about getting up, hauling him up with fists in the fabric until McKay was half-struggling in a way that reminded Acastus of a drowned kitten.</p><p>Drowned kittens smelled better. "Fuck you!"</p><p>"Not yet. You stink too badly for me to indulge." Even that didn't seem to stop the struggling, the way McKay twisted. His eyes were only half-open, swollen, lines across his face from the wrinkles in the pillow. "You're getting up, and you are going to do something before you die down here. Do you understand?" He pulled at the jacket, managing to get it down around McKay's upper arms. That, at least, would help him to undress Rodney the rest of the way.</p><p>"I don't care." And there was perhaps another 'fuck you' lingering on his lips, but Acastus had had enough of it. He pushed McKay up against the headboard of the bed, and started to unbutton his shirt with the hand that wasn't pinning him still. Rodney didn't seem willing to try to kick just then, but he did try to twist again, and his hands flapped as if in protest.</p><p>"Then you won't care when I bathe you, and you won't care when I bend you over my bed and fuck you," he growled, and that got a reaction. That got squirming, almost violent fighting, and that was better. Anything was better than what had passed in the last week. There had been enough of that.</p><p>There wasn't going to be any more of that. He'd indulged the man's mourning process too long, far too long, and it had not helped anyone. Buttons came undone easily, and he moved both hands to push the shirt and jacket off of Rodney. "I'm not going to live out my life as Earth's last surviving fuck toy!"</p><p>"Then you're going to get up, and take a bath, and look at the fucking plans I have for you, the ones that I told you about a week ago. You're not going to waste away here and defile this room." Acastus narrowed his eyes sharply. "If that's what you want, I can find a pitch-black cell for you to die in."</p><p>He meant it, as much a fitting fate for the soft 'Lantean as punishment for wasting his time if that was how it was going to be. But finally he could see a response, something in McKay's eyes that said, yes, he'd reached him a little. McKay reached his hands to try to grasp onto Kolya's wrists. "I..."</p><p>"You need a bath. You need to eat something beyond the honeyoats. You do not need to keep sleeping like this, all the time. You can't hope to do anything about it now, nothing, and you're not such a coward that you don't know it." No, not such a coward. Many men would break beneath the slice of a knife in their skin, their flesh, and McKay had, but he'd managed to get Kolya and his men out of Atlantis. He'd functioned when the Brotherhood had stolen the ZPM that they had found.</p><p>"The Wraith know how to get to Earth." It was snapped out, so urgent that Acastus almost wished he knew what 'Earth' was. McKay's hands pressed at his wrists again, tried to shove him back, but his arms were shaking. "I, just let me undress myself."</p><p>"All right." All right, he could do that. "And when you take a bath, you can look at the plans. You can look at the device of the Ancients that you've been so interested in having." The ZedPM, as he called it. "We have an empty one, as well."</p><p>"I know. Ladon used it as bait." Brilliant of Ladon, but he'd known that their chief scientist was that kind of brilliant, the type of man who had turned Genii fortunes around. </p><p>McKay let go of his wrists, looking at Acastus's hands like they puzzled him before he started to unbutton the fly. It seemed like it wasn't going to be one of the times that he teased at McKay for his prudishness. "I, you know, I'm not sure I can stand up."</p><p>"Then I'll help you." Yes, and that put his plan back on track, in its own way. "I'll help you to the bath, bring you towels. You'll have to sleep with me tonight. I think your stench might have worked its way into the bed. It'll have to be aired out aboveground, in the sunshine."</p><p>"Sure." Rodney moved, scooting to swing his legs over the edge of the bed. He hadn't finished with his pants, that one final reservation that he held up between them. It was only a matter of time before that fell away, too. He stretched his legs out, untucked them from beneath his body, and both knees cracked with a sound that was uncomfortable to Acastus to hear.</p><p>"Come on." Easy. It was easy to get an arm around McKay's waist, and he'd lost weight. Not a lot, but enough, and the pants slithered off of him into a puddle at his feet.</p><p>He didn't flinch. Not even once.</p><p>"You know," Acastus said conversationally, "I've been bringing the tub to you because you've been reserved about leaving the room. There really is a fully functional bathing room just across the way that I hope you'll have some interest in."</p><p>"Great. I was afraid that you people didn't have running water." Of course they had running water, purified and filtered and very meticulous and self-supporting from the aquifers. Rodney stepped out of the pants, and for a moment he seemed like he was going to slip. Weak legs, shaking arms. Acastus had known men who'd willed themselves ill to miss a mission that was ill-timed and conflicted with familial duties, but to make oneself ill over something beyond control was madness.</p><p>Not that it surprised him. The 'Lanteans were, on the whole, impractical people, McKay the most so of the lot. It made him wonder about his own sanity for wanting to take the man with him, keep him, do things like this to him. "Yes. Hot and cold, McKay, and big, deep tubs. I think you'll like them." He had vague hopes that McKay would need help, actually. What was it about the man, he wondered, that made him lust so?</p><p>Perhaps it was wanting the unobtainable, or loneliness, or... Well, there didn't have to be a reason. It just was. He wanted him frustrating and brilliant and angry and scared, not rotting into the mattress. But Rodney was trying to walk, one foot in front of the other, and he seemed to take brief interest in their short walk down the hallway, over cold flagstones, to a closed wooden door. </p><p>Retrospectively, he was glad that he'd already filled the tub with hot water and that he hadn't had to throw Rodney bodily into it. He might have drowned him out of sheer pique.</p><p>"There. That has to be more pleasant than rotting into a stinking pile on a mattress." His mother's mattress, in point of fact. She had died in that bed, quiet and sad, but smiling and patting his hand all at once, as if that would make it better somehow. His mother had died in that bed, and his grandfather, and he had no urge to allow McKay to die in it, too.</p><p>He was going to keep him, in a way and with a safety that he had not been able to keep anyone else that he'd loved in his life. McKay didn't want to be alone or die alone, and Acastus could oblige him if he would just pull himself together. He helped him to the edge of the bath, and Rodney started to pull away, bending and reaching his hands to hold onto the edge as he lowered himself shakily into the hot water. "Oh, god. God. Haven't had a bath in years..."</p><p>"What? Do 'Lanteans always smell like this?" And it shouldn't be easy to tease. He shouldn't be thinking of keeping McKay safe or about any of the people he had loved and putting McKay in that category.</p><p>He shouldn't be.</p><p>That knowledge didn't stop him from doing so.</p><p>Acastus turned away, rummaging for soap. There was some of the more refined soap, just there, scented just lightly from the saxifrage that grew wild all over their world.</p><p>McKay went quiet for a moment, ducking his head under the water. His voice was still rust-edged, but that he was talking at all was a good sign. Threats worked, and so did rewards, like comfortably scented soap. "No, we have showers. Military mandated, four minute timer. Back home, my apartment had a huge sunk in tub. It was worth the rent by itself." He ran unsteady hands over his hair, and it stuck up every which way before he sank into the water, just knees and head and shoulders over the line.</p><p>It was a little surprising that he wasn't squirming to get away, hide himself better. Acastus shifted a stool over beside the wide tub, carefully settling onto it as he waited to hand McKay the soap and a cloth. "Necessity."</p><p>"The mother of invention," Rodney sighed, and he didn't open his eyes.</p><p>Acastus reached out, slipped the soap into the water and quickly lathered his own hands. When he let it go, it floated gently on the surface so that it would be easy to find again, so he reached out and laid a hand on top of McKay's head.</p><p>Rodney flinched a little, or he just shifted his head. It was hard to tell, and the motion was only slight. His hair needed to be cleaned, and hopefully he would open his eyes and start to clean his body while Acastus took his time cleaning Rodney's hair. After a hard fight, a bad mission, or a good mission that had lasted too long, it was good to come home to something like that, good to simply not move and to have someone else tend to his problems for a little while.</p><p>Perhaps this was a good way to indoctrinate Rodney into Genii traditions and ways, show him that not everything about the Genii was about bombs and cities. It was survival, of the best quality. It was doing the best they could, day by day, and not falling into misery over death. Life was too uncertain, too likely to end with the fall of a maw onto a man's chest, and that was something to take into account.</p><p>"You know, I used to do this for my nephew, when he was young." For his nephew, for his mother, for Chronos. He'd had it done for him on many an occasion. Family meant a great deal to the Genii. The fact that the 'Lanteans had saved Ladon's sister had saved quite a lot of them, or so he was given to understand.</p><p>That had been a very bad mistake on Cowan's part.</p><p>One of many. Cowan was obsessed with taking the shortcuts that might or might not produce results but did claim casualties among their own people. Senseless casualties. Now they had medicines and a little 'Lantean sanctioned scientific help, and when or if those things went away, they had a starting point to work with, the base knowledge.</p><p>"He hit the iris, didn't he?" Rodney's swollen eyes opened a crack, peered at him and then caught sight of the floating soap. "I thought Sheppard had gone mad to do that. We, we always struggle with our moral lines. Half the expedition didn't have any, and the other half had convenient morals, and the other half had too many."</p><p>"And you?" Acastus kept on, fingers gently scratching, massaging. He ran the soap down a little over McKay's temples, the receding hairline there. "What do you think of your own morals?" He wouldn't ask what Rodney thought of his own; he was too sure he'd get a very explicit answer, and now wasn't the time for that.</p><p>"I wanted to live. We stepped through the Stargate into a city that was collapsing and we were... dying, near death every second that came after that. If it wasn't the weather, it was the natives." Or both. Rodney got a loose hold of the floating bar of soap, playing with it between his hands to make suds. "Or the Wraith."</p><p>"Cowan provoked you." That went without saying. It had been another of those pointless mistakes. Acastus held quite a few grudges against the 'Lanteans, Sheppard in specific, but they were pointless now. He had McKay, and that made up for quite a lot. "But Cowan isn't here any longer, and our world is one of the safer."</p><p>"The Gate needs to be shielded. Keep the darts out with the ZPM. If a Hive ship comes, it won't help, but..." He swallowed, a slow motion of his throat, and the soap slid out of Rodney's fingers. He started to rub at his knees, his legs beneath the water. "It's security."</p><p>And that, that was the best reason of all to have saved Rodney McKay from explosions, to have stolen him away to his House and the small room in which he was living. "You can do that?"</p><p>"I'll need to see some of the ruins around the gate. But with a ZPM, yes." His fingers slid through McKay's hair, moving with ease finally, and the other man seemed to relax under his hands, even if he was half-coherent. The scientific part seemed coherent, and it had probably been worrying at him while he'd wasted. "Mm."</p><p>"There." There, that was done. "I have a cup. Tilt your head back." It was easier that way, easier than folding his long frame down into the tub. It'd be easier than pushing McKay beneath the surface, as well. He'd thrash about, or worse yet, he might not.</p><p>Just because he'd gotten him out of bed and into a bath wasn't an assurance that he'd kicked McKay back to life. He was still too-compliant, not-caring that could have passed for passive. A press of his fingers and McKay went with the motion, tilting his head back so Acastus could dip the cup into the still warm water, displacing suds so he could pour clear water over his head.</p><p>Compliance was all well and good, but compliance without a variety of smart remarks... well, it was worrisome. McKay always had something snippy to say, and the fact that he didn't was more than a little disturbing.</p><p>Acastus dipped another cup full and poured it through again, washing out the last of the suds. "There."</p><p>"Thanks." McKay reached for the soap again, and started to make more suds between his hands with a disturbing level of concentration. Then he started to rub over his shoulders, neck, chest, sitting up a little more straight in the tub. That was fine -- he needed the soap and the water, but the quiet interspersed with bursts of talking wasn't comforting. "When did I dial the gate?"</p><p>"Eight days ago." Eight long days, and he could see the shock in McKay's eyes, the deep surprise that it had actually been so long. "You haven't been well since then. You've been... not yourself."</p><p>"I feel like shit. But that's better than being dead." There was a note of questioning in his voice, like he still wasn't sure. But he was moving and he kept moving, kept soaping himself. It was tempting to help him, tempting to take the soap and rub it over his back.</p><p>Acastus was never one to resist temptation when it was unnecessary.</p><p>He reached out and took the soap from the water, spreading it over his hands again. "Dead gets no one anywhere. Dead is no use to anyone, so it's always better to live." With that, he laid his hands on Rodney's shoulders and began to spread the soap.</p><p>"This... is extremely, exceedingly fucked up," Rodney sighed, leaning forwards beneath Acastus's hands. His skin was supple, and he seemed fairly flexible, because his hands had to be somewhere around his ankles. "This is a ten out of ten."</p><p>"The Genii are not such a bad people." He was not a bad person. Just a man, one who followed orders. "I believe you will come to understand us. Come to accept that you're here, and that you can do a great deal of good amongst our people."</p><p>"You held me still while someone stuck a knife in my arm. Now you're washing my back. You're like that guy I knew in college who thought stabbing me in the hand with a pen was a great prelude to asking me out." College. He wondered what 'college' was, and how loudly McKay had screamed.</p><p>It probably wasn't good that the thought of McKay screaming turned him on more than bathing him did.</p><p>"Mmm. Well, I promise to use writing instruments next time, if you prefer."</p><p>He could feel and hear Rodney's laugh, and even if it was a rough noise that pitched high, it was good. "Of all the things to ask for and get..." Rodney started to splash water on his chest, trying to rinse off his arms. Acastus could get the towels, and it would be so easy to herd McKay into his bed after that. It wasn't even a lie that the mattress needed to be aired out.</p><p>"What can I say. I'm a generous man," Acastus announced, rinsing his hands. He reached for the cup, spilled a wash of water down Rodney's back. That got off most of the suds, and Rodney could get off the rest. "I'll fetch linens for you."</p><p>He didn't wait for the half-polite, self-aware thanks that he might have gotten. It was better to keep moving and keep acting before he stepped off of the goals that he'd set for himself and crossed lines that McKay wasn't ready for. It was as much about the challenge of getting there the proper way as it was getting there at all. Instead, he stepped to the cabinet in the corner, began pulling out the drying cloths, and ignored Rodney finishing up. It was best that way, best to give him no reason to be worried that he'd be sleeping in Acastus's bed for the night.</p><p>"Here. Can you stand, do you think?" Best to ask and then assist.</p><p>"No?" He did get a hand tight on the edge of the tub, and at least made an effort to shove himself up, made and effort to get his legs under him. "Have I been eating? Doesn't feel like I have."</p><p>"I couldn't say. Food is brought to you, empty bowls go out." Acastus eyed him and then reached forward with one hand, helping him up even as he dropped the drying cloths with the other. No reason to drop them in the water and make things difficult. "That could account for some of the stench, I suppose. I'll find you something."</p><p>"Thanks." McKay stumbled stepping out of the tub, even though Acastus had a hold of him. He half-wished that McKay's complaint was an exaggeration, but he could see the muscles shaking as he tried to stand up, and he could see the faint glaze that still lingered over his eyes. It would be better, then, to stick to the plan. To do things in the time he had set aside, instead of hurrying things along.</p><p>He kicked the stool a little closer to McKay and settled him on it, beginning to dry him. "One of the first things to learn in this galaxy is that life is always worth living. Some live it as summer moths, flitting to each new pleasure before their deaths. Others fight like soldier ants, determined to take as many Wraith with them as possible. I don't think you're one of the moths, McKay."</p><p>"We came here to explore. We just wanted to explore, and all we've done since we showed up was die in new and interesting ways." He allowed Acastus to smooth towels over his skin, and hardly moved except for his mouth and slight darts of his eyes. "And get captured."</p><p>"Yes. Well. I suspect that your colonel--" Definitely his colonel, if Acastus had read the vibes correctly. Then-Major Sheppard had been adamantly riled about killing Weir, but the further threat to McKay had spurred the man to follow Kolya's dictates. "--might have had something to do with that. All things considered."</p><p>"Thrill-seeker. But he's dead now." He was dead to McKay, and Acastus could hear the ache in his voice. Perhaps the man had been mourning Sheppard harder than his people. It was hard to tell, and Acastus couldn't read minds. "Doesn't matter any more," McKay told him, while Acastus slid a towel over his stomach.</p><p>"No. I'm afraid it's a moot point." Moot for a variety of reasons, and it would all work out. McKay would enjoy the comforts of Kolya House, and he would come to appreciate the visits made above ground, the ruins of the Ancestors, and the small home Kolya kept in the village. "Part your legs. I can't dry well enough."</p><p>He shifted, and it was just proof that he was still dazed and probably needed to eat and be tended to for at least a little while. Rodney's cock was soft between his legs, and his balls were heavy-looking, but he wouldn't be sure until he slipped his hand between Rodney's thighs.</p><p>He did that, stroking his fingers over them for just a moment. McKay didn't move, didn't resist, just kept looking forward as if the mention of Sheppard had been enough to send him back into that realm of misery. "You should eat. You mentioned before that you had some sort of disorder, reaction, if you didn't eat."</p><p>"Hypoglycemia. Low blood sugar. Carson could explain it in terms you'd understand." Except Carson was dead. Rodney's lips half-moved to say those words, and Acastus didn't have to hear them to know that was what he was thinking. "It can kill a person. Not that anyone ever listened. It's a lot easier to laugh at the out of shape scientist with the power bar than it is to think."</p><p>"Then you've been eating enough to keep yourself alive. That's good. See, you have more of a survival instinct than you thought." The cloth slid below McKay's balls, gently rubbed. "That's good."</p><p>The way that Rodney leaned forwards a little, in towards Acastus's supporting hand, was also good, the faint feeling of the pucker of skin that was his asshole, separated from Acastus's fingers by a damp linen, and his balls and cock rested against his forearm for just a moment. "I don't want to die."</p><p>"You don't have to," Acastus assured him, stroking gently, easily. He couldn't stop himself. "You can stay here. Stay safe. Not be put in the kind of danger you've been in before." Before, with Kolya, with Atlantis on the verge of sinking beneath a tidal wave.</p><p>He'd hardly been able to stop himself then. He was going to take Rodney with him then, as payment, but Ladon's fingers had slipped off of him and he'd scrambled off. "I used to spend hours in my labs. Now it's mission, imminent death, mission, death, and they're dead." Rodney's mouth was open, pulled down into a frown, inviting a kiss, inviting Acastus to leave the linen and just use his fingers, or to shove that little bit of cloth in, just to see.</p><p>Just to see.</p><p>He was a patient man, though. He had patience; he could wait. He could keep his composure until the time came.</p><p>Reluctantly, Kolya pulled his fingers away. "If you wanted, we could make a lab for you here. One of your own, just the way you might want it."</p><p>"You're not going to lock me in that room anymore?" He had to abandon the stroking, and Rodney's crotch, instead skimming the fabric over his thighs. Acastus could have him in bed soon. Feed him and tuck him away in sleep, and the next day he could attend to his duties with no fear that his selection was going to die while he was away.</p><p>"No. No, not at all. If you want... we'll make that your laboratory. I can get extra materials for you. Let you work as much as you want, if it will make you happy." As if it was a gift, and not something that the Genii needed.</p><p>"I want that. I need to work." He needed to keep busy, and Acastus understood that in a very visceral way. He needed to keep moving and stop lingering with temptation, and that meant standing McKay up and drying his calves and feet briefly.</p><p>"All right. Tomorrow," he promised, and fetched the last of the cloths, reaching out to wrap it around McKay's hips. He was round at the edges, his ass a blessing, even after the last week. "I'll have it taken care of for you. For now... Let me take you to lie down, and I'll bring you something to eat."</p><p>And that piece of technology, the one that McKay had kept holding onto right until he'd dialed the gate. It had seemed to make him amiable, and the sound it gave was pleasant.</p><p>"All right." All right, with McKay placid and easy to guide back out into the hallway and over to his own bedroom. The Master bedroom, more lavishly appointed than the room of the lady of the house, but that bareness had had much to do with stripping it so Rodney could not hurt himself.</p><p>A wise decision, Acastus thought, leading Rodney by his elbow, out of the bath and down the hall, then easing him onto the edge of the bed.</p><p>"Sit here," he ordered, and turned to a dresser. He pulled out one of his own rarely used nightshirts, and then proceeded to help McKay pull it over his head. "I want you to get in the bed, under the sheets."</p><p>No answer, just a nod, and McKay started to pull the blankets down. Good, at least he could follow orders long enough for Acastus to get things done. The man might be asleep by the time that he'd procured food that wasn't honey-oats, but it didn't matter. He could trust the man to crawl under the sheets and stay there. Men in his condition didn't get up and wander about, didn't get lost in the catacombs or found by someone who would want to find where he truly belonged, nothing like that.</p><p>"I'll be right back," he said, and went to the kitchen. There was bread there, and cheese, and some meat in the ice box that perhaps McKay would like. The wild birds had been remarkably good, good enough to still have some on hand, in fact, and he took the time to tear the meat off of the tiny bones of two of them before going back to the bedroom.</p><p>McKay was still in bed. He'd shifted to take up as little space as possible on the side that was butted up against the wall, and there was a metallic gleam caught between his fingers just at the upper edge of the blankets that made Kolya's throat leap, because was that his pistol? Except, no, it was the wrong color, too bright and shiny to be anything useful. Had he gotten out of bed to get one of the Ancestral baubles? And then come straight back.</p><p>Yes.</p><p>Yes, there it was, the ridged and softly singing, clutched in one hand. That was all right then, not such a bad thing. No worse than Idos and the baby doll he had lugged around until his schoolmates had said something about it.</p><p>"Here." And he should have brought milk, but he could get water from the bathroom, and that would do.</p><p>Rodney sat up, one shoulder against the wall as if that would be a good way to keep space between them -- and clearly the man had never had any military training, because no sane man put himself up against a wall like that when he knew he had no way to attack back -- and he reached forwards for a piece of the wild bird.</p><p>"I'll get you something to drink." The milk, warmed, because that might at least help the man to relax and sleep. Acastus had always hated sleeping beside someone who was stiff and wound up. It didn't lead to good sleep of his own.</p><p>He needed to be relaxed for practices the next day. He needed to be relaxed for so many reasons, and that was why he was getting up again, leaving, catering to Rodney. Because it was for his own benefit in the end. It made his own life easier.</p><p>If he kept telling himself that, he might even believe it.</p>
<hr/><p>Ladon leaned back slowly in his chair, becoming aware of a presence in the room. She could have been there for five minutes or as long as half an hour, he supposed. He had been perusing the new design for anti-Wraith weaponry, and sometimes that meant he became wrapped up in things. Too wrapped up, perhaps. "Good morning, Sora."</p><p>"Good morning, Ladon." Everyone else called him Sir, or Chief Ladon, but he'd grown up with Sora, played and fought and almost lost an eye to her fingernails when he'd pulled too hard on her pretty ringlets of hair one day. He supposed he was lucky that they'd grown past that, towards a mutual respect that didn't include calling each other snot-face or crying baby.</p><p>"Commander Kolya has given the science department quite a long requisitions list."</p><p>Ah. He should have known. Of course Sora would be the one to notice. She worked closely with Kolya, with himself, with the science department. She had been one of the liaisons who had gone to Atlantis with their medical detachment, the ones who had studied with Dr. Beckett. It was only natural.</p><p>"Yes. Commander Kolya has a guest. He'd like to be certain that his guest has whatever it pleases him to have, and whatever will assist us in our fight against the Wraith."</p><p>She tipped her head down slightly, the same flat expression that her father sometimes had taken on when he didn't like one of Cowan's answers. "And is this guest Manarian? Because I cannot think of any other planets that we have relationships with where a scientist would be capable of helping. Oh, excepting Atlantis, of course, but no one would willingly come here from there without a barter in the table."</p><p>"Ask me no questions, Sora, and I will tell you no lies," Ladon replied. His back ached from spending too much time bent forward, and he didn't want to lie to her. He didn't.</p><p>She wouldn't have believed him, anyway.</p><p>She never did, and she could smell a lie on someone's breath. "You're jeopardizing a very lucrative arrangement. All they ask for is Tava beans. They offer us scientific aid. What can we get this way that we could not have gained by barter and negotiation?"</p><p>"A sane commander?" Ladon suggested after a moment of quiet passed between them. "An iris of our own? I never said that it was a good idea, Sora. What it really is, at this point, is too late. It was too late from the time I learned of it. Now that you know, everything is still too late. What's been done is done, and for the life of me, I can't think of how to undo it, nor would I if it meant the salvation of our people. Would you?" Could she, he should have asked, but she understood as well as he did.</p><p>Could she. Could she work out a way to return the 'Lantean scientist to them without everything unraveling on them? They would break their treaties if they knew that one of the Genii had seized their chief scientist, and they would ask for Acastus to imprison him. And it was very likely already too late. Ladon knew how fast Acastus worked, knew how efficient he was. McKay would know his science, but perhaps he wouldn't know his name any longer.</p><p>"He can give our Gate an iris?"</p><p>"With the device the commander brought with him, yes. So it has been suggested." Or openly stated, actually. "I suspect that would account for most of the requisitions that have been made." Ladon paused, drew in a deep breath, and let it out again. "I don't like it any more than you, Sora, but I see no way to change it. When he came to me, the man had already been in his House for days, long enough for the Commander to do all of the things he does best. I think perhaps things will be best this way. Best if you and I keep it quiet."</p><p>"The 'Lanteans will want him back if they find that he is with us. No matter what Commander Kolya has done, they are going to want him back. We saw what their commander would do for his people, Ladon." Close the iris of their gate. He'd been unconscious through the first few bodies that had hit the iris and dissolved into nothingness, but the rest were still horrifyingly burned into his mind.</p><p>"Colonel Sheppard is dead." Kolya had assured him of that in no uncertain terms, and he believed it. In his own way, it felt like a quiet, enjoyable revenge, despite the fact that the 'Lanteans had saved the life of his sister and no small number of their other people. "Still. You're right. I see no way to change matters, or to back out now, though, Sora. Have you any better ideas?"</p><p>"For the moment, Ladon? No. But I will think on the matter. He is one of their ranking commanders, and if the situation were reversed..." If the situation were reversed and the 'Lanteans held Kolya, then they would let him rot and die and hold up against their torture, and they would avenge his death afterwards.</p><p>The rest of her sentence died on Sora's tongue as she realized that.</p><p>"You see." He could tell from the look on her face that he saw the same things he did, and that she no more knew how to deal with it than did he. It was difficult. "For the time being, we'll go forward as we have been. We'll assume that this person Kolya has found to replace Chronos in his House is someone other than who he is. It's the best we can do, Sora."</p><p>She inclined her head in deference to his words, and possibly to the truth of a sticky situation. It was bad enough that one of their most trusted, most intelligent commanders had effectively gone rogue on them, but to admit that to a tentative ally and offer them back whatever remained of McKay, as much or as little as there was, as shaken angry or offended as he might or might not be...</p><p>"Then I would like it known that I do not agree with this decision, but defer to it until better circumstances present themselves."</p><p>"I thank you for that." Saving Kolya's sanity, saving McKay's... it wasn't as if either of them were really ever going to be right again, no matter what tactics they chose to follow. Ladon knew now, knew that Kolya had been trapped below ground with Chronos's body for longer than was good for a man, knew that he had stayed there on the off-chance that he'd find the Ancestor's energy device, on the off-chance that he'd get a shot at McKay again. He wondered what could possibly be that interesting about McKay for a man like the commander.</p><p>As far as Ladon remembered, the man had been arrogant and obnoxious -- brilliant, yes, but to take him in in that capacity, Ladon didn't understand. Then again, his idea of companionship were fiery women like Sora, who gave him a sharp salute and an unhappy expression before she turned to let herself out.</p><p>With a little time, she would either let the subject drop or come up with some sort of solution that pleased her. Hopefully, she would let him in on that solution before she did anything.</p><p>Even if she didn't, Ladon knew she'd do what was best for their people as opposed to what was best for him or the Commander or anyone else. Sora was like that sometimes. Most of the time, and he respected her for it.</p><p>The entire thing was a boiling pot, lid on just firm enough to make the likelihood of spillage higher.</p><p>Ladon desperately hoped that it didn't explode in their faces.</p>
<hr/><p>He was warm, and his feet were cold. They weren't uncomfortably cold, just cool enough to make him press his feet against each other, knees pressing against muscled thighs.</p><p>The first few times he'd woken up like that, Rodney had freaked out. He knew he'd freaked out, because there wasn't much else to call shooting to his feet, tripping, and hitting his head on the edge of a writing desk that was covered with maps and troop movement plans. Acastus had cussed and shouted at him for being an idiot, and then he'd sat with Rodney on the floor and held a crude sort of ice-pack against the back of Rodney's head until Rodney had started to ask about the specific notation on the troop movement.</p><p>The second time, he'd jerked back so hard that his knee had smacked hard against Kolya's morning wood, which wasn't a phrase he'd ever thought would actually enter his vocabulary, but there it was. There had been that brief moment where he'd thought he was going to be hit, backhanded again, but a few sharp words and an admonishment to be more careful had been the limits of it.</p><p>Sometimes now, he startled a little. But not that morning. It was coming towards the winter season on the Genii Homeworld, and the first few steps out of bed were cold. Not quite Working in Russia cold, but he had a feeling that it was going to head that way. And it wasn't like he was really sleeping in. Kolya had an alarm on the far side of the room, the kind that wound up and dinged off of two bells, and it hadn't gone off yet. That meant it couldn't be time to crawl out of the warm center of the bed because Acastus wasn't up yet, either.</p><p>Rodney shifted, slowly pushing one of his cold feet forward a little to press against the warm calf in front of him. It felt daring, a little, because hey, scary man with a big knife, but Acastus just shifted, reached out, hauled him a little closer with his arm.</p><p>"Go back to sleep." It was a rumbled, grumpy sort of order. Rodney had thought that he wasn't a morning person, but Kolya was an entirely different magnitude of irritated before he got the Genii equivalent of caffeine in his system.</p><p>He suspected that Kolya would have enjoyed Earth coffee. Every morning, Kolya took down the large jar from the top shelf of the kitchen. He used the back of a spoon to lay a smear of the tava-bean paste into each mug, and he added boiled milk. It tasted quite a bit like spicy cocoa to Rodney, like someone had hybridized black pepper to cocoa beans. That and the thick wheat-bread that he wasn't sure of the origins of (was there a communal bakery or something?) was breakfast, and thinking about breakfast was a good thought for Rodney.</p><p>It was easy to shift, to let Acastus haul him that little bit closer. He was getting used to it, to the bizarrely obvious and ingenious ways that the Genii worked their technology and everything else in life. So he kept his foot where it was, pressed against warm bare leg.</p><p>"You're thinking." Yes, he was thinking, and he only flinched a little when one warm, heavy arm came over him, pulling him closer against Kolya's side. So long as it was just the front of him, there wasn't any reason to be worried. Acastus let him say no, after all, and that was a strange thing. He hadn't expected it. He had expected worse, terrible, painful things. Instead, there had been... Well. Kolya had taken care of him. He hadn't let Rodney just roll over and die even though he'd wanted to, in his own way. He'd put together a lab, he'd made Rodney eat, he'd brought one of the Genii doctors in to see him and... "You should stop that, at least for now."</p><p>"Never thought I'd live somewhere that had a 'no thinking until it's time to get up' rule." He closed his eyes, even though it didn't matter much in a dark room that he was only just starting to learn to maneuver in at night. Kolya was attuned to body language in a way that made Rodney wonder what motion had let him know that Rodney was still thinking, and what exactly made him think that Rodney would ever stop thinking if he was alive and well. But he tried to stop, tried to just settle in, aware of the arms around him, the warmth of Acastus's chest, and how easy it would be to move a little more, set his head on that chest.</p><p>Four weeks ago, the thought alone would have sent him screaming. Rodney had always been about busty brainy blondes with one exception -- Colonel John Sheppard, who was gorgeous and good at math and brave and who thought Rodney could walk on water, leap tall buildings in a single bound. Rodney had never, ever wanted to disappoint John, and he had. He had blown up a solar system, he had failed to save Atlantis from the Wraith, and John... John had died.</p><p>"Stop," Acastus said again, and it was still startling to feel himself pulled hard in the direction he was wanted, to be kissed into insensibility. The first time, he had struggled madly, and Kolya had let him go. The second time, he hadn't fought as hard.</p><p>The sixth, he had just pulled away and known that he could go if he wanted.</p><p>The eleventh time, he hadn't pulled away at all.</p><p>He didn't pull away at all. Rodney let himself be kissed, and he moved to kiss him back. Maybe it wasn't safe, no, Acastus wasn't safe, but he did want Rodney and Rodney wasn't above the equivalent of a long one-night stand. He said no when he wanted to and he was saying yes this time, tilting his head a little and moving his arms to let his fingers touch Acastus's sides.</p><p>He could feel Kolya go still for a moment, felt the hand sliding down his side fumble for a moment, clench a little too tightly. "McKay?" It was a question in one word, and Rodney wasn't ready to answer it, not yet, but maybe... maybe in another four or five weeks. Maybe in another couple of months. It was enough now to begin accepting that this was all that he'd have, wasn't it?</p><p>It wasn't even really that bad. He had work and time again to work on theories without being seconds from the cusp of death every time he turned around. He was still alive, and he didn't know why, but Kolya cared, wanted to keep him alive. He didn't lock doors in the house anymore, just the door to the outside, and Rodney could open that. </p><p>If he wanted to. But then he'd be lost in a city he didn't know and that probably wouldn't appreciate him. </p><p>He didn't want to.</p><p>"I'm sorry I woke you up."</p><p>"Mm. I can't say that I am, all things considered." Rodney could see the alarm, too, and it was an hour away from going off in a clanging of bells, and that was really too much time, all things considered. Too much time for him to think, and for Acastus to touch him, and oh.</p><p>Oh. Oh, oh, that hand, that hand, and they hadn't, he hadn't let Kolya get that far because, hey, he wasn't easy, nobody would ever accuse Rodney of being easy, but it seemed like he was easier than he had thought himself to be.</p><p>He was hard in Acastus's big hand, and he wasn't saying no because he couldn't remember the last time he'd gotten that without either a lobster dinner or a few beers being involved. That was a full palm stroke, enough to make him groan and bend his head in a little, pressing his forehead against the juncture between neck and shoulder. "Oh god."</p><p>"Shhh. Shhh, just..." Yeah, just like that, just exactly like that, and he was shaking all over, head to toe. He was a mess, and it felt... so good. So incredibly good, the way he had always thought it should feel but it so very rarely had. That said a lot of really backwards things about his sexual tastes, and obviously the Pegasus galaxy had made him gay, and he was pretty sure he was saying those things aloud because.... "Well, I'm glad we make you happy."</p><p>He didn't usually laugh like that. It was a broken sound, half startled because one day he'd get used to living in a world where half of his points of reference made no sense to them, and half choked because it felt really very good. Acastus had overseen his very precise torture, and now he was doing all of this and the sex, that hand felt so good, caught between their bodies, his other hand pressed flat and spread wide over Rodney's back. </p><p>"Fuck, fuck..."</p><p>"Yes, just like that. Just like that, Rodney." His name, the way Acastus said it in moments when he was falling apart, and yeah, maybe he was falling apart a little now because there was a thumb pressed just below the head of his cock, and that hand knew how to stroke him, knew just what it was doing, and why hadn't he ever, ever thought to do this before? "Shhh. However you want. Whenever you want."</p><p>"Just like this, just..." Just, he couldn't help but hunch closer and he knew that a polite lover tried to return the favor at roughly the same time, but they weren't pressed for time and the Genii Homeworld had twenty-eight hours in a day and they had another half an hour before Acastus had to get out of bed. His hands were shaking, barely able to move except to stroke and hold on and feel Acastus, fingertips sliding over a warped sunburst of scar tissue.</p><p>"John..."</p><p>John, because John had given that scar, John had made it happen, John was the one who had made it okay to feel this way, John...</p><p>John, and Acastus stopped, loomed over him, and there was a certain restrained fury in the next kiss, in the way that Kolya pressed him down, pushed against him.</p><p>"I do not ever want to hear you say his name. Not like this."</p><p>And that was why he was a fuckup when it came to people. Rodney just stared up at him, pinned on his back now when they'd been laying side by side before. "He shot you," Rodney offered shakily, and pressed the scar tissue with his fingertips and there was no way that that was enough to explain it but he was just following thought to thought to thought.</p><p>"Yes. He shot me. And if Ladon had not been weak, I'd have had you sooner." Sooner, and Acastus was thrusting down against him, the heavy weight of an erection pressed hard against Rodney's own. "You were brilliant, and afraid, and you stepped up despite it, and I wanted..." Wanted, and he was kissing Rodney again, and that didn't help his brain to stop running in wild circles.</p><p>It would have been easier if his dick hadn't been so into it, if the slide of skin against skin and the pressure of hips against his own, every muscle and edge and soft spot on Acastus's body pressed against his own. Rodney moaned under the kisses, and tightened his arms. He'd wanted him then. He'd wanted him then and on Dagan Rodney had offered to help find the Potentia with Kolya, and suddenly all of that humoring and amusement made sense.</p><p>It made sense and wow, wow, God, that made things different, a little different, and they slid together, a little sweaty, and his cock found just the right groove against Acastus's hip, and his head dropped back, and he didn't know what he was moaning, but whatever it was must have made Acastus happy because God, oh, God, oh, GOD, yes!</p><p>"Yes, yes, just... yes...."</p><p>Everything went tight and focused and it wasn't focused for long enough, but Rodney could feel Acastus's tongue against his, taking his words from him when he arched up to meet the downward thrusts, when his balls went from tight to focused and he shuddered through each spurt against Acastus's hip.</p><p>By the time he could catch his breath, Acastus was making the last pushes against him, drawing in heavy, deep gasps, and Rodney could just watch him. The man wasn't handsome, exactly, not beautiful like the Colonel had been, but he was... charismatic, that was the world, and there was no way to avoid watching him almost greedily, just to be able to see.</p><p>Just to watch. Just because he could, because he'd never make a pretty painting or a striking photograph, but moving, sleeping, anything, he was something else. His mouth was full, and his eyes were fascinating, and holistically, out of all the men he'd ever had on top of him -- and it was a really short list -- he was the most fascinating. Stunning.</p><p>It was still a ten out of ten on his scale of fucked up, but fucked up was status quo now. He leaned up to kiss Acastus again, trying to pull him down. Acastus let him, relaxed against him when Rodney wrapped an arm around his chest, and that was really something. That was a lot in a world where Rodney really didn't feel like he had much of anything at all.</p><p>"I don't like hearing you say his name," Acastus murmured against the hollow of his throat sometime later.</p><p>"I..." He wasn't really sorry. It had just happened and he couldn't be sorry for anything other than being too obnoxious. "Started to think about that day when I touched the scar. Apparently, before caffeine that means I mumble things that don't mean anything."</p><p>"Mmm." It was a rumble of sound, not any sort of agreement, but it seemed Kolya would take what he could get. "I realize that I'm not exactly your first choice for this sort of situation. I... find it regrettable, what happened to Colonel Sheppard. Your people."</p><p>That they no longer had a reliable supply of C4. Rodney tipped his head a little, pressed his cheek against Acastus's thick hair. He didn't know what to say to that, because yes and yes. He missed his people and he -- except Sheppard was a pipe dream, had been one when he was alive, and Acastus was right there and patient with him in ways that no one sane had ever been. "Maybe one day this would have happened anyway."</p><p>"This?" As if it was unbelievable, and that made Rodney close his eyes because, yes, okay, it was, probably, more or less. After all, it wasn't like he was hot to go home with the Genii, because they actually kind of gave him the creeps and he still had nightmares involving his flesh and sharp objects and wow, this was kind of fucked up of him, all things considered. "I doubt it, McKay, but..." But.</p><p>"Well, if circumstances were better." Ideal, and if the Genii weren't what made them Genii, and it didn't matter. It was all moot. Rodney slid his hand over Acastus's back. "I don't know what I'm saying."</p><p>"You should go back to sleep," Acastus invited, rolling off of him slowly. They were sticky, sweaty, and it was vaguely unpleasant. On the other hand, he thought that maybe now he could do that, close his eyes, stop thinking.</p><p>Acastus moved, but Rodney moved, too, shifting to try to resume his previous position of close enough to leach warmth even though he was maybe too-warm now. He could bathe later, and change the sheets, and. And keep his eyes closed, and just enjoy resting for a moment. Every thing else could be worked out later.</p>
<hr/><p>He'd had sex with Commander Acastus Kolya, the man who'd given him the scar on his arm and who probably didn't intend to do anything half this pleasant to him when he had wanted to take him away from Atlantis. He'd probably even actually had plans to kill him last when they were in that underground chamber of the Quindozen, too.</p><p>It really ought to freak him out just a little more than it was.</p><p>Rodney had been thinking about it since sometime after Kolya had left to go tend to his duties, which was the Genii equivalent of Sheppard shrugging his shoulders and murmuring, "It's military stuff".</p><p>It should have bothered him, but other than leaving him with a nervous flutter in his stomach, it didn't. Not much. Because when he looked at it logically, if he ever wanted to get laid again, Acastus was it. He'd had worse one-night stands, and crappier relationships back on Earth, and Rodney wasn't sure if that was proof that he had bad luck or he was just the problem.</p><p>He was probably the problem, but trying to wrap his head around the newest development was better for his health than chewing over the old bone of John and Atlantis and Earth. Those were things that he was better off not thinking about, not again, not ever, because it wasn't like he could do anything. John was dead, Atlantis was gone, and even if the Wraith hadn't yet made it to Earth, the only gate capable of dialing home in the entire galaxy was gone with Atlantis. He could try jury rigging the Genii gate, but what was the point? He might destroy it, and then they'd all be stuck there for an eternity, and he didn't want that.</p><p>It was better to work on the iris. The ZedPM thrummed gently by his side, and he needed parts, needed to go to the Ancient ruins from which Kolya brought him so many little gadgets, but he wasn't sure that he was quite ready to do that yet. That would mean leaving Kolya House, and just the thought made him shudder. Yes. He needed to leave, needed to go out in the sun, because it wasn't as if he'd get all of the necessary vitamins he needed lurking around underground. Shortly, he'd start to look like Gollum, and wow, that was a nasty thought.</p><p>The Genii were pale from what he remembered, so maybe he wouldn't go that badly, but he did miss DVDs and TV more than a little. Laptops and nasty messages from his fellow scientists. But paper and pen under his fingers was good, too, the old fashioned way. Too much technology apparently made a man lazy, because he found himself trying to remember more complicated pieces of data about the iris.</p><p>It was interesting that his brain started to provide him with short breaks by derailing into quiet fantasies every once in a while, drifting ponderings. Wondering how Kolya ended up with a tan that slid down to his hips. Wondering if, when he finally did venture out of Kolya house and into the sun, he'd get the chance to see exactly why there was that tan.</p><p>Wondering if John would have turned gold under the sun, and yeah, that probably wasn't something he ought to be thinking about. Not really, not when everything was just such a mess in his head and he was thinking about John when Acastus was kissing him, letting him come, and Rodney sighed, closing his eyes and letting his hand relax on the pencil. It wouldn't do him any good, at least not at that particular moment. Maybe one day he'd be able to think about it with a good-natured reminiscence, the way he remembered the first girl he'd ever kissed, who had promptly had to move away to some godforsaken part of Alaska and who had given him mono along with half of the chess club. Maybe he'd look back at it and smile and be amused. Maybe.</p><p>Just not yet.</p><p>Too soon. It was all too fresh and sharp, and Acastus listened when he said no, so he could keep saying no, could keep things from going forwards until he was ready to let it go on without seriously fucking it up worse than it already was.</p><p>He needed to adjust first. To twenty-eight hour days and too much sleep and rest, and the vague concern about the 'anti-Wraith' blueprints he'd looked at. It seemed too much like the Hoffan's biological weapon, and the gun deployment seemed too unreliable. That didn't even touch on the fact that they probably didn't have an effective base to use for their cellular level testing, unless there was a strike force going out Wraith-hunting.</p><p>There probably was, actually, and that made for an entirely new level of stress-related acid churning up in his stomach because he wasn't ready to think about it yet. He knew Acastus was the sort of man who wanted to be on the front lines of everything, just like John, and he'd already lost so much. So much. He didn't know if he could stand losing one more thing, and the shaky laugh that thought tore from him didn't sound right, even to his own ears. Who would ever have thought he'd feel something like that, believe something like that, about Kolya, no matter the circumstances?</p><p>But there it was. He didn't want to be there when someone came to tell him that Acastus had given a Wraith one last feeding, but he hadn't died in vain and then whoever was talking would insert some crazy scheme that made Rodney wonder how they'd survived so long, and what was that part about feeding?</p><p>Rodney scooted his chair back a little, and put his forehead down on the desk. Great, he couldn't move past Sheppard and he couldn't face ever having Kolya not-there. There was a total freak-out coming on, accompanied by hyperventilation, and did he mention freak-out? Yeah, and it wasn't like the Genii had paper bags or anything, but maybe he could make one for himself, because wow, he really needed one right about now in a big, big way and maybe....</p><p>"McKay, is...." Acastus's voice stopped, and he was frowning when Rodney looked up. "Do you need medical attention?"</p><p>Which translated to 'are you okay' in a more specific way, because he wasn't okay even when he didn't need medical attention. But Acastus was there, and and he really didn't need to hyperventilate. Deep breath out, no panicked sucking in of air. Out and then in again. "No, no, uh, what were you asking?"</p><p>"Is there a copy of the gate diagram on the other table?" The question was there, but the interest wasn't, not anymore. Acastus was watching Rodney now, his eyes trained on him in that way that asked questions and wanted answers, and Rodney really didn't have any to give.</p><p>"The one you gave me or the one that's right? They're both there." Except his was correct because he understood the science and everything behind the chevrons and the nature of wormholes themselves. The other diagram had been bizarrely archeological which was wonderful if someone planned to put something behind glass in a museum. Breathe in, and exhale and again and again until he could do it without thinking about it.</p><p>"You're sure you don't require a physician?" It was good to have someone be worried without him needing to constantly reiterate allergies, hypoglycemia, infinitely familiar medical history. Good and weird and Rodney didn't know what to do or say about it, not really.</p><p>"I'm fine, sure, just..." He waved a hand. Just a little flighty or something. Everyone in the gate room would have laughed at him, right up until they'd started to think about alien viruses and maybe that the city's sensors were malfunctioning, and what if they were all going to die? Rodney caught sight of his Seiko -- body motion powered, a watch that he'd bought specifically for the possibility that he'd be stuck in Antarctica with a wristwatch with a dead battery -- and then looked at Acastus while he calculated forwards sets of four hours to work out the difference.</p><p>It didn't exactly work out because he still didn't know how many days he'd been there, but the less logical part of his brain supplied, "What time is it? I didn't expect you home early."</p><p>"The scientists wanted a look at the new plans," Acastus said. "But mostly, I thought I'd come and check on you." After all, they'd had sex that morning, and Acastus treated him as if he wasn't quite a man often enough. Maybe it was because he wasn't military, Rodney had no idea. It ought to disturb him in so many ways. Instead, it just made him give a faint, strange twitch of his mouth that Rodney could feel down to his core. It didn't matter. Not really. Nothing mattered so much as anyone might think.</p><p>"Ah. Well, I'm not done notating it. Their old theories were, well, flawed, yes, but not so flawed as the work of some of my colleagues back on Earth had been, and for a culture that hasn't even mastered the light emitting diode, it's..." Not complete shit. Worse shit made it into exclusive peer reviewed journals. He pushed the chair back a little more and stood up to gather the new diagrams and his notes. He probably needed to brush up on his drafting, because years of computers had made him infinitely lazy about doing things by hand. "Well, here. I wish them luck with it and I'll have the notations finished tonight. It's minutia, and they can't do anything without gate controls."</p><p>"Of course." Of course, and Kolya was giving him that one-sided quirk of mouth, but he took the drafts and then leaned across, catching Rodney's mouth to kiss him, quick and good and hard, and wow. Wow, wow, okay, that was one serious kiss going on there. "I'll take these to them and come right back," Acastus murmured, and Rodney's heart rate skyrocketed.</p><p>If Acastus came back, he probably wasn't going to get the notations finished. It was a little strange that he was back before, well, his usual time. 23:00 Genii time, at least according to the wall clock in the kitchen.</p><p>There had to be some reason other than that he was skipping off work early to come home and have sex with the off-worlder. "I, uh... sure. Right. You do that."</p><p>"And you'll be waiting for me, McKay?" Oh. Oh. Okay, yeah, maybe that was his reason, and wow. Oh, wow, he was, he had someone coming home just to have sex with him, and Rodney wasn't sure anybody had ever done that, none of his girlfriends had ever been the kind who'd initiate much of anything, and he'd never actually, but what, and... "Rodney?"</p><p>"Yeah?" And that hadn't even been a real question, but he was standing in the middle of the room and Acastus had probably just been trying to get his attention, the edges of his mouth tipped up, eyes full of amusement. It wasn't quite laughing at him and it wasn't quite laughing with him, either. "I, uh... I'll be waiting."</p><p>As a ball of pure nerves and unsureness, because he wasn't sure what the plan was, other than completely ruining him for at least a few hours when it came to intellectual thought. After all, the morning had been nice, and really more than nice, in its way, and he wouldn't mind it if they did it again, but what if Acastus wanted to do more than that? Rodney wasn't sure he was ready for that, and the thought alone made him lean towards, oh, completely freaking out, if he was honest about it. He seriously wasn't meant to deal with this kind of pressure.</p><p>"I'll bring something for supper." That meant someone one of the women cooked, which always, always included dessert, and okay, so it wasn't exactly chocolate pudding, but dessert was dessert, after all, and Acastus always asked about citrus, even though they really had no idea what citrus was in the same way McKay did. One day, he was going to taste something and, oh, die.</p><p>Hopefully it was going to involve a little booze. "Sure. Great." Great. He watched Acastus move towards the door, and Rodney took a backwards stumble back into his chair, watching the back of his uniform recede down the hallway.</p><p>Everything was getting so complicated. Okay, so, it was a complicated situation, and it was complex before it reached this point, but the entire thing, well, it was turning Byzantine. Nothing made any sense, and Rodney didn't know how to force it to make sense. He couldn't. Relationships with people weren't exactly his forte, not this tango of motion and back and forth that left him feeling like he was sitting in the middle of the dancefloor when everyone else knew the steps. </p><p>That, that was okay. Because Kolya kept stopping to pick him up when he stumbled, and it was bizarre and it probably, no, really wasn't healthy. Except it was all Rodney had. He had Acastus and he had a little theoretical work to play with. And maybe he could search their ruins soon. Work on getting the iris up. Breaking new personal scientific ground was somehow less challenging than contemplating sex, and he wasn't really sure when that had happened, or he was a little too certain, actually.</p><p>If he didn't think about the reason why, he wouldn't murmur it later on in bed, and make Kolya angry again. Kolya angry wasn't something Rodney needed to think about or worry over; it was just something he needed to avoid like the living plague, at all costs. Thinking about that, well, that would just lead to wistful mourning, and saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, and none of it went anywhere good.</p><p>It didn't do either of them any good, because only idiots longed for the dead when they had the living right there.</p><p>Dinner, and Acastus coming home early, for him. Right there. Alive, for the time being.</p><p>Rodney closed his eyes for a moment, and then started to tidy up the lab, trying to organize it so his mind would come back to things in order when he started again the next day.</p>
<hr/><p>Supper was easy enough to get -- there was a woman in a House only a tunnel away who occasionally cooked for him if he asked nicely. He provided her with the occasional item from off world, and she smiled at him in a way that suggested that one day, he might ask her to marry him.</p><p>He never would.</p><p>Still, it was an even exchange to Acastus, food in return for baubles, and the things she cooked were tasty if occasionally bland.</p><p>McKay, he had noticed, had a disturbing fondness for bland.</p><p>He tended to treat food as if it were going to kill him unless he was sure what was in it, and said he was allergic to a substance that Acastus had never heard of, but he was sure that McKay would recognize it a little too late if he were to come across it, so bland was safe.</p><p>The scientists had been somewhat confused and half-overjoyed with the drawings and notes he'd brought them. He could assume they were making the best of them, that they were willing to take it into account, because he didn't doubt that Rodney was correct in what he was telling them.</p><p>McKay was a man who could make the devices of the Ancestors sing at his fingertips; not from heredity, some few of the Genii could do that. No, it was seemingly a love for him that the devices themselves held, flowering beneath his fingertips to offer up all of their little secrets and details just the way Acastus had McKay budding beneath his own attentions.</p><p>It was intuitive and almost easy, once he thought about what he needed to do. He'd made a breakthrough with the man that morning, and Acastus wasn't the sort of man to let an opening like that recede. He was going to push as far as he could, see where he could get and enjoy it.</p><p>He had a mission in the morning, and he still hadn't told Rodney about it. Acastus was sure that he'd come back, but it was habit to take a little personal time before a mission. Say goodbyes as if they were the last because the Genii were brave and sometimes they were last goodbyes. Bringing back a live Wraith was going to be a challenge, one that made Acastus wish that he knew how to lay hands on the young 'Lantean Lieutenant who'd gone rogue. There had been rumors, and more than rumors, about what had happened to him, and if anyone knew how to capture one alive, it would have been him.</p><p>The scientists were all gnawing at the bit, anxious to get their hands on a Wraith for testing the serum the Hoffans had used on themselves. From there, they planned to alter the serum, possibly make it into an aerosol so that the very atmosphere of their planet would become poisonous to the Wraith.</p><p>According to the 'Lanteans, injecting the serum had a 50% mortality rate, but... they weren't that far along yet, that mad, that they were willing to risk that some of their best people would be in the losing 50%. But it was an option, and they always needed options to explore. He could mention it to Rodney and ask him, except he didn't want to ruin dinner and anything that could come after.</p><p>Acastus let himself into his house, and took care to turn around and lock the door behind him, balancing the dinner tray against his hip. It only took a minute to turn the three latches, and then he shifted the tray again and walked towards the dining room.</p><p>Kolya House had once held a large number of people. His father had grown up there, eldest of eleven siblings, and had lived there with his own parents and his wife until they died. Upon that death, Acastus had inherited the use of the House, and Idos would have eventually found that Kolya House belonged to him. It was unfortunate, then, that Acastus was the last one left, not even Chronos to keep him company. No, it was just him and a mad 'Lantean scientist half-crazed with grief.</p><p>It was just as well that he enjoyed his solitude.</p><p>Rodney was half-crazed, yes, but he was functioning. That he washed every morning and ate and slept the way that a regular person would was a small miracle. He dressed in the simple clothes that Acastus let him have because it was starting to grow cold in the House, and he didn't complain about the pants once he'd been given suspenders to make them fit better. And he did the work that he'd offered to do, the breakthrough of giving their home planet the kind of security that Atlantis had.</p><p>That he was half-crazy now didn't seem to matter quite so much.</p><p>The sound of Sheppard's name on his lips, though... that had mattered. That had mattered quite a lot, and the vicious stab of anger had made him want to strike out, backhand Rodney to see what he would do. It had been a difficult reaction to tamp down, force below the surface. Somehow, he had managed, taken out his irritation in a slightly different way. He hoped that he could continue to do that. It would make things easier in the long run.</p><p>Acastus paused in the open door of the dining room, surprised. Plates were on the table, low lights on, and Rodney fidgeted beside one of the chairs.</p><p>Rodney had his first gift from Acastus on the table, over by a few papers. He carried it with him sometimes, in a way that reminded Acastus of a hunting dog with a favourite bone. It never seemed to respond to Acastus the way it did Rodney, with hums and vague sensations of delight that stopped when Rodney tried to let go of it in Acastus's fingers. </p><p>If he'd soothed himself a little before dinner, that was fine. He'd been waiting, ready. Acastus could smell soap, just a little, and if he reached his fingers out, he was willing to bet that Rodney's hair was still slightly damp. </p><p>Just when he wasn't sure what to expect, Rodney surprised him. </p><p>"I need to fix my wristwatch so it has twenty-eight hours. Because it always seems like you're early. Busy day?"</p><p>"Mmm." Yes, and even if Acastus didn't like surprises, this was a rather pleasant one, all things considered. "Yes. We have a great many plans to be made. No matter what, the Wraith will still be coming."</p><p>Watching Rodney's face fall was almost painful, but also exhilerating, in its way. The Wraith, who he believed had collapsed Atlantis and had made it back to his home planet. Still hungry, still looking for food, which was sadly true. "Right." His voice was unsteady when Acastus put the tray down, and he started to uncover things, leaving the part where it was dished out to Acastus. "You know, I could be a lot more helpful if I could get hands on with some equipment and calibrate it..."</p><p>"Of course." Of course, even though Acastus didn't really mean it so much. "I'll bring it to you here, so that you can do everything you need without having to leave Kolya House." Acastus didn't want him to leave, so it was better to suggest that Rodney was the one who didn't want to go.</p><p>And Rodney took those suggestions, and seemed to run with them. Now that he was being allowed clothes, and free range of the House, he seemed content to stay within its walls. The exterior door unlocked from the inside quite easily, but there was never even a hint that McKay had tried to so much as open the front door, let alone leave. "Great." Rodney said it like it was his decison, and he sat down across from Acastus with more than a hint of nervousness in his posture.</p><p>"I think you'll enjoy this," Acastus murmured, beginning to dish into the plates, the spoon close at hand already. There were wild grains, thin-sliced tenderloins, and a very few of the small, savory nuts and sages that the Genii generally used for cooking. "I suspect I should have brought dessert, as well."</p><p>Rodney had a taste for sweet things, sugar and tava-bean paste drinks. He'd probably been hoping for dessert, but Acastus wasn't going to think about his preference for Rodney as dessert. "This looks good," Rodney commented. "I've been curious -- how does this work? I used to cook, but the bases I was on all had cafeterias. And then Atlantis, well. It's, it was all standard issue meals."</p><p>"There's a woman, a few Houses over. She occasionally cooks for me in return for things I bring from off world. I often don't have time to cook for myself, or there are places to get a meal." They were military by nature, and that meant that there were people who didn't wed, who were alone, who remained amongst the military. That implied a need for feeding them, as well.</p><p>"Ah, that makes sense." Rodney waited for Acastus to finish serving it up, and waited for him to start to eat before he began, picking up his fork carefully. There was a touch of hesitation in his motions, as if he had to concetrate very hard to do something that most Genii would consider simple manners, waiting for the head of the House to eat first. Perhaps he did; Rodney's statement that he was an arrogant man certainly held true in so many ways, although he tempered that now. He tempered everything, held it carefully inside as though revealing it would break something, break him. Acastus thought that was probably true.</p><p>"Tomorrow, I'll see if she could make glykisma. You'll like that, it's all honey and pastry and nuts." It was an offer of sorts, and he knew Rodney would likely take him up on it.</p><p>"Huh. Sounds like Baklava. It's an, uh, Earth dish. Greek, actually. I'm sort of fascinated that each planet in this galaxy seems to only have one culture. We had, have thousands. Not that everyone gets along. We've probably had enough internal, in planet wars to, to, well." He shoveled a forkful of the long grains into his mouth, and slowed when he chewed, seeming to savor it. Good. That was good, because so long as he ate, he'd live, and Acastus would have his company and his genius. All things considered, it was just what he wanted.</p><p>Mostly.</p><p>"The Wraith have never come to your planet," Acastus pointed out, gesturing with his fork. "Perhaps if there had been continued growth on the planets in our galaxy, there would have been similar population growth and we would have branched into wars with our own race." Somehow, Acastus didn't believe that would have happened.</p><p>It didn't seem likely. They had had interplanet travel for so long, and if someone wanted to leave, they left. They picked up and left. Rodney lifted his glass of water, sipped, and alternated again with his fork. "Yes, maybe. Except we've had world-wars and plagues and we've always found time, found a way to make time, really, to get pissed off at each other. We had a war -- World War II, though I could tell you about Vietnam, but I don't think you're appreciate hearing about a, uhm, failed military venture against a native culture -- anyway, there was one nation-state that was trying to conquer pretty much everything else, and... do you, no, you don't have states."</p><p>"We barely have cities anymore," Kolya noted idly, reaching for the glass Rodney had left beside his plate. There was a stoppered bottle of wine there, deep, dark red, and he poured it slowly, watching it spill out in a wash of crimson droplets. "But go ahead. Tell me more."</p><p>"Right. Well, this one nation state, which I'll just call Krautland, was trying to conquer the world. And doing a depressingly good job of it. So the countries that had any resources left -- Canada, the United States, England, someone who'd escaped from France with a flag, and the Russians -- allied themselves against Krautland. Seems pretty simple and obvious, right? Enough weak powers gang up, and they can topple anyone."</p><p>Acastus paused, the glass almost to his lips. "If that was the case, we'd have destroyed the Wraith before now, I think. So, tell me, McKay. Did this plan work?" It might, he supposed, with a human foe. After all, humans fell down and stayed down when a man shot and killed them. They didn't heal and crawl back up to try eating him again.</p><p>"Eventually. After the Krauts had killed millions of people, some of them for the sheer fun of it, and believe me, they could sit down and have tea with the Wraith. A lot of people would have wished that they had. But, first the Allies spent years himming and hawing and trying to work things out with Krautland, and they kept having meetings among their leaders as to who got the glory shot that would win the day. Retrospectively it's, it's absurd. Eventually, Canada saved the day."</p><p>He was animated when he talked, reminiscing that piece of history, "It was during that when we started to work on the Atomic bombs. Just sixty something years ago. We came a long way, very fast."</p><p>"So your people were the first to create bombs like the ones we have." Sixty years didn't seem like so many, all things considered. The Genii were a patient race. Those on the surface died, sacrificed so the many below ground could live. They took in victims of other cullings on occasion, made sure that they were the ones above ground. Better them, better anyone, than them. There was too much to lose, too much knowledge to take with them.</p><p>"I suppose so. I've never really sat down and done a timeline of other technological leaps. The Ancients had some very impressive beam weaponry. For all I know once upon a time they'd started with atomic bombs, too. We were still sifting through the Databases on Atlantis, when..." Rodney's eyes went a little dull for a moment, unfocused, and he clicked his fork against the plate and snapped his eyes to Acastus's face. "Well. I'm sure they had records somewhere else."</p><p>"Yes." Yes, and that look, it wasn't a pleasant one. He should watch what McKay had to say a little more carefully, be a little more gentle with him, subtly edging him away from those thoughts instead of towards them. "Tomorrow, perhaps, you'd like to venture into the abandoned city of the Ancestors." No. No, not tomorrow. Tomorrow was the Wraith mission. "Or the next day. That would be better, I think. Give you more time with the blueprints.</p><p>"Yes. I need to finish with those notes, anyway. I, uh... got side-tracked." There was a funny nervous dart of Rodney's eyes, and Acastus wasn't sure if it was because of him in specific, or if Rodney did that to anyone that was trying to learn his body as intensely as Rodney learned blueprints.</p><p>Of course, it could also mean that McKay was sabotaging the plans somehow. He didn't like to assume such things, but Kolya decided to suggest to the science division that they set their best and brightest to experimenting with it very, very carefully. Just in case.</p><p>He didn't want to have to kill McKay.</p><p>"Sidetracked?" he asked, raising a brow slowly.</p><p>"I, uh..." Rodney swallowed, and took a gulp of his water. "After you came back early, you, uh. You're not a conventually attractive man, and uh, you, you could probably break my neck before I finish talking, but uh, you, uh. Make it very hard to think. Sometimes."</p><p>Oh.</p><p>Oh. Well. He wasn't fool enough to think it was any more truth than lie, but... They'd see. "Then perhaps you would not mind leaving off the nightshirt this evening," Acastus suggested, sipping at his wine again.</p><p>It was amusing to watch Rodney's face color like that, a shade of red that started to spread over his cheeks and ears. "You, uh, missed the part where you could break my neck?" Except he was sleeping with Acastus, sleeping very close with him. It had been a long time since he'd had someone do that, since he'd had someone so close every morning now. Once he didn't think about those first few morning mishaps. "Not that you couldn't break my neck if I am wearing a nightshirt. It's not exactly a shield, and it's not like you couldn't just, uh..."</p><p>"Push it up and have what I obviously want no matter what you have to say about it?" Ah, yes, that was a very guilty sort of squirm, one Acastus recognized. He'd heard of people having fantasies much like that, not that he had ever understood them, precisely. It wasn't exactly the nature of the sort of sex he preferred, personally.</p><p>He preferred consent. He preferred to trust that things were enjoyable and mutual, but. But McKay was wearing his patience down slowly, even as he gave a jerk of a nod. "Right. Hadn't thought about that until now. Why, uh. Haven't you? I mean, that's where things are obviously going, and uh, I... this morning was, with you, uh..."</p><p>"Do you usually stumble so, hem and haw, over matters of a sexual nature?" It was mostly curiosity that forced him to ask the question. "I prefer mutual satisfaction to strictly personal. I find it more satisfying, and I think that would be doubly so in your case." For so very many reasons.</p><p>"Right. Not, uh, sex, so much as people that uh..." Rodney dropped his eyes, and looked down at his place for a moment, mouth twisting. "I find I enjoy the company of in a manner that leads to sex. In some kind of hopefully long-term way. I, uh, haven't ever stumbled through a one night stand."</p><p>"Then you needn't worry. I have a great deal more than one night in mind." One night, week, month. Year. Acastus felt that Rodney would never, ever bore him, from that wide, expressive mouth and the things that spilled out of it to the violent hand gestures and the paranoia that just kept growning and waning in its own strange way.</p><p>He laid his fork down carefully. "Would you like to accompany me?" he offered, standing slowly. Perhaps subtle was underrated.</p><p>Rodney ate one last forkful of food, quick, and started to stand, too. "I, uh. Do I get to ask where?"</p><p>McKay knew. He just didn't seem capable of admittng it to himself. "To bed."</p><p>There was a moment of genuine hesitation, and if he had said no, then... Acastus would have honored his decision. He would have had to leave the House for a walk, and come back for a very long bath, but he would have honored Rodney's decision. When he looked at Acastus again, his mouth was a little open, and his eyes not focused, but not full of mourning, either. "Oh. Oh, I, yes. Yes."</p><p>"Yes?" Because he wanted to be sure, wanted Rodney to say it once more. Once might be acquiescence from uncertainty, twice a way of shoring up the first in his mind, but three times seemed significant enough that Acastus could accept it. He held out his hand and waited.</p><p>One breath of time, two, and-- "Yes." Rodney swallowed, reached out his fingers, and took Kolya's hand. A little too tightly, perhaps, but of his own free will. He knew that Acastus wasn't going to just take, no matter how tempting it was, no matter how much he wanted to hear Rodney make noise underneath of him, aching and enjoying it at the same time. Acastus had spent too much time, weeks, embedding that thought as deep as he wanted to slide his cock, and it was finally paying off.</p><p>He tugged Rodney gently, the way he might have pulled Chronos, a surprising sort of tenderness that obviously surprised McKay. There was no point in doing otherwise, however; after all, Rodney was giving in, giving him what he wanted, and it was going to be so very good.</p><p>So very good. Acastus led Rodney out of the kitchen's dining area, through the great hall, feeling his fingers shift all the while, his shoes move against the floor. The stairs were navigated just as slowly, and he'd been able to reel Rodney in by then, closer so he walked beside Acastus. His body was tense, shivering in a way that reminded Acastus of a high-strung hound when it was happy. That was an interesting image, interesting and terrible and wonderful, and he paused when they finally reached the door to the master suite.</p><p>"Are you certain?" He shouldn't ask. He didn't want to ask, but he had to, all the same, because that was how things were.</p><p>That was what McKay had become accustomed to, and was perhaps already accustomed to back home. He couldn't imagine anyone just taking the man, for all of his paranoia, or he would have been broken long before Acastus. "I..." I, something, the prelude to another stammering answer. A yes or a no was just as likely, and then McKay leaned up and kissed him instead.</p><p>It was long, deep, and tasted faintly of sour nervousness, bland rice, and meat. That didn't stop Acastus from enjoying it, or deepening the kiss a little more. His hands moved, shifted, one going to pull McKay closer by the nape of his neck, the other gently prodding him into the bedroom.</p><p>He used Rodney's ass to bump open the door to the master bedroom, and caught the slightly startled exhalation that got him in his mouth. Nerves, he could work out, work through, work over. Nerves could be conquered. He half-closed the bedroom door behind him, to preserve warmth in the room, shutting out drafts. McKay's hands wandered, and finally grabbed onto him, one pressing flat against his back, the other halfway around his waist.</p><p>"You'll like this," he promised, voice gone thick and heavy with the want coursing through his veins as he pressed forward, cock brushing against McKay's hip through two layers of clothing. "I swear to you."</p><p>"Was hoping that was the general idea..." Rodney tilted his head, and started to kiss Acastus' neck just above the line of his uniform's collar, pressing in closer. He was hard, pressing his dick against Acastus's thigh. It was fast becoming obvious that despite whatever prudish protests McKay made, he'd done it before. He'd lain with another man before, because he seemed to have a rough, nervous idea of what he was supposed to do.</p><p>That was something. Really something, because the way he shifted was just uncertain enough to turn Acastus on a little more, the way he let Acastus manhandle him to the bed and push him down on it even better. God. McKay wouldn't have looked like this if he'd stolen the man when he wanted to, no. He'd have fought and yelled and foamed at the mouth with the violence of his efforts. Now, things had changed. Now, he didn't have anything to which he could return, and that made a world of difference.</p><p>He wanted it. He was nervous, yes, but he wanted it, no yelling and fighting and foaming at the mouth. His lips were slack and damp and he leaned up right away to try to hold onto Kolya again, trying to kiss him again. If Kolya let him, they'd never get clothes off, never move past kissing like that, and it was tempting. It was tempting, clothes jerked down just enough to get it done, but he'd waited long enough, been sleeping in nightshirts he usually only used when it was freezing, slept next to McKay in them, and he preferred not to go that route if he didn't have to.</p><p>"Let me get you un... yes." Yes, yes, McKay letting his fingers fumble at the suspenders, just like that.</p><p>"Right. Right, you can't have sex dressed. Well, you can, but it leaves you wondering when the cops are going to show up and you don't even have cops here. And that'd be a waste of a really good mattress, which, which..." Rodney licked his lips, and started to try to open the buttons of Acastus's jacket with one hand.</p><p>"Which means you should be quiet now and use your mouth for better things," Acastus murmured, and stole it, working Rodney's shirt out of the pants he was wearing. The suspenders were loose in the front, and that was enough, plenty to work with, and finally he had his hands on that flesh and he didn't need to feel guilty about it at all. No, and it was firmer than he recalled, more muscle, but broad and lacking the obsessive definition of some of the younger soldiers.</p><p>He enjoyed it immensely.</p><p>He enjoyed touching it legitimately as much as he'd enjoyed drying and tending to Rodney when he wasn't so well. Ill clammy skin had a different feeling than healthy, alive skin, muscles and motions. And Rodney kissing him back instead of talking, though there was no reassurance for how long that was going to last. He was still sliding free the buttons of Acastus's shirt, one by one by one, and his own hands had mapped around to the upper curve of Rodney's ass before he felt bare fingers on his stomach, sliding over him.</p><p>Just a little lower... a little...</p><p>Acastus groaned, unable to bite back the sound, and he could feel Rodney's hand trembling. His hands clenched on Rodney, and that felt good, too. The man really had a fine understanding, so to speak, and Acastus loved touching him, loved the feel of it. Those clever, clever fingers were on par with Rodney's ass, though, he had to admit.</p><p>"You're, you're really huge, have you been told that?" That was what he got for groaning and letting Rodney's mouth slip away, even if Rodney started to kiss against his jaw, whatever he could reach without apparently losing the motion of sly fingers stroking him while his other hand finished unbuttoning Acastus's pants.</p><p>"Once or twice. You like it that way?" Yes. Yes, he did, probably, and Acastus shifted, thrusting into that palm. Ah, that was good, and he nipped his way down Rodney's jaw to his throat, unable to stop himself from giving a vicious, tugging bite, one that would bruise, leave his mark.</p><p>He wanted Rodney to feel him for hours afterwards. He wanted to bite and mark and suck and finger and fuck McKay until he never had the 'Lantean commander's name on his lips again. "Oh, oh, damn, I'm going to come in my pants if you keep doing that." He kicked one leg slightly, like a twitchy pferd, but then he brought his knee up to press against Acastus's thigh, drawn up and close. It was only a shame that he was going to have to put Rodney's leg down to get his boots and pants off.</p><p>"Come," Acastus growled. "Then I can suck you hard again." And oh, yes, that got him a shift, a fair amount of squirming. That helped him to at least wiggle at Rodney's pants, push them further off of that ass, and yes. Yes, that was definitely a goal to keep very much in mind.</p><p>Rodney exhaled in a huff, and lifted his hips up to try to grind himself against Acastus. He faltered a little in his stroking, but he did manage to get the buttons of his fly undone without breaking any, and then there was so much more room for Rodney's distracted stroking. "Fuck, fuck, just, please, touch me. Please..."</p><p>"Tell me how." He wanted to know what Rodney wanted, how he liked it, and he wanted to give it to him just that way. "Do you want to come now?" he teased, because he could, and Acastus pushed up with his thigh, firm pressure that rubbed and drew heavy gasps for breath from between Rodney's lips.</p><p>"Yeah. Yeah, I want to, to..." And then he said something or choked on the words and turned his head to press his face against Acastus' shoulder. "Nngh, fuck, fuck." Oh, was that-- Yes, yes, it was, because he shivered, neck muscles straining for a moment in time to the jerking stutter of his hips against Acastus's leg.</p><p>Amazing. Really, truly amazing.</p><p>That gave him time, though; time to slow down, stroke the small of Rodney's back, press kisses to the base of his throat, gentling him from it slightly. "Shhh. Shhh." Shh because it had been a long time, and perhaps it would help in all of his ultimate goals, or maybe because he wanted to, as simple and complicated as that.</p><p>Rodney's eyes were closed, and he exhaled a few shaky breaths. He'd let go of Acastus's dick, but he was trying to shove his pants down, even if the movements felt clumsy for the moment. "Haven't done that since high school. Too fast."</p><p>"We can go slower next time," Acastus rumbled, thumbs stroking slowly over skin, one pressing against the faint presence of a hipbone. "I'll undress you," he offered, moving away slowly.</p><p>"Probably a good idea," Rodney murmured. He seemed sated, calmer and less nervous, and that was what Acastus wanted. Rodney shifted to shrug his shoulders out of the suspenders, and unbuttoned the cuffs at the wrists of his shirt. There was something erotic about the way he moved, all wide motions, broad shoulders, all of the things that appealed to him about a man.</p><p>"Here," he offered, tugging at one cuff and pulling it over Rodney's arm, kneeling up to pull the shirt loose from around him slowly.</p><p>All Rodney had to do was sit up that little bit and move to help, move to aid. It was easy, and the shirt was on the floor soon, better than the last time he'd undressed Rodney. He was clean and healthy and coherent, no babblings about Gates and death. Once his shirt was off, he started to try to mirror the motions on Acastus, pushing his heavy uniform back off of his shoulders.</p><p>"Eager?" It was a good question to ask, and Acastus was certain that he was. Rodney's hands were still shaking, the loose trousers puddled in a way that was likely highly uncomfortable. He pushed Rodney back and shifted so that he could reach the boots he wore, beginning the task of removing them.</p><p>"Should I not be? You did just make me come. It's going to be a while before the other McKay comes around again. I could stall." He didn't, though. He shifted, and tried to put toe to heel to kick them off.</p><p>"Somehow, I don't think it'll be as long as you suspect." Or perhaps it would. They weren't young men, and sometimes that worked against a man more than he would like. Acastus wanted McKay hard when he pushed into that ass, wanted him yelling, and he planned to get it.</p><p>Even if it required a little waiting and playing first. He'd wanted to be in that ass since not long after he'd seen it, and he'd been so close to getting what he wanted since that bath that had helped to snap Rodney back to the living. "I timed it once. Seventeen minutes exactly, and she was, she was a very attractive woman."</p><p>"Don't worry." Acastus wasn't attractive, precisely, but he knew very efficient ways to bring McKay around again. "I think we can at least come close to that." And, yes, there was the second boot off, and he could pull McKay's trousers loose, or he could simply lean down and suck.</p><p>Either. Both. Part of him wanted to do it immediately and the other part of him wanted McKay naked and vulnerable before him, even if the lack of a layer of fabric was only symbolic. Symbols held a great deal of power, knives and guns and uniforms, Ancestral rings and shared meals. It was all symbolic, in the end. "I'm not worried." There was a nervous dart of Rodney's eyes, and then he leaned forwards to peel and pull at the waistband of Acastus's trousers. "I don't think you're exactly going somewhere."</p><p>Ah, and that was a good thing, good thought, good... everything. "Mmm. No. I suspect not, not with you here and so very..." Very available. Very naked. He palmed Rodney's cock, still not completely soft. "Pleasant to be with."</p><p>He hadn't expected the laugh, that seemed to startle its way out of Rodney. Acastus expected the faint motion of hip that Rodney gave, the press against his hand while Rodney finally started to pull his trousers down. It would have been easier to do it himself than to let Rodney do it, but it spoke volumes about how far things had progressed.</p><p>What had passed that morning must have been like a dam breaking. "Pleasant. Are you sure you're not drunk?"</p><p>"Fairly certain, unless you snuck something into the wine." His voice hitched a little, breath skittering as Rodney stroked over him again. "It surprises you that I find your company enjoyable. You're a brilliant man, McKay, and you've never been bashful about it. You bend when I need you to bend, though, and you don't break." Lies, lies, because he was broken, and Acastus knew he was responsible. As long as Rodney didn't know, didn't quite grasp it...</p><p>"Yeah. Why go to pieces over, over something you can't change?" His pants slid down to his thighs, and after that it seemed like the rest of the work was up to him, because Rodney was pulling at him, trying to pull Acastus down on top of him, and it was working. It worked because Acastus wanted it to work, wanted to be on top of him, wanted to pull those heavy thighs up to McKay's knees and pin him down hard, so he let Rodney get away with it.</p><p>His own boots were hampering him, but he was accomplished at getting them off, and there was plenty of time for that, yet. One day, he'd have Rodney waiting to help him take them off every evening, straddling his thigh to pull them off. For now, he was going to do his best to retain patience.</p><p> </p><p>Things would progress. And they already had, so far in less time than Acastus had expected, but still more effort on his behalf than he'd expected. Rodney groaned, clutching at Acastus. "Fuck. Fuck, you feel amazing..." Fingers sliding over his back again, and this time fingering the scar didn't make him go stiff and quiet, didn't make him say that name. Acastus hated that name.</p><p>"You will believe it even more in half an hour," he promised, moving away only reluctantly. He needed to get off his boots or there would be trouble with them later. He could probably use the traction to his advantage, but he wouldn't like moving away to pull them off later.</p><p>He didn't like to have sex without a full range of motion. Too much could go wrong, and he wanted to stay abed with Rodney. He wanted to rest before the mission and enjoy himself and not have to find a cleaner uniform to wear. </p><p>Rodney sat up, leaned on his elbow, and slid a hand down between his own legs to lazily stroke his dick while he watched. That was, that was not something someone tended to do when things were a ruse, and Acastus had seen enough of those in his lifetime to tell the difference.</p><p>That meant he had accomplished exactly what he had wanted, a pleasing thought that made his lips curl even as he managed to get the first boot off and went to work on the second. "Keep that up," he prompted, watching McKay with no small amount of greed. He was rising again, slowly but surely. "I like to see you touch yourself."</p><p>That was almost an appeal to arrogance, because McKay's expression faltered for a moment as if he was embarrassed, and then he did keep it up, did keep stroking himself even though it had to tingle and ache. The 'Lantean liked it a little rough, a little firm, he could tell already. Maybe that edge of fear, of having no choice but to feel made him enjoy it more.</p><p>Maybe that was why he always gave Acastus what he wanted so very, very soon, before there was more than a smirk passed between them to remind Rodney that he still held the knife.</p><p>It wasn't the time for that now, though, and Acastus had his other boot off, stripped away his pants to hang them neatly over the trunk at the end of the bed. "What would you do, McKay, if I told you that I wanted you to reach further back?" That was an inevitability, really, something that would be done. Rodney could do it or he could do it, but he wanted to watch Rodney do it, frankly.</p><p>"I..." Rodney squeezed his dick at the base, pulling one leg up to plant his foot flat on the mattress. "I'd ask for some kind of lubricant?"</p><p>Lubricant. Something slick and wet, like the small glass vial in the drawer beside the bed. There were other ways, though, as long as he wasn't planning to shove his cock in him without the oil, and so Acastus slunk back into the bed. "Lubricant," he said slowly, kissing the inside of one thigh. "Tell me what you'd do then."</p><p>"I'd, uh..." Rodney's leg muscles twitched, and he leaned heavily on that one elbow. His lips were slack when he answered, and his eyes were wide, just a little dilated. "I'd feel around a little, take my time before I slid a finger in."</p><p>"Do you do it often?" Hm, yes. There was a faint taste of sweat, a heavy sort of musky flavor just beneath it, but it was all pleasing. "Do you like to fuck yourself that way, McKay? Do you want me to do it?"</p><p>"Yeah. I, I want you to do it. Your own hands are never as good, and you..." Rodney was still gripping the base of his dick, breathing a little harder. "I want you."</p><p>Acastus gave a slow, easy smile from just below those fingers, then leaned forward and licked, leaving a hot trail over McKay's balls. "I think I beat your seventeen," he murmured, and then moved forward to lick a little deeper, a little lower.</p><p>"Oh, shit." Rodney shifted, and laid back finally, still holding onto his hard cock. He started to draw his other leg up, shifting like he wanted to invite Acastus to do whatever he wanted to do. "You're, you're doing, your mouth, oh shit."</p><p>Well, perhaps not shit, or Acastus hoped as much. He could almost feel Rodney falling apart around him even as he delved in, tongue flickering between rounded cheeks with a slow, steady lap. Chronos had rarely allowed this act, but McKay was moderately shameless. He would allow almost anything, and Acastus planned to take full advantage of that fact.</p><p>Things that he would have gotten punched in the shoulder for before were now possibilities. Rodney never stopped talking, murmuring under his breath, 'fuck fuck fuck' and 'oh god' in a babble that never included the name 'John'. There wasn't anything unpleasant meeting his tongue, just the faint taste of soap.</p><p>So that was what Rodney had been doing. That was good, because it made the act that much more enjoyable, and by the time Acastus pulled away, face smeared with his own saliva, Rodney was panting heavily again. One arm was flung over his head and another over his eyes, and he didn't stop Acastus when he shifted slowly upwards and kissed him, hard and heavy and lustful.</p><p>"I want to fuck you now."</p><p>"If you wanted me to wear a party hat while you did it, I'd say yes. That was, that was amazing..." Amazing meant that it had to have felt good for Rodney, because his cock was drooling, a little slick, and he kissed Acastus back without hesitating.</p><p>"Fingers first?" It was necessary to offer, even if he wanted to slick his cock and slam home, fuck Rodney into screaming. Pain or pleasure, either way, it would be good for Acastus.</p><p>He liked the way Rodney sounded both ways.</p><p>"Yeah. It's been a, a while." It shouldn't have been that way. If Rodney had been a native Genii there would have been at least a short line of men willing to shut him up with a cock in his mouth. "Not many people, I mean, I've been on military bases for years..."</p><p>"What does that have to do with anything?" The question didn't keep Acastus from reaching for the bedside table, taking the oil from it and pulling the cork. "Sex is a natural act. All adults practice it among the Genii." Especially the military.</p><p>"The Canadians don't mind, but the US Military, it.." Rodney made a shaky circular gesture of his hand, watching his movements in a way that made Acastus smile. "Men aren't allowed to be with men. Or women with women."</p><p>"Then I'll be careful in showing my appreciation of you," Acastus promised, because pain could come later, could be made into something good, fantastic, once Rodney was accustomed to other ways.</p><p>"Huh... What's that made of?" He was still a little breathless, cock hard and jutting up from his stomach, but he could still find the breath to ask that.</p><p>"A nut oil." Acastus allowed his fingers to trail slowly, carefully into place, and pushed one in slowly as he clarified. "The ones you like to eat in nut bread at breakfast. Cassat."</p><p>"It's, it's certainly smooth." He closed his eyes, head pressed back against the mattress. His muscles squeezed against that finger, made Acastus want to hurry when he slowly shoved it in further and Rodney groaned. The clench of him was hot, smooth, all narrow, squeezing muscle. He was going to be a tight fuck, and that thought made him drawn in a deep, steadying breath, and reach down to hold tightly to his own cock.</p><p>He needed to, wanted to make it last. He wanted Rodney to feel him, but the other option was always to do it over and over. A few times, until they were both sore and sated, and the mission the next morning was the farthest thing from his mind.</p><p>"You can, you can go a little faster. I'm not going to break."</p><p>Not going to break, and those words earned him another finger, pushed in hard and fast, and then Acastus stroked them both almost out of him before plunging it in again deeply, listening to Rodney's garbled sound of pleasure, words that flowed from somewhere near the back of his throat. "Soon," he murmured, spreading slow, damp trails over McKay's shoulder with lips and tongue. "Soon."</p><p>Rodney clutched an arm around him, as if that could brace him against the thrusts, counterpoint to Acastus' motions. "Yes, yes, fuck, please soon. My dick's going to fall off if you don't." He shifted his hips, and then squeezed around Acastus's fingers with a certain deliberation.</p><p>If it wasn't a signal, Acastus would say later that he'd thought it was. He shifted his fingers, slid them out and reached for the oil again to slick his cock. "I want to push your legs up." Up to his ears, wanted to curl Rodney's spine and come down into him from above. Later, he'd want Rodney to ride him, but that was later.</p><p>He wanted Rodney in a hundred different ways, over him, under him, across from him at dinner and waiting for him to come home, kicking him in the legs with twitchy feet in his sleep. Rodney groaned when he pulled his fingers out, and didn't let go of Acastus, yet. Not yet. "Yes. Just fuck me already."</p><p>Invitations were better than signals, and so Acastus moved over him, faster than he should have been able to, most likely, already slipping and sliding in the furrow between McKay's cheeks. It was easy enough to search out the hole even as he pushed up those legs, opening them wide. "I can do that."</p><p>He had Rodney bent in half before he knew what was going on, spreading him and tilting his ass up for a better angle when he did slide in. That was when it seemed to hit Rodney, that his ankles were going onto Acastus's shoulders and he was going to get fucked, because he went wide-eyed for a long moment, and then Acastus found the right spot and pushed, and he was in. He was in, and Rodney was clenching so tight around him that he couldn't move. It had to hurt, had to, and he wasn't sure he could stop the steady, heavy push of his hips.</p><p>"Relax, McKay!"</p><p>"I can't!" No, no, he could and he was going to have to, and he was only panicking now because it did hurt. "Fuck, fuck, you're too..." Sliding in already. His body angle was doing it for him, and if he leaned in to kiss Rodney's lips closed, his dick would be fully in Rodney, and he wanted that desperately, so he did. Leaned down, kissed him hard, and bottomed out, fully in, and he could feel the struggle beneath him, the sounds that told him McKay was convinced he couldn't take it, couldn't hold it, but he was in.</p><p>In.</p><p>And oh, fuck, fuck, Ancestors above, he was tight and clenching, a rhythmic, cramping sort of pull that made Acastus kiss him harder and pull back an inch or two to push back inside.</p><p>There was a whine in Rodney's throat, a noise that stuck in his chest during those first few stuttered motions. It was hard to thrust when every shift brought a cascade of spasms, muscles too tight and the body beneath him only slowly starting to loosen up.</p><p>"Relax," Acastus crooned, bringing his hands and mouth into play again. Yes, he wanted to fuck Rodney with his knees at his ears, but for now he let them loose, wrapped them so that McKay's heels rested on the back of his thighs. He kissed him, and stroked from thigh to waist to arm, groaning faintly as he tried to stop. Tried. "Relax..."</p><p>Tried and couldn't, but it seemed to be working, seemed to be calming and soothing the man. He wouldn't break, he said, but that had to be bravado. Rodney was so tight around him still, but he wasn't fighting. He was clinging against Acastus, kissing him back hard between exhalations and softer whines. "It's huge."</p><p>"So I've been told." It was usually said with a lot more excitement and a lot less whimpering, but Acastus could live with it. The clenching was getting better, and it was easy to slide out a little now, push back inside. "I should have entered less quickly." He hadn't wanted to, though. He didn't plan to. Ever.</p><p>It made Rodney groan again, and his heels dug in against Acastus' muscles, his body squirming as if he wanted closer. "Too late to stop now..." Rodney hadn't even lost all of his erection, dick half hard between their bodies and getting better while Rodney talked.</p><p>"Too late," Acastus agreed, and pulled back further, almost all the way, to push in again. He could see the way Rodney flung his head back, throat cording momentarily, could feel the way Rodney pushed down on him. It was mind-boggling good, and he took a deep breath to steady himself before doing it again.</p><p>Back, and then all the way in again, Rodney's body reacting more coherently than Rodney's mouth. His mouth complained, but his muscles were singing for Acastus, tight and shivering and on edge already because that slow slide in and back out was good to it. It had only been a while as McKay had said it, too long since he'd last been fucked. Too long, and now there was this, this heavy, heady pleasure, all push and pull and clamping joy in a way that let Acastus know it was going to end much too soon.</p><p>Much too soon.</p><p>He shuddered and reached between them, taking Rodney in his hand. "I need to...." Needed to stroke him, needed to fuck him hard, needed to get off.</p><p>It was good that he didn't have to fight Rodney's fingers, good that Rodney's fingers were at his back and the nape of his neck, and not interfering while he stroked and thrust and goaded Rodney to come again, around his dick. "Yeah, yeah, just a little. Little more."</p><p>Little more, stroking, and yes, faster, harder, and if he reached down for just one knee, he could pull it up and that angle, that one, Rodney liked it. He liked it very much, so Acastus shifted, pounded in, and he could feel the snarl spreading over his face, all feral pleasure. "Fuck!"</p><p>Rodney's mouth fell slack, quiet urgings still rising up like water from a well, and he dug at Kolya with his other leg, trying to get him closer when there was no closer to get than inside of his ass, reaching for those last few thrusts, those last moments of pleasure. They didn't last long, never long enough, especially the first time. This was no exception to that rule, and Acastus flicked his wrist rapidly, bringing Rodney off only seconds before he pushed in hard one last time and came.</p><p>Came in Rodney and into those tense twitching muscles. He gave a few last half-thrusts, wearing himself out for at least another half an hour. There were no words, no babble in the air. Just Rodney's mouth slack and close enough for kissing if he moved right. He had that much energy, almost. Just enough, and he sighed, slumping down slowly to get himself a little bit closer. Just close enough to kiss him, and then he was there, and they were soft kisses, slightly salty, just a little damp.</p><p>"Hmmm." Yes. It had been much too long since he had done this.</p><p>It was pleasant. Rodney's lips moved sluggishly, fingers coming back to slow life against Acastus's back. "That, fuck, that was good, I didn't think it, I could take it. Let me..." Move his leg, the muscles twitching to try to move in a way that wasn't as enticing as his tight hole.</p><p>"Let me," Acastus offered, shifting, pulling out slowly, so slowly. There was a whiffy squelching noise that followed, but he couldn't bring himself to do more than smile, a faint twitch of lips. "Hm. I think we should have been doing this longer."</p><p>"Longer in terms of sooner, or longer in terms of timeframe?" Rodney stretched his legs, but he stayed otherwise still beneath Acastus. For a ten count of time. "I need to shower."</p><p>"Longer in terms of both," Acastus decided, draping a little more heavily over McKay. "I like you as you are. Stay."</p><p>"We're going to smell in the morning." It was a weak protest, though. There was no heat behind it, not like some of McKay's protests. He moved, turning his head to press kisses against Acastus's neck.</p><p>"We'll stink," Acastus corrected, rolling slightly so that McKay was pulled close against him without being able to flee for the bath. "You will be able to smell." And Acastus wouldn't really mind, either way. It was pleasant, that thought, sex scent lingering on them and on the sheets.</p><p>"Great. You were a language major, weren't you? Suddenly everything makes sense." He twisted and turned, not in a way that indicated escape, but -- ah, blankets. It would be a shame to leave that ass to get cold.</p><p>Maybe one day soon he'd do a little something more to heat it up.</p>
<hr/><p>"That's a pretty serious expression," Elizabeth greeted as Radek settled into one of the chairs in her office. His hair was a bit wilder than usual, and at some point, his glasses had finally lost one of the tiny screws and had been bound up with duct tape ever since. The Daedalus hadn't made a trip to Pegasus in almost eight months, the threat of the Ori too heavy now that Earth was fully at war with them. "What's on your mind?"</p><p>"Everything? You are sending Simpson to the Genii Homeworld. This is, this is such bad idea there are no words to express to you the, the stupidity of sending her, because she, she cannot -- what good is it to send her? She cannot explain their technological leap, but she is, can be very useful here, Doctor Weir." He was gesturing with the pen from his tablet, frowning sharply at her. Since they'd lost contact with Earth, Radek had become almost annoying protective of his scientists.</p><p>Elizabeth understood it, of course. They all did. They'd held out hope to the last, but there had been no signs, nothing at all remaining of Rodney McKay, and Ronon couldn't remember anything that might have happened to him. They had stumbled loose from the beam, or maybe he'd been by himself and it hadn't released Rodney at all. The dart had exploded, and if it hadn't released him, then there just wasn't any Rodney anymore at all.</p><p>It had been a long, hard fourteen months, most of those spent without any contact from Earth, the war with the Wraith heating up in jerking increments. The entire galaxy was desperate, and Elizabeth knew they were willing to take all of the help they could get, even if it was from the Genii and their surprising advances. The fact that they had been exposed to the Atlantis expedition repeatedly, that Carson was giving their physicians medical training in how to treat radiation sickness, cancer, might explain some of it. Some. Not all.</p><p>"We have to figure out what's going on so that we can plan the next stage in our attacks, Radek," she murmured, leaning back in her chair. "You don't go on missions, and that's your prerogative as head scientist. It's probably the best idea, even. The problem is simply that someone has to go. Someone has to understand what's going on there."</p><p>"Wonderful. I am sure that the next stage in their attacks will involve, oh, taking more hostages and setting negotiations back for months. Again. I do not want for Simpson to be among those, do you understand? I do not think she has the, the mechanical knowledge to see where this began. She is a theorist!" And yet Radek wasn't offering himself up to take her place.</p><p>Couldn't. Because if they lost Doctor Zelenka, their next best scientists simply weren't good enough.</p><p>Elizabeth gave a heavy sigh. "I don't want... I can't tell you to go, Radek. But you're the only one I can see as a possibility, the best person to try and see exactly what they're doing. And yet..." Yet. They couldn't afford to lose him, not the way they'd lost so many others. Not the way they'd lost Rodney. "Isn't there anyone you can think of? I'll... We'll send a full complement of Marines. Slip in a puddle jumper behind everyone."</p><p>"Then, I, I will go?" He offered that like it had startled him, like he hadn't expected to, and Elizabeth guessed that he hadn't. "Just, send us with Major Lorne. The Genii and him are the only officers who are not like fire and C4."</p><p>Well, that was the honest truth. Major Lorne had actually forgiven them for the incident involved in the overthrow of Cowen, and seemed to understand Ladon at least some small amount. Enough not to shoot him, which was important, considering the urges the rest of the military felt towards them. "Of course. We'll send Major Lorne with you, and a small group of Marines, and then the rest in the puddle jumper. Just in case."</p><p>Elizabeth wished she didn't feel paranoid enough to indulge in those words. Still, it wasn't paranoia if someone was really out to get them, was it?</p><p>"And is Doctor Beckett going?" Zelenka's fingers shifted on the touchscreen laptop's edges, almost nervous.</p><p>"Yes. Most of his patients are doing remarkably well, but he'd like to check on them, particularly on Ladon's sister. Since they increased the shielding on their nuclear reactors, we hope that things will be better for the Genii." That the cancer would stop spreading, wouldn't affect the newborns the way it had the children who had already died from radiation sickness. So many children, really, and the Genii were desperate for more.</p><p>That was another thing that bothered Elizabeth about their jump in technology. With so much concentration on rebuilding their society via rising birthrate, who had the time for sex and science?</p><p>Maybe they had scientists who were busy having sex while they researched. It seemed like something stupid that would crop up among their own scientists, if Elizabeth didn't suspect that half of them were gay, and the other half desperately disliked their fellow scientists. The marriage ratios between Marines and civilians were rising, but not so high in each group by themselves. "Better and friendlier. It is cold war, all over again. I will prepare for the mission and tell Simpson that she is remaining here."</p><p>"Thank you, Radek." She didn't want him to go. There were hundreds of reasons, very high among them the fact that he was head of the science division, but first and foremost was the fact that Elizabeth had long since discovered herself more than a little in love with him. There was nothing to do about it; she was the leader of Atlantis, what they had left. She couldn't afford that kind of dalliance, not yet. Not while she still had the hope that they would see Earth or the Daedalus again.</p><p>He didn't tell her 'welcome', just nodded his head and turned to leave. He hadn't been nervous around her for a while, since he'd had to take over where McKay had been. Radek sat in all meetings now and herded scientists who weren't exactly in his field of expertise. </p><p>It was just a run of the mill mission. It was just the Genii. He'd be safe.</p>
<hr/><p>He was safe.</p><p>No matter how much the primeval forest surrounding the abandoned Ancient outpost made him twitch, Rodney knew that nothing was going to happen to him. Acastus would make sure of it in whatever way was necessary, and that was enough for him to know.</p><p>"So, you see, this crystal? It goes in like that, and then this one follows -- just this one, notice the shape? -- and if you cross this filament with the one you saw back here just so it...." Lights up like a fairway, and no, he wasn't thinking about Ferris wheels or Air Force Lieutenant Colonels or the deadly scent of cotton candy or roasted peanuts. He really, really wasn't.</p><p>"Only you could get this up and running again, McKay." The pride in Acastus's voice was undeniable, enjoyable even, more so than the nights that he had brought someone else to their bed. Usually, it was women, and Rodney had always been fond of busty blondes, so it wasn't as if it was a great trouble, exactly. It just made him feel uncomfortable and strange, and he wasn't sure what to think of that.</p><p>He supposed that the odd thing of it was that Acastus watched. Or he sat behind Rodney and teased him, and Rodney really wasn't that much of an exhibitionist. Or at all. It had last happened a week ago, and he was still shaking it off, still holding it up as a comparison to the peacefulness of just the two of them working together again. They'd only had one close call with the Wraith, where Acastus had dragged him to one of the closed, hidden entrances to the city.</p><p>"Yes, well, that's true. I am. Now, let's see what kind of data I can get out of it."</p><p>Data was a good thing, especially in the days after Acastus brought someone for him to fuck. Data was something he could deal with, something solid and unchanging. It meant exactly what it meant with nothing hidden, nothing odd about it, nothing to make him uncomfortable. The days after, Acastus always had something new for him, a trip topside or new Ancient equipment, new food that he might particularly like. He'd gained back the weight he'd lost in his initial grief, and Acastus seemed to like him that way. He often slunk down, laid his head against Rodney's belly in a way that implied it was enjoyable.</p><p>"What is it that you see, McKay?" Of course, because Acastus didn't read Ancient, at least not well. He said some of the other scientists did, but Rodney had this thing about dealing with stupid people, so he didn't really bother to go to the labs. It was easier with Acastus as a go-between.</p><p>It was easier just not to deal with them, because they were the people who thought that radioactive materials didn't need shielding and they were the people who'd poisoned themselves. He watched the data come up on the screen he'd spent a week putting together, building a piecemeal computer that didn't remind him of a Soviet era CRT like they'd had in Siberia. "I'll need time to translate it, but it seems to be their last records. They were falling back to Atlantis. Dammit, I wish I had my old computer. Then I wouldn't have to deal with this backwards. I want their research, not their Blackbox."</p><p>Acastus paused, thoughtful. "Your old computer..." he said finally. "We found something similar on one of the worlds with which we trade, a few weeks ago. They were asking an exorbitant price for it, of course, and it might not be functional, but... if you wanted...."</p><p>If he wanted. Oh, GOD, if he wanted, he so totally wanted!</p><p>He wanted it the way he wanted all sorts of Earth-things, things that he shouldn't have missed at all. Waxy American chocolate and stupid stupid Marines and technology that was just a squabble with other scientists away from him. Rodney's head jerked up, and he looked back over his shoulder at Acastus. "Really? I'm sitting here repairing ten thousand year old consoles, of course I can fix it even if it's not functional."</p><p>And oh, God, the fact that his grumpy snap made Acastus smile like that... it made all of this worthwhile. J... no one else had ever given him that kind of fatuous pleased smile. Just smirks or snarls or... or other things, things he wasn't thinking about. Still. Ever.</p><p>Things he wouldn't admit to thinking about, anyway.</p><p>"Then I'll get it for you. If you want to put things away here, I believe I can get a trip together to fetch it for you tomorrow, or hunt down whoever might have paid the price."</p><p>"Maybe you can pay for it with broken shiny crystals. I'll finish getting this report first. But with this system I can't select the data, and the Ancients were neurotic about their redundancy processes. I'd probably download the same thing ten times in a row and fill up the drive." And with his luck, it would be all boring cultural things. Or psychology. He'd found some ancient pre-Ascension psychological writings and they would have put Freud to shame.</p><p>The Ancients had been seriously kinky bastards underneath all of that grandstanding. Seriously.</p><p>"Sounds like a good idea. Wrap it up, McKay." The slap against his shoulder was encouraging, familiar, and Acastus stood, wandered off a bit to look at a few of the other things there in the outpost. It gave Rodney the time to put things together without someone looking over his shoulder, which he appreciated.</p><p>He had all of the company and solitude that he wanted, the trust that he was going to do things right without threats. And nothing was ever all on his shoulders, something that he was still enjoying. The fate of the world was not on his shoulders. Anything he did was an added bonus, something special and helpful even though the Genii had to know the sheer volume of mental output he could produce.</p><p>They didn't ask him to save the world, though. The universe. He could just be quiet and stay in Acastus's chambers if that was what he wanted to do, nothing but that, and there was something of a relief about that, something wonderful. Something terrible, too, indescribably so. His mind was always at work, and he came up with hundreds of new theories with no way to test them. No one to understand.</p><p>God, sometimes he missed Radek so much he could taste Czech in the surrounding air.</p><p>Not in, well, not in that way, but he could remember those heated moments when they'd discuss things and then do and then carry them forwards. He hoped Radek was alive and well at the Atlantis base in the land of the freezing cold, that he was still testing and enjoying science. He hoped that someone else got to understand what it was like to work with the man when the air was so heavy with curses that a man almost started to understand them.</p><p>He'd get the outpost running by himself. It was up, it was coming to life, and all he could get was that damn Blackbox. Falling back to Atlantis, end transmission, the name and ranks of the commanders. Falling back to Atlantis.</p><p>Atlantis. Atlantis, over and over in his head, like some crazy announcement that just wouldn't stop. Fall back to Atlantis. Return to Atlantis. Atlantis, Atlantis, Atlantis. If only it would stop, because it made him feel just a little crazy. Crazier. Something. He wasn't sure which, and considering his current situation, it was probably better not to think about it too closely. Probably smarter.</p><p>"I brought food with us, if you'd like. There's a waterfall, that way. You can see to the bottom of the calmer pools, and there are no dangerous animals or fish nearby," Acastus promised him.</p><p>Rodney ducked his head down for a moment, tucking the last of his equipment into the heavy metal box that he'd filled with padding foam. "You promised that last time, and we ran into a fish that had legs and nails."</p><p>"I killed it for you," Acastus reminded him, and yes, yes, he had. He'd fried it, too, but Rodney just hadn't been able to face eating something when he'd seen the blood gushing out of it. MREs were much preferable, thanks very much. "But no, this is one of the places we take the children to swim."</p><p>He'd seen a lot of those in the last few months, babes in arms, literally. So many women wandering about with tiny children, no more than three or four months old at the very most. They wailed and cried, and freaked Rodney out just a little. He was glad that there weren't any in Kolya House.</p><p>He preferred the quiet, rather than thinking that the Genii were trying to match the leap in their self-sustainability with a population boom. Rodney supposed that it was his fault that they had better power capabilities -- all with that important cut-off switch, so if the Wraith came they'd pass by the cities. Plural. Rodney had only seen the one, the capital, but Acastus spoke of the other cities as just as impressive. "All right. Translating this can wait."</p><p>"Naked swimming," Acastus prompted him, and wow. Wow, that was kind of a reward, all things considered. Rodney could live with that.</p><p>"Naked swimming," he agreed, and put the cover back on the open hatchway. There were, after all, worse ways to spend the afternoon.</p>
<hr/><p>There were worse ways to spend the afternoon. Marching in formation beside bigger men, all toothy smiles and 'you weak little fag' grins until he'd proven that he was a decent sniper, a better than decent sniper.</p><p>He still hated the military. Hated the superiority of it, the way they dismissed scientists. There was no greater hell than a whole culture that was military, marching and uniforms and high caliber training in a socialist way that reminded Radek of propaganda posters. He hated the way the Genii lived, by proxy of his knowledge of the rot that that kind of societal structure covered.</p><p>Usually, it was brain rot. That was why it seemed so mystifying that they had made such a grand leap in scientific knowledge, really, and Ladon... Well. He wasn't exactly providing any better information to them, not the way Radek had hoped he might.</p><p>Carson was buried deep in their medical layers, leaving Radek and Lorne to wander through the labs, being shown a variety of developments that edged on familiar in a way that frustrated Radek, made his teeth clench. There was something about it, and it was impossible, and he hated it. Hated the fact that he was seeing Rodney in everything today. There were days like that, of course, days when he saw McKay in everything he did. Some, naturally, were worse than others.</p><p>It was a shame today was one of them.</p><p>It was just that the Genii didn't have everything they needed. Half of their technology didn't seem like true capability leaps, but workarounds that amounted to the same thing. And some of their theories seemed full of holes. The man who'd tried to explain their shielding to him hadn't done it as well as the woman, but neither of them could argue about the theory and where it was headed. Which felt like Eastern Europe all over again.</p><p>Radek couldn't remember the last time he'd been so frustrated. Well, yes, he did, but he wasn't going to think about it. It was better not to think about it, Radek was sure, and...</p><p>"Dr. Zelenka." Ah. Sora, the pretty little terrorist they had kept incarcerated for a short period. He remembered her rather well, particularly since she had been desperately confused as to why they hadn't killed her.</p><p>It just wasn't their way. They just didn't kill, unless they had a choice. She was alive, subduable... To kill her would have been murder, not self-defense. "Commander Sora." He gave a glance to Major Lorne, and gave her a tight flash of a smile. "What can I help you with?"</p><p>"Could I have a word with you?" She said it softly, quietly, and it was obvious that whatever she wanted, she had waited until he had a moment to himself, away from the other Genii. "It's very important."</p><p>"Oh, I uh... I am not allowed to remove myself from Major Lorne's presence." He tilted his head backwards, and it was curiosity that was making him hesitate about even insisting on that simple fact.</p><p>"Of course. Of course. I'm sure that Major Lorne will wish to hear this as well." She hesitated. "I assume, since Colonel Sheppard's death, you are acting commander of Atlantis."</p><p>Radek could feel Lorne stiffen beside him. "Ah. Yes, ma'am. Something like that."</p><p>"Then this will concern you, as well."</p><p>And funny that she would say it that way, assume that. Radek started to open his mouth, and then he closed it even though his nerves were twinging. "Yes, then we are interested."</p><p>"Please. Come with me," Sora invited, and turned away from them. There were myriad corridors that ran from the lab, and the one she turned them down was dark, small enough to make him feel claustrophobic. Lorne's hand shifted, pressed to his thigh holster cautiously.</p><p>Radek had a gun tucked into his own holster, but it was not as impressive as Lorne's, or the semiautomatic that Lorne had holstered against his chest. "You mind if I ask where we are going?" Hopefully it wasn't an ambush, even though he could picture a room full of Genii officers waiting for them wherever Sora was leading them. With guns, and their strange World War One era uniforms.</p><p>"Just out of the way." She seemed nervous, and that was entirely unlike her. They followed her down the tunnel, and when it made a sharp turn to the left, she paused, ducked her head around it, and then gestured them to follow. There was a small door not far after that, and she slipped inside, and held the door for them. "Please."</p><p>Lorne glanced back, glanced into the room, and then shrugged at him. That didn't seem like the kind of go-ahead Radek really wanted, but he obviously wasn't going to get anything better. Lorne didn't see anything, even though with their luck the floor would fall out from underneath of them.</p><p>But at least she was standing on the floor already, and that was a good sign. Of sorts. He stepped in, scanning the walls, looking for the trap. "So, uh..."</p><p>"I have news for you," she greeted shortly, shutting the door behind them. He wasn't surprised to see her shift a heavy iron bar into place, or to see her eyes darting to all corners. "Important news, about Dr. McKay."</p><p>"Doctor McKay?" News about him? But he was dead, and there wasn't ever news about the dead to be had. Unless... Unless he wasn't dead after all, and would that not make so much sense? It would explain every one of their scientific leaps, and he didn't want to think about the sort of life that would have been for Rodney. If he was still, still alive. Kept in a cell or chained to a worktable.</p><p>Maybe worse.</p><p>"Dr. McKay's dead," Major Lorne gritted, the P90 shifting firmly in his grasp.</p><p>"No. No, that's what I want to tell you. He isn't dead, I'm sure of it. He hasn't been seen, at least not by me or anyone else that I know of but... Commander Kolya..."</p><p>Oh, and that name. That name sent chills through Radek because he remembered Rodney's arm, remembered helping him to peel off the gauze afterwards, soak off his jacket and shirt sleeve.</p><p>"Commander Kolya, there's someone living in Kolya House. Someone that we don't see. Women go in for evening visits, and then come out again, but they never say...."</p><p>"But you suspect." Women going in for evening visits? Radek wanted to repeat it, but he didn't. Kolya House, in the custody of that mad Genii commander that Ladon had believed was dead when he'd come to them asking for help. But he had crossed paths with the first gate team more than once, so. So perhaps that was why.</p><p>Radek wasn't sure. He frowned, and then looked at Major Lorne. Did they have the resources to take him back, or would it be better to come back better prepared?</p><p>"I'm going to need something solid if I'm going to stage anything, ma'am," Major Lorne said finally. "If your people are keeping one of our scientists hostage here..."</p><p>"I understand." Sora moistened her lips and drew in a deep breath. "I believe very few people know about this. Hardly any. I know only because I have known Dr. McKay for some time, and because I trained with Commander Kolya. This is... specifically the Commander's situation, Major."</p><p>"So somehow all of this technology has advanced, yet no one else is responsible for it but Commander Kolya?" It was hard to believe that no one else knew. Someone knew, Commander Sora knew. "Where... where is that man's house? Just for uh. Information's sake."</p><p>"Someone would have to show you." Someone, and that meant Sora. It was obvious. "I... There are only two of us who know. And we... I have objected. And the other, well, we've been covering for the information as coming from one of us." She sighed. "But this. The women, the children..."</p><p>Oh.</p><p>Oh God.</p><p>"So, are you going to show us?" The tilt of Lorne's head said it all, really.</p><p>"He's been breeding McKay?" And that was a thought that would never have come across the minds of anyone at Atlantis, even if they were stranded forever. It never would have come up or come to that, but, but the madness of the Genii was perhaps more than radiation poisoning.</p><p>"If you were to show us where..." It would be an easy in and out. A, a, what did Lorne call them? Reconnaissance?</p><p>"There are guards between here and there, to keep any of you from wandering and getting lost in the city. Commander Kolya...." She licked her lips again. "He decided to take the doctor above the surface this afternoon. Near one of the Ancestral outposts, I think. If perhaps...."</p><p>Yes.</p><p>Yes.</p><p>"Could you..." He offered her his laptop after a few quick, precise taps brought up a map of what they knew of the Genii home world’s surface. "Perhaps just point to where we would be looking if we were looking for that outpost?"</p><p>"I can do better than that." She reached carefully into a pocket and withdrew a folded piece of paper. "This is a map, as best I could draw. It gives the location of the city with the Ancestral Ring as the central marking."</p><p>He looked at it, and then passed it to Major Lorne. The Major was less likely to be patted down at any point while they tried to leave. Apparently even the Genii would respect a bigger gun than anything that they carried. "Thank you. I think perhaps that our relations with your people could uh, remain unharmed after this has been cleared up."</p><p>The visible wilt in her shoulders seemed to be relief. "I would be grateful, Dr. Zelenka. We... Most of us, we have no involvement in this matter. This is the first opportunity to speak with you that I have managed to find, and so..." And so. Easier to speak with him than Carson, who was always surrounded by patients, or one of the Marines, who so often tended towards quick action. Yes.</p><p>"If it's any help, ma'am, thanks," Major Lorne said, and nodded.</p><p>"Yes, thank you. If you... need any help repairing whatever Rodney has created, we will. Yes." Radek cut himself off, nodding to her. "I think it best that we leave for moment. Thank you." Rodney. Rodney was on the surface and they had the puddle jumper lying in wait for them, cloaked, and it was going to be so easy to get him. Just one man. That was all they would need.</p><p>Radek knew exactly who to send.</p>
<hr/><p>The rocks around the pool were scattered, a few flat-topped and sun-warmed. There were still sprawling limbs spreading out over the small pool where they had gone swimming, and they left the rocks in the shade. Acastus had brought a blanket and some food and they'd napped for a little while after they'd gone swimming and eaten and now...</p><p>Well. Now.</p><p>It was relaxing in a lot of ways. Routine, something familiar for Rodney. Acastus had a shameless physicality to him, an exhibitionist side that Rodney wasn't accustomed to, still. Except he wasn't going to think about it, wasn't. Wasn't. It was better to stretch out, half-hugging the fabric of Acastus's jacket to him while the other man knelt back and poured oil over his fingers. </p><p>"I could fall asleep like this if you're going to take your time."</p><p>"Then close your eyes and drowse again." Sleep a little, because Acastus liked to look at him sprawled out in his jacket, Rodney knew it. It was kind of funny. After all, what was he, some kind of bizarre scientist cheerleader with the head torturer-slash-quarterback's letter jacket on?? He was never going to get used to the way things worked in the Genii home world. Never.</p><p>But it was warm, and there was a blanket under his ass. There was no one around but Rodney and Acastus. It was probably some Genii high-holy day of worshipping rock walls and radioactive ore or something, and that was why it was quiet on the surface. Peaceful.</p><p>Easy for him to close his eyes, face tilted up towards the sun. He could soak it up, soak it in, because Acastus would take his time getting around to touching Rodney. Not so long that he could actually fall asleep, but long enough to feel warm and lazy, so he wasn't surprised when one oily hand smeared itself over his belly.</p><p>It made Rodney sigh, head tilting back. These were the days he enjoyed, wanted more of because it was just the two of them, and he didn't have to feel strange about the women or about the fact that he never saw anyone but them and Acastus, that no one ever actually wanted to discuss the things he sent them. Most days, he didn't think about that. Today, he decided, would be another day he didn't think about it.</p><p>It was just the two of them. It was just him and Acastus and quiet, enough to make him slit his eyes open to look up at the sky. "Mm. Okay, if you're taking your time with this, I think I can forgive you..."</p><p>"And if I don't take my time?" Acastus asked him and, oh. Oh, wow, that was just... yes, that was very much yes, those fingers sliding around his cock and down, down, in, and wow. Rodney liked that almost enough to stop thinking about how much he hated being in the wilderness and the sunshine.</p><p>"Uhn, I can really forgive that. Jesus..." He shifted, drew one leg up and invited it. He liked the way Acastus's fingers moved, like he owned Rodney, like Rodney wouldn't protest, which was true, but Rodney wasn't the kind of man to protest about something that had been a long-standing fantasy since that back-alley blowjob he'd gotten by one very mouthy angry Marine at Area 52. "Oh, god."</p><p>"Just like that," Acastus promised him, and those fingers curved, pressed in all of the right places, made Rodney gibber frantically because oh holy god above that felt good, just like that. Just like that, and when Acastus pulled them out and pushed his knees up, Rodney knew he really would forgive him anything.</p><p>Forgive him, but he was leaning up instead of towards Rodney or... no. No, wait, he wasn't standing up, and Rodney's breath caught in his throat because ghosts didn't come back to life with black face paint under their eyes or knives in their hands, and the gushing patter of blood-rain that spread across Rodney's body couldn't possibly be the result of a dead man's knife-hand. Couldn't be.</p><p>Couldn't.</p><p>"What, what the..." Fuck squeaked out between his lips, because the ghost didn't go away and his legs slipped down because Acastus's hands were limp and he was covered in blood and that was Acastus's neck. Cut, ragged, gushing, like a busted Halloween mask, cut beneath his beard, eyes too wide. "Fuck!"</p><p>Fuck, fuck, because dead man cock up his ass, blood everywhere, and John, John, JOHN! JOHN, and John was DEAD, and he wasn't reaching out, shoving Acastus off of him, letting him slide down into the water. The children swam there, they couldn't, couldn't leave Acastus in the water, because of the children, and he was...</p><p>"I don't give a fuck about Genii kids, Rodney. Get some pants on, we've gotta get out of here!"</p><p>He couldn't get up, couldn't move yet. Acastus shouldn't die like that, and he might drown but that throat injury, it, and John was dead... "You're dead," Rodney reiterated, staring at him, before he tried to scramble to grab onto Acastus. Get him out of the water. He needed to, to move him and maybe it was just blood. Scalp wounds bled a lot, in a non-serious way, so--</p><p>"Get moving, Rodney, Lorne's holding off the guards that Kolya had placed between here and there to give me time to get you out! The man's dead." Dead, and John, there were hands, hands on Rodney's arms, pulling him upright and, and, pants, yes, those were his pants, but Acastus....</p><p>Wasn't moving. Wasn't moving. Rodney could see the warped wound that the bullet to his shoulder had left, and he was face-down in the pool. The water was murky with strands of thick dark red, and Rodney couldn't help but think about the time that Acastus had come back from Manaria with a stab wound, time spent in the bath tending him, the way it would weep blood. He jerked, tried to pull away from the Ghost of John, because maybe, just maybe... "No, no, he's not dead, he can't, you can't just leave him there."</p><p>"Rodney." John. John's voice. John's voice. "I'd like to take the time to make this easy on you. I don't have it. If you don't pull on your pants so we can get moving, I'm going to knock you out and worry about the concussion later."</p><p>He turned on John, finally looking at him, finally seeing the splatter on his face and his face paint and the hardness in his eyes and he was alive and there and nothing made sense. John had, he'd just been relaxing and Acastus was, was--</p><p>"You slit his throat. You, you, you killed him! You slit his throat!"</p><p>The last thing Rodney saw coming was John's fist.</p><p>Funny, because he never really would have thought that a ghost had that much power behind a punch.</p>
<hr/><p>"So. Rodney's been missing for fourteen months, and he's turned up with the Genii," Elizabeth said, laying it out clearly and concisely for the moment.</p><p>The infirmary was quiet, only a handful of people lurking near the bed on which Rodney lay, carefully sedated by Carson on the trip back via puddle jumper. He'd been screaming and covered in blood, so Elizabeth could see why he'd need sedation. She was of the opinion she might have needed sedating, too, if she found herself in that position.</p><p>She just wasn't sure what part of the position had set him off. John had apparently punched him in the head to quiet him for the trip to the puddle jumper, but Elizabeth wasn't going to judge. John did what he had to do, and he'd been so restrained on off world missions since the Wraith, and the loss or Rodney, since the Daedalus had stopped coming.</p><p>So restrained, and he wouldn't have punched Rodney without a reason. It hadn't stopped Rodney from waking up on the puddle jumper, apparently. He was cleaner now, in an infirmary robe, hooked up to an IV and sleeping. </p><p>"Yes. That. Yes," Radek said with a nod, and a nervous glance to Colonel Sheppard. "According to Sora, it was something done by Commander Kolya without Genii council approval."</p><p>The way John shifted implied his disbelief without the need for him to say anything. Still, he opened his mouth and spoke firmly. "I can't believe that. You'd better believe that if I brought a, a, a sex slave to Atlantis, you'd all know about it!"</p><p>"To be honest, Colonel Sheppard, if you brought someone to Atlantis to have sex with, we're nosy enough that we would all know. Even if we do not want to know." That was true, but Elizabeth wasn't willing to buy that the Genii weren't a nosy people. They had spies on too many planets to so blatantly miss it. "Commander Sora implied that he was being bred. Their, uh, children boom?"</p><p>"I thought you were going to say that he was the reason for their sudden... stable power outputs and drop in radiation," Carson declared, gesticulating a little. "Not that he was havin' relations with half the population, although..." He shifted, gaze darting upwards for a moment. "They've had a couple wee ones die from allergic reactions. The croup or something like, and their mothers were dosing them with honey and some sort of fruit. It must have been citrus, I hadn't connected that it mighta been some kind of..."</p><p>"Genetic predisposition from the parent," Radek offered, glancing to Elizabeth. "From Rodney."</p><p>Carson nodded. "They were nigh on a couple months old when they died. It was somethin' of a surprise, because the flying bugs themselves are more like bees than anything else, except the stinger isn't barbed. I just... didn't think. And the Genii, they said they'd never had anyone die from the stings, but their genetic material, the radiation, it's all so...."</p><p>Breeding. Breeding Doctor McKay. Presumably because he was brilliant and he had the ATA gene, and it was almost a shame to realize that his obsession with his health wasn't all in his head. "Unexpected. I... I don't even know where to start, Carson. Do we know if he's coherent, or if there's been any brain damage?" She hated to ask it, hated to even think it, but there were only so many options as to why Rodney hadn't come back to Atlantis. He'd tricked Ford's men and he'd taken them on in a fight to come back to Atlantis.</p><p>Carson held out his hands, shaking his head. "I don't know a thing, if I'm to be honest with you. All of the scans I do are roughly the same, adjusted for aging and the conditions of the Genii Homeworld. The radiation levels were much better, so he hasn't gotten sick from it. At the same time, his bloodwork's a little better than it was when he left. His blood pressure's terribly high, but that could be from stress as much as anything else. Until he wakes, I'm afraid there's not a solid answer to be given."</p><p>John shifted from foot to foot. He was clean, at least, Elizabeth was thankful for that. He'd been wild-eyed and bloody when he'd originally arrived, and Carson had sent him to be washed down in decon because of all the blood. "Someone should stay with him, in case he wakes up."</p><p>"In case he wakes half the ward with his screaming, aye," Carson half-snapped at him. It made Elizabeth wince inside, because the last thing the city needed was the upper level officers arguing over Rodney's comatose body. "He'll not be alone, unless you're volunteering to stay."</p><p>"It might be good if he were to wake up to a friendly face," Radek agreed, and fell into frowning again for a moment. It made Elizabeth frown, too. "Colonel, what was he trying to do when you, uh, knocked his head?"</p><p>The way John went still implied things that she wasn't sure she wanted to hear, on so many levels. "Trying to pull Kolya's body out of the pool where he'd taken Rodney. Kolya was..." John moved again, slumping a little more where he stood. "Look. Rodney wasn't thinking clearly, and I couldn't get him out any other way. He just kept saying stuff about me being dead, and..."</p><p>And maybe Rodney had honestly thought that John was dead. John had spent weeks in the infirmary, his back a wreck, tingling down his legs, Ronon wounded but healing and Rodney missing. It wasn't a wonder that he thought that, perhaps, John was dead.</p><p>"There are signs that McKay had had recent sexual intercourse, and given that I cleaned blood off of all of him except for where he was wearing that jacket, I think it can be assumed that they weren't out there swimming," Carson clarified. Radek's face looked a little green, but he was nodding.</p><p>"That was the implication Commander Sora gave Major Lorne and I, yes. Where this leads us now, I do not know. If he wants his old job back, he can have it, I know that."</p><p>"I think it's a little too early to be thinking about things like that," Elizabeth told them, frowning. "Until we know what's happened to him, and how to treat everything..." Everything, because she could only imagine what an extended list of the psychological difficulties alone might look like. "...then I don't think we should make any sort of decisions as yet."</p><p>"Aye, I believe that'd be the right path to take," Carson agreed. "I'll call Dr. Heightmeyer and ask her to be prepared to come up once he wakes, shall I?"</p><p>Elizabeth nodded. "I think that'd be a good idea."</p><p>"Then perhaps we can have Sheppard stay with him. I'd rather not put him in restraints again unless I have to." Seizures and enzyme. It seemed like every time that Rodney was in the infirmary for something more serious than paranoia, he ended up in restraints. And for all they knew, he might try to go back to the Genii. Not that Elizabeth believed it, but it was a possibility. It was there.</p><p>The way John moved said that he wanted to stay, that he didn't want to stay. She'd learned to read those motions, and most of the time, she was right, even though what she saw was never very deep. "He, ah, might not appreciate my presence. All things considered. I mean, I did knock him out, and I kinda..." John cleared his throat. "I, ah, they were still.. you know. When I killed Kolya." Elizabeth could practically feel all eyes turning on him in disbelief. She didn't see it because she was pretty sure she was giving him the same look. "What?"</p><p>Radek shut his eyes, and started to shake his head, muttering in Czech. She only caught every other word, but they were fairly recognizable ones. Idiot, and fuck, and something about Schrödinger's Cat. "I will stay. And work. Rodney will not be bothered by me."</p><p>That made John slump even further, and Elizabeth was seriously starting to think he was going to just slither right down to the floor. "I think that's a good idea. John? Why don't you and I stroll down to have a short talk with Kate. Let her know what Rodney's going to be facing about that, at least." And possibly leave him alone with her, but she had no idea how that would work out.</p><p>She encouraged anyone who would listen to talk with Doctor Heightmeyer. Not enough people actually listened to her, but people did. Occasionally, when she wasn't looking. Rodney did sometimes, and Telya had. Carson had. Very few of the Marines -- from what Elizabeth knew, it was mostly the civilians who had to cope with that sudden state of Going to Die Going to Die! that the Pegasus galaxy had dropped on them all.</p><p>"Yes, ma'am." He turned to leave Beckett and Zelenka in the infirmary, standing beside Rodney's bed, but he gave Rodney one last look over his shoulder before he led the way outside, and for a moment, Elizabeth thought she saw more than she had ever seen on his face before.</p><p>It was, had to be, a trick of the light.</p><p>They made their way out of the infirmary and down the hall towards the transporter. Kate's offices were one floor down off of a small corridor with little traffic, which made it easier for people to visit her without being seen. It helped to keep patient confidentiality, which might not be as important as not being overtaken by Wraith, but it certainly helped everyone feel better.</p><p>Safer, as if their secret was safe because surely no one else in Atlantis needed help. It made her wonder what excuses people gave when they passed each other coming and going into her office. </p><p>Kavanaugh was coming down the hallway towards them.</p><p>Elizabeth had been surprised when he decided to stay in Atlantis the last time he came, especially after the... incident... with Ronan. Still, faced with Wraith on one hand and Goa’uld on the other, it wasn't as if there was much to think about.</p><p>He passed them by, and Elizabeth slowed down, taking a breath before John interrupted her.</p><p>"Look," he said finally, "I know. I mean, I know. You don't have to say anything. I'll talk to her."</p><p>Talk to her, but he probably wouldn't actually say anything.</p><p>Still. It was a start. Maybe he might accidentally say something, and Elizabeth didn't know. She could hold out hope, so she gave John a smile and a tilt of her head. "I think after what happened, it could help. There's no stigma, John. Just... a talk between professionals."</p><p>He raised those eyebrows at her, a sign that he was onto her, that he knew exactly what that meant. "Right," he agreed without a hint of sarcasm, completely straight-faced. He was lying to her face, of course, but that was John in a corner, she supposed. "No stigma. And, hey, it'll help out things with Rodney, right?"</p><p>"It might. The two of you were at least colleagues if not friends. And Rodney's going to need everyone who can help with whatever is going to happen after this." She pressed a hand on the doorjamb, not opening it yet. "So, let's go in there and tell Doctor Heightmeyer the truth."</p><p>"Yeah. The truth." The twist of John's mouth, the glance, just verified what she had seen in the infirmary.</p><p>Oh.</p><p>That explained a lot, actually. Explained the way he'd lain so still whenever she'd come back to tell him that they'd found nothing, no news, no sign, refused to believe that they wouldn't find Rodney. Explained the silent fury when they had stopped looking because they didn't know where to look anymore, when they had exhausted their leads. Explained the way he'd tried to coax her into looking just once more once he had stopped being angry. Explained the way he had quietly allowed Lorne's team to take over for SGA1 because Rodney wasn't there to be part of it.</p><p>Explained the way he'd finally started to come around again, really, and now... now there was this. Now Rodney was back, and John had been right, but he'd done all of his grieving, and now he probably didn't know where to go.</p><p>When a person had already grieved for someone, how did they... ungrieved? Elizabeth wasn't sure, so she opened the door, and stepped in before John, before she realized that it would look like she was escorting him there to speak with Kate. No, she needed him to tell Kate what he'd seen and they needed Kate to start working on a strategy. Some kind of plan or if she had any ideas.</p><p>Anything.</p><p>"John. Elizabeth." She seemed a little surprised to see them, so obviously the news hadn't made its way down to her. Elizabeth wondered how far it had gone. "What can I do for you?"</p><p>"Doctor Zelenka, Beckett, Colonel Sheppard and Major Lorne made a visit to a planet we have relations with, and they found Doctor McKay. We can assume that he's been with them since he went missing." Elizabeth folded her hands behind her back, and gave John a look that she hoped he'd interpret as a suggestion to explain what he'd seen.</p><p>"Oh. Oh," Kate said, and that response alone was somewhat surprising. "What were the conditions? Do we know or..."</p><p>"They told us they were breeding him, like some kind of prize stud," John grated, and perhaps he hadn't made it to the point of acceptance, after all. "There was a man having, uh, relations with him when I got there. I killed him, and brought Dr. McKay home."</p><p>Home.</p><p>Home. They all thought of Atlantis as home, but it was an interesting turn of phrase that Elizabeth tucked away. There were layers to it, in the way that loaded words like Home and Love and Life could have. Home as a house or a place or a people and a culture or sometimes just one person. It made her wonder what Rodney thought Home was, personal or political.</p><p>If he even though anymore. She wished her mind would stop veering that way, but she'd had two Marines come back to the city gibbering after scouting on a planet they didn't visit any longer. "Relations," Kate repeated quietly. "And you killed the man while he was having sex with Dr. McKay?"</p><p>She caught the flicker of John's tongue, a nervous motion, out of the corner of her eye. "Yes, ma'am," he drawled, almost as if he should be calm about it, as if there was no other way to be about it. "I wanted to get him off of McKay, and he was a hell of a soldier. If we had fought, it would have gotten dangerous."</p><p>It sounded good, considering the fact that John had killed the man in something more like a jealous rage, she was sure of it.</p><p>She'd been given a run-down by General O'Neill of things to watch out for. Hand to hand killings by soldiers who had guns implied a personal level of involvement. It was a sign of rogue soldiers, or men who were close, and it would have been a sure sign except so many of the people around them used hand to hand combat. But a knife. And she'd seen Rodney and John when they'd come off of the puddle jumper and Beckett had been yelling for a medical team. Someone had done a lot of bleeding, and she hoped it had been quick.</p><p>"Has McKay ever seen someone die like that before?"</p><p>"Not before he went missing." That was straight forward and true. Before, John would have used his gun.</p><p>Before, John wouldn't have let any of them get caught in the crossfire.</p><p>That was before.</p><p>Now, Elizabeth wasn't so sure. Teyla had sensed the shift in John since Rodney had died, but she seemed content to do off world missions when he was unavailable. She was there for the city and Ronon and her people as much as for John. But now she wasn't sure that something hadn't passed between them to make her acceptable to his... stopping.</p><p>"Do you know if Doctor McKay had had previous relations with the man he was with? Interactions, I mean."</p><p>The almost audible sound of both of them blinking was unmistakable. "I... couldn't say. I'd guess, since he was living there, and he was probably the one arranging to have someone come in to Rodney...."</p><p>"It's a good possibility," Elizabeth interrupted smoothly.</p><p>It was almost funny that Kate opened her mouth a little, stopped, and then started to talk again. That was the look of someone rethinking her tactics. "Abuse at the hands of one specific person can be very... overwhelming. And an effective source of control. But what I meant was, I know Doctor McKay had spent a great deal of time off-world. Had he met him off world or interacted with in in previous situations? If Dr. McKay had been, say, previously overpowered or threatened by him, then the dynamic would have already been set between them."</p><p>Oh. Oh. That would explain as well as anything the reason that Rodney wouldn't have tried to come home. Elizabeth moved towards the couch and sat down, leaving John by the door. "Kolya was the Genii commander who tried to take over Atlantis when the storm came. He tortured Rodney. Threatened to kill both of us, tried to take us hostage to their world, as well."</p><p>John gave a faint sound. "I shot him. We ran into him again later. He's, ah. He's been after McKay for a while, I guess you could say. Used him for a hostage that time, too."</p><p>"When a hostage believes that they have no recourse but to bear through the captivity, it isn't... unusual for someone to fall in love or support of the person who's keeping them hostage. It's something of a coping mechanism, but research on that differs. I believe that it gives the victim a sense of control of their situation, that cooperation not only betters their quality of life, but also gives them peace of mind. I can't say for sure that's what has occurred until I talk to Rodney myself, but..." She spread her hands a little, looking at both of them from the chair she was seated in. From where Elizabeth sat, she could see the rough-bound notepad that was filled with tiny tight handwriting. There was a frowny face punctuating whatever the last sentence was. "But if you work from that assumption, I don't believe you could make things worse. If he believed he loved the Genii commander as a way of making it easier to survive, Colonel Sheppard's killing of him would..."</p><p>John pulled in a deep breath, one that echoed between the three of them. "Oh," he said finally. "So. I'm guessing that wasn't exactly what you'd call a good move."</p><p>Kate was sympathetically quiet. "It might have been traumatic. But you uh... You did break the cycle that was reinforcing his behavior." It was just a shame that she was as bad a liar as Rodney was.</p><p>And he had probably broken Rodney, too, at a guess. There was no point in assigning blame of any sort, because John would torture himself over it enough without any kind of assistance. "Is there anything we should do for him when he first wakes up until you can come and talk with him?" she asked.</p><p>"Keep him comfortable and calm. Try bringing him familiar things, familiar faces. There are sometimes stories and excuses that can be woven tightly into people's minds -- that the loved ones they're being kept from don't care, or they're dead -- and they need solid evidence to push back the lies." Her mouth flattened for a moment. "And I think that's it. I'll try to be down there to at least observe, but Rodney probably won't respond to me for a while. He seems to see mental health care as a personal threat."</p><p>John didn't have to say that he agreed. It was written all over his face. "We'll get his things out of storage. It'll probably help to have clothes of his own, and, uh..." </p><p>"And I'm sure we can find things he'll be glad to see," Elizabeth finished smoothly. "Dr. Zelenka is taking the first shift of sitting with him, and I feel sure that there will be others who'll volunteer."</p><p>"Good. Every bit will help, I'm sure. I'll ask Beckett for the intake tapes if you'll allow it, and try to work out some regimen that might help speed his recovery along. As people come out of these situations, they often feel angry, cheated, sometimes destructive or suicidal. If Doctor McKay were to harbor some, say, delusion that he was doing the Genii a favor by killing us all and that it would bring back his abuser and the perceived safety of that situation, then we would all be in very bad trouble."</p><p>Oh. God. Rodney was on the warpath when he was normal. Elizabeth could only imagine what a post-traumatic Rodney would be like in this kind of situation. It made her shudder. "We'll be sure that we have a security detail assigned. Just in case."</p><p>"Just in case? McKay doesn't need a security detail, he needs...." Even John couldn't say for sure what he needed.</p><p>"Rodney knows everything about Atlantis, he knows his security codes and mine and he can probably guess yours and Radek's. I know this has probably never crossed your mind before, John, but he understands Ancient technology in a way I can't quite fathom. The way you can fly and lead in bad situations and get out again. What that means is that if McKay ever got tired of being a nice guy who sometimes annoyed you, we could all be sitting on the bottom of the ocean and there would be no way to stop him. If there's a control panel within reach, he could get out. It's..." Something she didn't want to admit having to thinking about but after Peterson... After Peterson had almost killed them all with the nanite virus with his maddened survival urges, and he wasn't quite as good or fast on his feet as Rodney.</p><p>"I think that it's necessary. You can assign the men or I can have Bates do it."</p><p>Bates would, too, and that was perhaps the worst part of it: seeing John's eyes tighten grimly, seeing him shift forward, and knowing that this time, Bates wouldn't be unlocking any doors. He'd long since learned that following orders was all well and good, but sometimes a man had to take other things into consideration. The imminent death of everyone in Atlantis seemed like a fair thing to consider, Elizabeth thought.</p><p>"Fine." John leaned back, going loose again as if it didn't matter. "I'll have Bates put a team on Rodney's quarters. Zelenka can go in and remove everything, lock down the stuff he might be able to get into the database with. Hey, I know. We'll remove all sharp objects, too, and maybe we should just look for a round white room while we're at it. That sounds like a great way to welcome a guy home, don't you think?"</p><p>"John, that's not what I mean." She couldn't help but snap that, looking to Doctor Heightmeyer for support. "We just have to be careful. We've had things go wrong before, and unless someone can assure me that Doctor McKay won't just end up left on his own, I can't take that chance."</p><p>"I just don't see how putting a guard on him is going to make anything better." They were all tired. They needed to rest, and that would help. Should help. John had showered, but he hadn't rested, and he wasn't in anything resembling good shape from a mental health standpoint.</p><p>"Until he's worked out reality from the reality that his captor created for him, it would be good to have him around people. We can't just... turn him loose when Doctor Beckett deems him physically healthy," Kate spoke up. "He doesn't have the grounding he had before."</p><p>"I just don't think a military guard is going to help him any. That's all I'm saying. We could... we could arrange for him to stay with somebody," John suggested. "I'm sure one of us is willing to make a shift, get some kind of, some kind of larger quarters so that we're not causing further problems."</p><p>It made sense to Elizabeth, but so did what Kate had suggested. And now she was shaking her head. "And whoever stays with him would be putting themselves in a position for Doctor McKay to transfer the emotions of his previous situation on. If you volunteered for it, Colonel Sheppard, you would essentially be replacing the Genii commander."</p><p>"Well, except for the part where, I don't know, I'm not planning on sexually molesting him?" John was moving, standing up to pace. "And it's not like it's gotta be me, it could be Beckett or Zelenka or you or..."</p><p>"Or Ronon or Teyla. If he saw many people throughout the day, in a way that wouldn't interfere with getting actual work done..." Kate cleared her throat a little and gave Elizabeth a meaningful look. "Or some supervised work. I cannot stress enough the need for him to be supervised for a time, but if he sees enough familiar faces, it might prevent any imprinting."</p><p>"I approve of that idea. Colonel Sheppard...?"</p><p>"Dr. Weir." Elizabeth nearly rolled her eyes. John always sounded that way when he had gotten what he wanted.</p><p>"Why don't you search out larger quarters, since you're so kindly volunteering your time and efforts for Dr. McKay's recovery." That would give her time to talk to Kate, figure out what the best decisions would be for all of them.</p><p>"Yes, ma'am." John's pacing was stilled, the fact that he'd have something to do helping with his nervous energy, at least. "If you ladies will excuse me."</p><p>Kate gave a friendly sort of smile, and then shook her head once John had left, once the doors had opened and closed behind him. "He's going to be in over his head."</p><p>"Got any advice for keeping him from drowning?" Elizabeth asked, taking a deep breath. "We're all going to be in pretty deep here. I mean, it's Rodney." On an ordinary day, Rodney was pretty neurotic. After spending fourteen months with the Genii in the presence of a single captor who used him as some sort of sperm donor, Elizabeth could only imagine the kinds of problems they'd be facing.</p><p>"To keep all of us from drowning? Patience. Patience and trying to accustom him to his old life. If his old friends were still willing to do... whatever they did before with him, it would help." That was assuming that Rodney actually had friends, other than the handful of them. and what did he do with any of them except work? And whatever he did with Carson. Elizabeth had always thought it probably had something to do with his overactive hypochondria, but if there were Genii children dying of citrus allergies, then maybe it wasn't so much.</p><p>"I wonder if anyone has a copy of Bejeweled," Elizabeth suggested with a wry smile. "We'll come up with something. I'm sure Radek will have better ideas than most of us, all things considered." He usually did. "Any ideas that you have, please just let me know.</p><p>"I will. I'll be down to observe him when I can, and I hope you'll insist that he meet with me when he's able to." Assuming of course that they weren't all getting ahead of themselves and that Rodney was still functioning.</p><p>Elizabeth would cross that bridge when she got there.</p>
<hr/><p>Dozing in hospital chairs should never be so easy. The fact that Radek had become completely accustomed to doing so, it was a bad sign, in his opinion. Of course, there had been dozens of bad signs in his life, if he thought about things that way. The earliest trip he'd made to remain by a hospital bedside had been at six, when his father had died. The last before he came to Pegasus was the at the last of lingering illness of his son, and that was something he had no particular urge to spend time thinking about.</p><p>Dozing in hospital chairs, even the very nice ones they had in Pegasus, was not a comfortable thing. His legs were restless and the tops of his thighs itched as if to tell him he needed to move move move, and do something.</p><p>Unfortunately, there was nothing to do but wait for the sedation to wear off. Doctor Beckett had shooed him out for a few minutes, doing tests or something. Medical things. Rodney was apparently healthier than he had been in a while, and that was funny. Lower cholesterol, steadier heart rate, steadier blood sugar. It was good to know that there were at least some things for which they should be grateful.</p><p>There were also no immediately visible sexually transmitted diseases. That was an even better thing, to Radek's way of thinking. The fact that it had even been a possibility made Radek uncomfortable. Those were always the least pleasant ways in which to die.</p><p>Things rotting off and madness and the body turning against itself. The Genii were perhaps blessedly free of sexually transmitted diseases. Or else it was something insidious that would make Rodney's eyes fall out of his head when everything seemed to have settled down.</p><p>One or the other. And in Pegasus, Radek was unwilling to discount either equally strange option.</p><p>Mumbling caught his attention, the sound of Rodney's voice soft, quiet, most unlike McKay, if he was honest about it. Rodney had never been the sort of man to keep quiet about anything at all, no matter what it was.</p><p>"Rodney?" he asked tentatively, moving closer.</p><p>His head jerked, lolling to one side for a long moment before it turned again. It was hard to decipher the mumbling, and Radek didn't want to get too close, didn't want to startle him. </p><p>And it did not seem like he was going to have to, because Rodney was staring at him now.</p><p>"I am glad to see you awake now," he greeted, shifting a little in his seat. "You have been resting for quite some time now. We were afraid... afraid we had lost you."</p><p>"You're supposed to be dead." That was not a pleasant thing to be told, but Rodney was looking at him with unhappy, conflicted eyes, mouth pulled down as if he'd just been hit.</p><p>"So are you," Radek answered agreeably enough, raising one hand to wave it about. "We have looked for you, up and down, left and right. I spent months descrambling the possible locations for every dial out of the DHD on the world to which you gated when you were rescued from the Hive ship. Problem is, these lead to other DHD, which lead to yet more, and soon, there are infinite possibilities."</p><p>"I tried to dial back here. It didn't work. The gate didn't work. This... this shouldn't exist." Rodney was still staring at him, a little wild-eyed, but he was talking and not swinging fists, which was important. He was calm and talking, or at calm as Radek had ever remembered Rodney being.</p><p>Calm had never particularly been Rodney's forte.</p><p>"The gate didn't work?" Radek frowned. "But we have been here all this time. Are you sure that the gate you used, that it was working?" Or if it had been the Genii gate, then someone had obviously tampered with it.</p><p>"Yes! It was working, I could dial other planets! And then I tried to dial back here and it didn't work, and Acastus had said he'd tried to dial here, and..." And Rodney sat up a little more, eyes darting as he took in the room. "And this is all a hallucination."</p><p>"No," Radek said slowly. "It is not a hallucination. We have been... The Hive ships did not make it to Earth. We have no knowledge of any of them going to Earth, but the Daedalus has not made any further trips, and we have received no data bursts from Earth in quite some time." Radek reached out tentatively. "I suspect that perhaps the gate may have been tampered with so that it would not dial Atlantis, Rodney. Perhaps they did not want you to know that we are still here."</p><p>Rodney jerked back before he could touch him. "No, I think you're a hallucination. I tried the gate. I tried the gate and it connected like the address existed but couldn't be reached. I tried the gate, Zelenka. And I saw John die. So none of this can be real."</p><p>"All right." Arguing with him couldn't be good, Zelenka figured. "All right. We are not real. We are figments of your imagination until I can prove otherwise, yes?" Radek nodded. "So, logically, what would I have to do to prove it to you?"</p><p>Rodney started to open his mouth, and then closed it. "I've had this discussion with a hallucination before. She eventually admitted she was a figment of my imagination, but I don't think you're going to. And since you're..." He waved one hand a little, and his eyes shot to the IV line at the back of his hand. "That's interesting."</p><p>"Hallucination?" Radek blinked. He recalled no such thing, nothing that Rodney had ever said to him, and so he had no idea how to refute the matter as a whole. "Well. I have never been a hallucination before that I can recall, so perhaps I would not admit such a thing, were I to become one. However, legitimately, the fact that I have had to do your job for the last fourteen months, and it has been, oh, completely horrible, this does not say hallucination to me. This says suffering."</p><p>Rodney pulled at his hand again, and then wiggled the needle right out of the back of his hand, staring. "I hallucinated Sam Carter tried to seduce me so I didn't have a stupid idea -- well, I had the stupid idea, but I. It's not like I've hallucinated Colonel Sheppard before, and on the other hand I think I did this morning. So either this is all a hallucination, or..." And he was still staring at the hole in the back of his hand, bleeding now. "See, it didn't hurt when Sam slapped me."</p><p>"Hm," Radek said thoughtfully. "This is permission to do so, then? To see if it will hurt? Yes, yes," and he could at least pretend to be happy about the thought when really all he wanted to do was reach out, touch Rodney, make him real again. "I could do this, slap you, if you like."</p><p>"No, no, I'm... I'm actually bleeding. Why am I hooked up to an IV?" Rodney twisted again, still looking around. Maybe Radek wouldn't have to slap him after all. That was good. He hadn't been sure he could do it.</p><p>"Dr. Beckett wanted to be sure you had plenty of hydration. You were a bit distraught in the jumper, so he sedated you," Radek admitted. "You were dangerously close to actually hurting someone. Major Lorne is still limping."</p><p>"Beckett. What did I do to Lorne?" It was very Rodney or him to sound excited at the prospect, and a little scared of retribution, too. "Is John -- is Colonel Sheppard actually alive, or uh.." He waved the needle in the air a little. That was probably a biohazard or at least a waste of saline.</p><p>Someone probably ought to poke it back in.</p><p>"I am given to understand that Major Lorne will recover. You did not entirely destroy his testicles," Radek assured him. "Colonel Sheppard is indeed alive, Rodney. It was... It was difficult, and he nearly died. It... we have made many changes since you have been gone."</p><p>He closed his eyes, and just held on to the needle. It didn't seem like Rodney to Radek, but he was talking and moving and awake. "Tell me. Tell me everything."</p><p>"I think perhaps it would be better if I did not. Too much stress, and you, you are not exactly well, McKay. Rodney." Radek cleared his throat. "You have been held captive by Kolya, and you are likely not thinking clearly, and..."</p><p>"You don't need to tell me what I've been doing for the last year and whatever. I know. I, I thought you'd all gone back to Earth, sunk Atlantis. It was better than the other option, that you were all dead and the city was destroyed. So I worked with the Genii. I tried to, tried to make their technology compatible with their needs, and I was, I thought I was alone." Radek started to lean forwards a little, trying to pull the needle out of Rodney's fingers before he hurt himself. Rodney's fingers shifted, though, as if he didn't want Radek to touch him, take the needle away from him.</p><p>"You are not alone," Radek assured him gently, reaching to take the needle again. Rodney allowed it that time, though he was infinitely careful about how much of his hand Radek actually touched. "We are here, and so... Rodney, we are so glad that we have found you. I, we, Colonel Sheppard... And Elizabeth, she has been very worried..."</p><p>"I was on the Genii planet the whole time. I, I was, I wrote up theory and explanations and suggestions, and they used it all. I know they did, we..." Rodney opened his eyes and seemed a little surprised to still see that he was still sitting there. A laugh bubbled out of Rodney's throat. "I always wondered why they never asked me about it."</p><p>"Sora said that no one knew. That they did not know you were there, only a bare handful of people, and that the, ah, that they... brought women sometimes. To you. That they knew, but perhaps, probably, did not know who you were." Yes, and that crooked, pained expression, Radek had never wanted to see that again. The disaster of Doranda did not compare to that look.</p><p>Rodney's face was slack, and desperately sad. His mouth was open, and he blinked before he lifted a hand to rub at his eyes with the back of -- oh, oh, Carson was going to hurt him for letting Rodney do that, for letting him smear blood on his face. "He told me he brought them home because he liked to watch. That was, that was it. He said..."</p><p>"Shh, McKay. Shh. It will, we will.. It will be all right. It will.. Here, allow me to..." Rodney wasn't going to let him, Radek could tell, but still. Still, he reached for the cloth, dampened it, stepped nearer. "We have been... There has been much mourning for you. Colonel Sheppard...."</p><p>"I thought he was dead. I saw the crash. I, I buried him in here, and then he, he..." Rodney let him, though. Let Radek wipe his face off, let Radek lean in that close. "He cut Acastus's throat. He cut his throat."</p><p>"Rodney..." There were no words. Nothing Radek could think of to say, to make it better, or right. It was... the man had been keeping him hostage, using him for the reproductive expansion of their race. Comforting Rodney over his death, it seemed very wrong. There was nothing else Radek could do, and he knew it. "I am very sorry that you saw that," he finally decided on, sitting back slowly. "Very sorry."</p><p>"That's a, that wasn't how he was supposed to die. That wasn't, he wasn't. He was... we took care of each other. If I could have fixed it, I..." That was another thought Radek never wanted to have, but Rodney looked desperately sad and wide-eyed, gesticulating. "Can't fix a cut throat. He's dead."</p><p>"Yes, Rodney. I am sorry." Not sorry that he was dead, but sorry for Rodney, and that was the important part. "There were guards in the forest. It was kill them, or kill him. One for many, or so I am assured."</p><p>"He could have, have wounded him, or..." Rodney shook his head, and batted Radek's hand down. He went still, possibly from the sight of blood. It was probably past time to get up and get Carson. "He kept me alive. I tried to, to -- he wouldn't let me."</p><p>Colonel Sheppard, Radek assumed, but it was better not to comment on it. It was better to let go and nod. "Let me get Carson. He will look you over, and perhaps you should have a shower..." A long hot shower, just the ones McKay had crooned over when they had finally managed to have separate baths thanks to the ZPM that had come from the Daedelus. "That will be enjoyable, yes?"</p><p>"Shower." He repeated it like it was a foreign word, and then he started with that broken laughing again, quiet and strained. "Shower. Either I'm dead and in hell or I really am back on Atlantis. Oh, god..."</p><p>"Rodney...." Yes. It was time to call Carson, because surely there was something he could give to calm Rodney without sedating him entirely, surely, and that was a necessity, Radek thought. He reached out, fumbled for the small button on the side of the bed, and managed to hit it. "You are home. This is home, I promise you." He wanted to say biting things, teasing things, friendly things, the way it always had been before, and he couldn't.</p><p>"You left me there and I thought it was home, and now I don't even have that! I want a bath and I, I..." Rodney clutched his fingers over the back of his hand, and his mouth was shaking. No, Radek didn't want to watch Rodney cry, but he knew that look, twisted and desperate and sad. He had seen it on his mother's face, so many years ago, on his ex-wife's when Erich had died, and seeing it on Rodney's...</p><p>He reached out, and Rodney allowed the touch that time, allowed Radek to sit on the side of the bed and pull him up, pull him close. "Shhh. Shhh, we did not know. We did not know. Rodney, we are so...." So sorry. So sorry, because this, he had never expected to see a thing like this, to see Rodney McKay shuddering and shattered, gasping for breath and tearless.</p><p>He wasn't crying, but it was every other symptom of the action, shaking and choking, holding onto him less than Radek was holding Rodney. "He slit his throat! He was, it was a good day, and we'd been at the outpost and--" And they were words but they meant nothing to Radek, choked up and stopped now and then by gasps and wet sounds. It slowed, staggered, words about a picnic and swimming, and fish, and he wanted a bath and his jacket, could he have the jacket?</p><p>"Here, let me..."</p><p>Carson.</p><p>Finally. Thank God.</p><p>"There. There, now, Rodney, I've got to get at the IV port, just let me get a little... There we go. You'll be feeling better in no time now," Carson promised soothingly, gesturing at Radek to keep doing just what he was doing.</p><p>As if he planned to stop.</p><p>"See? Here is Carson, and Carson will know just what to do. Carson is going to go and find the jacket for you, aren't you, Carson?" Blood-covered and dripping, god alone knew where it had gone, but they could find it.</p><p>"The jacket? Oh, oh, the jacket, yes, the jacket, of course." It was a short babble of agreement. </p><p>"My scanner, it's in the house, there's artifacts..." And they were not going back to the Genii Homeworld again. If they were, Radek was not going without the prerequisite platoon of Marines around him. It was easier to stroke Rodney's shoulder, holding him, hoping that whatever was in the IV would take over again.</p><p>"Do not worry about the artifacts," Radek murmured. "We will, we will make arrangements. Get them back for you." They could send Major Lorne or something, anything, but none of them would be going back. None.</p><p>They understood what was going on, now. What had happened to Rodney, just a little bit more. Rodney's head jerked against Radek's chest, and he sagged a little. "They were gifts. They..." Rodney sucked in a deep breath, and shuddered on the exhalation. "I'm so tired."</p><p>"I know." And he did. He did know, remembered how exhausting it was when someone he loved died, and the fact that Kolya had been keeping Rodney captive, using him, abusing him, it changed nothing about the way Rodney felt. Those things didn't lessen the suffering. "I know. Just... do what you are doing. Breathe deeply. Would you like to lie back? Carson is just fetching the jacket for you."</p><p>"Yes." Yes possibly to the jacket, but Radek was willing to lean Rodney back on the infirmary bed, helping him slide down to lie out. That was better, calmer, yes, even if Rodney was reluctant to let go of him, reluctant to let his arms lie at his sides. Carson would hopefully be back soon. The jacket had been smeared with blood when Rodney had been brought back, and it was probably still so, but if it could be any comfort...</p><p>"Here we are." It was clean, and that was something, not coated in clots and smears of blood. There had been the time to do that, although it surprised Radek that anyone had. "There was an object in the pocket, as well, and I've got it on my desk, Rodney, safe and sound," Carson informed him soothingly. "Now, why don't you let me check on you, aye?"</p><p>"Okay." He reached for the jacket first, exchanging Radek for it, fingers knotting around the fabric. It let Radek move back, let him make room for Carson to do his work. Rodney still looked like he was going to cry, but the choking sounds, the noises were less now.</p><p>"I'll go and, ah, fetch the device, shall I?" Radek suggested, shifting a little uncomfortably. Perhaps it was better if Carson was the one asking and answering questions, checking on Rodney. He already knew most of the shadows of McKay's life, having survived the enzyme withdrawal two years previous. Sometimes, it was better not to know everything about one's friends.</p><p>"It's soothing. Only works for the gene." And not Radek, of course. Of course, but Radek could look for it in the database where Rodney was not able to. And it would be more than he could do there, for the moment.</p><p>Moderately relieved, he made a run for it. In that moment, it was probably the best thing he could do, for all of their sakes.</p>
<hr/><p>Rodney hated drugs. Hated them. They all made him sleepy, and that made him cranky. The fact that they were generally administered to him when he was in the middle of an allergic reaction or a fit of hypoglycemia didn't make him enjoy it any more.</p><p>He was tired of clawing his way out of drugs, and he was pretty sure that not everyone was so frequently and heavily sedated. John could turn into a ranting raving dangerous insect creature, and no one got near him with a needle or an IV port.</p><p>John. John who was alive. John who hadn't died. He was pretty sure he was still sedated because the thought felt fuzzy, thick. John was alive. Not that he'd seen him except when there was dark smeared under his eyes and blood on his face.</p><p>John.</p><p>John.</p><p>Rodney couldn't even tear his eyelids open, couldn't bring himself awake enough to feel much of anything. He had Acastus's jacket, the heavy not-quite-wool rubbing against his fingers, and somewhere, he had the first gift Acastus had ever given him. That wasn't enough, not really, but it would do. It would have to do, because what else did he have?</p><p>Nothing. A year of his life, and memories. Acastus had... lied to him, but it didn't change the kindness. It didn't change the time they'd spent together, it didn't change anything. It had been real, more real than most of the empty, fucked up relationships he'd had in his life.</p><p>It was more real than going home to a cat every night. More real than the yearning he'd felt for Sheppard, really, because what was ever going to come of that? Nothing. A great lot of nothing, and for that matter, and Acastus... Acastus had been something.</p><p>"Rodney?"</p><p>Ignoring the question seemed like a good idea. He didn't want to talk, didn't want to answer.</p><p>But that voice. That voice crept into his mind and made his chest ache. Rodney squeezed his eyes closed, and clutched at the jacket. It smelled like the soap the Athosians used to clean, the tinge of the deep earthy scent he was familiar with, now. But the jacket didn't smell lived in anymore. It didn't smell like Acastus had trained before putting it on, like they hadn't climbed rocks and dodged trees on the way there.</p><p>"Go."</p><p>"Rodney, c'mon. Open your eyes. You can only pretend I'm not here so long."</p><p>He wasn't going to give any kind of response. He wasn't. He was going to keep pretending that John was dead, and that Sheppard wasn't sitting next to him in the med bay with Acastus's blood on his hands like some kind of, of, Pegasus version of Lady MacBeth.</p><p>"Go away. I'm trying to sleep." He shifted the jacket, pulled it up against his face, and kept his eyes shut. John had even taken that. Acastus had lied to him, tricked him, but after that, except for -- well, after that, things had been better. Enjoyable. Quiet. He did his work and there was no undue pressure to save the world, save the day, do what he was told no matter how impossible the request was.</p><p>"You're not sleeping. Carson stopped giving you anything with a sedative effect yesterday afternoon. C'mon, just.. talk to me, buddy." Why did he have to sound so, so... Rodney wasn't sure. Just so much like himself, he supposed, which was remarkably horrible, in its way. He'd imagined this sort of conversation repeatedly at some point, he was sure, probably during that week that he had wallowed in his own filth and illness and depression, and really, living through that twice in a lifetime hardly seemed fair, now did it?</p><p>He'd done it once. He'd pretended and hoped and wished and thought and overthought until he'd pushed himself over the edge, and only Acastus had pulled him back, dragged him up. Kept him alive. If he'd just let Rodney die, Acastus would still be alive even if Rodney wouldn't have any of his memories. At least he wouldn't have that sense of deja vu courtesy of his overactive imagination.</p><p>"You cut his throat."</p><p>Plain and simple fact. They'd been having sex in the shade and then there had been blood everywhere, blood that belonged to his lover (never mind the whisper of other words in the back of his head, they didn't belong), blood that shouldn't have been shed over him, not the way Sheppard had.</p><p>"He was forcing you, Rodney! What the hell did you expect me to do?"</p><p>Yes, yes, this was better. This wasn't so bad, this was much less of the humoring of him that the others had been doing. This was strangely bearable.</p><p>"I asked him to!" His eyes snapped open and Rodney hadn't meant for them to do that, but he needed to see who he was snarling at and... and it was really John. A year older, but still the same John, same hair, eyebrows, same shape to his mouth and set of his eyes.</p><p>Same completely maddening twist to his lips when he heard something he didn't want to hear.</p><p>"I don't believe that. And even if you did, it's not like you could possibly be in your right mind, Rodney, I mean, you've been... they were holding you hostage, and..." And, and, and, Rodney didn't want to hear it, didn't want to think about it, didn't even agree, except he didn't have much choice in the matter, precisely.</p><p>He couldn't run Sheppard out of the room. Couldn't make him leave. "I didn't know I was being held hostage. I thought you were dead, and all I had left was life with the Genii. It, it wasn't a hard decision, and I was not out of my mind!"</p><p>Not, not, not. He wasn't crazy, he wasn't even a little crazy, except for the part where Sheppard had, oh, he didn't know, slit Acastus's throat while they were having sex, so Sheppard was damn lucky he wasn't crazy, really, because, wow. Wow, that was the ultimate in Things Gone Wrong, wasn't it?</p><p>"Jesus. Rodney. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to suggest..." Well, yes, yes, he had, and Rodney knew it. He knew. "Just... We've been.. You were... We thought you weren't ever coming back. I told him the last time...."</p><p>Oh.</p><p>The last time. Dagan, with their ZPM, and he'd warned Acastus and he hadn't listened. John had warned him, and that, that hung in Rodney's memory suddenly, holding onto the ZPM, eyes aching from the flashbang, and John telling Acastus that the next time he interfered with them, he'd be dead.</p><p>Of all the times for John to keep his word.</p><p>"So you slit his throat."</p><p>"He was... I thought he was forcing you." The way he said it was rough, angry, and Rodney couldn't bring himself to look at him, eyes glancing away almost immediately. "Come on, Rodney! Even if you agreed, he kept you from us. He let you think we were dead!"</p><p>Made Rodney think they were dead. For all he knew it was some bizarre mistake with the gate not working right or -- it was ten thousand year old equipment. At the youngest. And things went wrong with equipment that old, except they, John, had been able to get there. So, so Acastus had lied.</p><p>A lot.</p><p>And what was he supposed to say to John? 'Well, damn, you're right. Sorry I'm angry at you.' He closed his eyes instead.</p><p>"Rodney..." For a moment, he thought he was imagining it, that touch on his wrist. He'd grown accustomed to being touched, accustomed to having someone interested in touching him. All of that was going to change again, and that hurt as much as anything else, he supposed, because people never touched him on Atlantis, especially not the people he wanted to touch him. "I'm...."</p><p>Brief and fleeting and when Rodney opened his eyes, John wasn't touching him at all. "Don't say it. Don't say it. You're sorry. Zelenka's sorry. Carson's sorry. Elizabeth is sorry. I've had it."</p><p>"Well, then I won't say it," John returned. "I'm not sorry I killed him. I'm not ever going to be sorry."</p><p>He didn't want to hear that, either. He didn't want to hear that, see those words on John's mouth, but he meant it. At least, hey, if he was going to kill someone show some resolve, right? And it made logical sense to Rodney, more than the thick flare of hatred that burned in his chest as he stared at John. "Good, good. Great for you. You've got your workhorse back in the city again. Got any unimaginably broken technology for me to fix under an insane deadline?"</p><p>That's all he was. All he was to Sheppard, all he was to Atlantis. Just the man who could pull miracles out of his ass on a regular basis, and be damned to the way it affected him, who cared if he coasted on uppers for a week or broke under the strain. Nobody cared, none of them, and Acastus.. Acastus had understood. He hadn't pushed Rodney, hadn't ever laid a deadline across his shoulders or wanted him to be Superman, or sneered when he complained, or did worse when he finally failed.</p><p>The dead hot glare he gave Sheppard should have made him back away from the bed, but Sheppard wasn't the kind of man who laid back and let those things go.</p><p>"No. Actually. What I've got for you is a new set of quarters, bigger ones, ones you're going to be sharing with me and Teyla and Zelenka."</p><p>That was a phrase that he would have bet he'd never hear. Or he would have bet against it if anyone had asked him when he'd lived in Atlantis before. It shocked him a little, startled him with the bizarrity of the statement. "While I was gone, did Atlantis turn into a hippy colony?"</p><p>"Not last I checked, no. On the other hand, it was us or you staying here and seeing Heightmeyer until she got ready to let you go. I figured, given an option, you'd prefer staying with us. Did I get that wrong?"</p><p>Stupid wiggling eyebrows.</p><p>"No. All three of you?" He wasn't even sure how that worked. He was used to one person. One person at a time always, except for those few things Acastus had asked of him, and that had bothered him. Rodney wasn't sure he'd know what to do with more than one person at a time to interact with anymore.</p><p>Sharing quarters with him.</p><p>"All three of us," Sheppard said, and the fact that he had used this to distract Rodney from what he had done, it should make him angrier. It should. He was just so tired, and so scattered, as if his brain was working against him instead of for him. "We've got everything ready for when Carson says you can be let go," he added.</p><p>"All three of you at once?" he caught himself reiterating. Caught but couldn't stop the words, because that seemed like such a bizarre arrangement and he needed time to think and work out what had happened and what hadn't happened and Rodney couldn't just be himself again. It wasn't going to work, like nothing had happened while he was gone.</p><p>Sheppard just shrugged, though, and didn't offer any kind of explanation. Acastus at least told him the why of things, told him he liked to watch, told him he was going off planet so Rodney wouldn't worry, told him... well, not everything, but he never offered those stupid, elegant shrugs. "All three of us. We thought it'd be easier for you if you didn't have to deal with just one person all the time."</p><p>Okay, so that was an explanation, but it still just sucked because Rodney didn't want an explanation, he wanted to go home, and his brain and breath both hiccoughed simultaneously as he realized that didn't mean Atlantis anymore.</p><p>It didn't mean Atlantis anymore, because he was there at the home he'd yearned for for so damn long, wished for and missed, and now that he was there he didn't want to be there. He wanted to be underground and in the quiet of Kolya House, sitting in the study or his workshop or crawling into bed and sleeping. With Acastus. Acastus who'd probably been taken out of the pool. The Genii buried their dead, so he was probably back underground where he'd lived his life, but in a different way. An irreversible way. </p><p>He sucked in a breath to try to stopper the emotions, and shifted, hugging the jacket a little tighter. "Oh, sure. Because I've always been mister popularity and mister comfortable with having people in my personal space. Sure. How could I forget that?"</p><p>"Look, McKay, we're not trying to make you uncomfortable, we're just..."</p><p>Blah, blah, blah, and Rodney wasn't going to listen to it because, really, all it amounted to was one more justification of Why It Was Okay To Kill Acastus and leave Rodney blood-drenched and miserable, and in all honesty, Rodney just couldn't face it. Couldn't listen to it. It was easier to close his eyes and fake sleep, or resting or... anything.</p><p>He didn't listen. John's voice was going up and down, talking and then questioning, and Rodney thought loud things to quiet him out, concentrated hard to make him stop, and eventually, he left. Either he thought Rodney was asleep or... or Rodney didn't care what he thought. </p><p>When he opened his eyes again, no one was standing beside the bed.</p>
<hr/><p>"I still believe you should have let me be the one to tell him," Radek insisted stridently, his fingers fumbling over a small device as John watched him. Zelenka was nice enough, and John would probably say so if anybody bothered to ask. They didn't, though, and that was just as well, because Radek actually made him a little edgy, if he was honest about it.</p><p>"Look, he was awake when I went in, and I told him. He was so busy being pissed that I killed Kolya that I'm not sure it even registered."</p><p>He reminded John just a little too much of a mad scientist, and having that to come home to every day was something he wasn't sure he could handle. Well, he was going to have to handle it. And Teyla. And now that he thought about it, living four to a room, even if it was a really big room, didn't seem like such a good idea after all.</p><p>John was pretty sure that Zelenka never slept, first of all. </p><p>"Regardless of who delivered the message, or whether he has fully grasped the situation, I think we should concentrate on how we are all going to help Doctor McKay. In my culture, it is not uncommon for a situation like this to arise."</p><p>Radek nodded. "There is even a name for it on Earth. Your people, in what way do they deal with such matters?"</p><p>Probably not by sticking them in the nearest loony bin, John figured, and it wasn't like they were going to do that to McKay, but still.</p><p>"We give them a new family. It is not dissimilar to this plan. When Halling's wife died, he lived with many friends until he was able to stand on his own again." Stand on his own in a euphemistic way, John guessed, because the big tall guy didn't seem like the kind of guy who'd nursed a spinal injury.</p><p>The scientist was already shaking his head, though. "This, this is not quite the same. Death of one's captor while suffering from Stockholm Syndrome? It is... Huge, massive, horrible blow to psyche. And then, we are not dead, we are here, and we didn't go and fetch him. Rationally, he knows why not, of course he does, but this..."</p><p>"Has absolutely nothing to do with ration." John sighed. "Well. He doesn't like it, but he's just gonna have to live with it because it's us or staying alone with a guard posted. I can't see where that'd help any."</p><p>"It would not," Teyla insisted. "We have also had situations like Rodney's. Children kidnapped, sometimes. Some solitary peoples have done such a thing, and when we find them... We take care of them the same way I have already described to you. It is simply what we do for each other."</p><p>That sounded nice and all, but it didn't sound like what they needed, not to John. "They ever really pissed off about it?" he asked, leaning back in his chair slowly, the front feet up off the ground. "Because I can tell you, McKay's pretty angry."</p><p>Radek snorted. "Because he thought he was making love with someone, and then you cut other man's throat. We know it was all sham, but Rodney does not yet see ration. Logic. You were his favorite person on this mission, you know that?" Radek asked, folding his arms over his chest. </p><p> "The children we find are usually... in a similar state. It is easier to believe that someone loves you than it is to believe that someone would harm you for such a long period of time. They often wish to return to where they were because change can be painful."</p><p>John got that. He really did. The whole thing made his head ache, though, because yeah, he'd fucked up, but he'd fucked up because.... The why didn't matter. Not really. Not in the long run. "Okay. Well. The damage is done so now the best I can do... we can do," he stressed, "is try to fix it. So maybe we should go check out the new quarters, make sure the people Elizabeth has shifted to live around us are going to work out, and make sure everything's in there like Rodney would want."</p><p>"I think he should have a room in the most centralized location," Teyla said as she pushed her chair back and stood up. "Since the purpose of this is to both keep a watch on him and allow him to be around people. And we will need to come to an agreement as to when he is with whom. Ronon would also be willing to watch over him."</p><p>Ronon was a pretty good guy. Everybody on Atlantis was, mostly, except for him, obviously. "Yeah. Well, let's go pick out the ones we want for us and Rodney, and then we can mark 'em off and let everybody who's going with us have free reign." That mostly meant the people still on Atlantis from the first expedition, because Rodney was likely to be more comfortable with them.</p><p>He'd always been pretty loud about the fact that he thought most of the new hires were even stupider than the old hires. He'd called them too set in their ways and unwilling to think creatively about science which was more important in Pegasus than how many papers they'd published in the last five years. Zelenka had said that was jealousy, because Rodney hadn't published anything since he's been co-opted by the military.</p><p>"That sounds good to me." Radek gave a shrug of his shoulders. "I'll get Rodney's things out of storage and meet you there."</p><p>"Right." Right, and it shouldn't be that easy, but it was. It was, and then he was alone with Teyla, who saw way too much for his comfort and wasn't afraid to prod him about it if she needed to do so. "Shall we?" John rose from his chair and headed for the door, hoping that now wouldn't be one of those times.</p><p>"Yes." She proceeded him, but then hung outside, waiting, and he knew the questions were going to come. He just didn't know what the questions were going to be, because this was about McKay and who knew? He'd even annoyed her from time to time, with his impatience over culture and tradition.</p><p>That was the problem, really. Teyla could always be the better woman, the stronger one, and she usually managed to make him feel like some kind of kid when she had those moments. Specifically, a spoiled brat.</p><p>"Okay, so, I know you have things you want to say," John murmured as they headed towards the transporters. "Want to get them out of the way while we look for the right quarters?"</p><p>She gave that compressed smile of hers and inclined her head, so he kept walking and she waited for them to reach the transporters before she asked anything. That was enough of a respite for him, John guessed. "I wondered if you had been involved with Doctor McKay."</p><p>They had explained the whole don't ask, don't tell thing to most of their alien friends. McKay had just kind of snorted and rolled his eyes at the time, made smarmy remarks about the enlightenment of the Canadians versus the idiocy of the Americans. Teyla wanted an answer, though, and she was kind of like a chihuahua with a squeaky toy about these things. "No. Actually. We have not." Which had nothing to do with what he wanted, one way or another. He'd wanted for a damn long time, but things just kept cropping up. Beautiful Ascended priestesses, crazy Master Handlers, Kolya, atomic bombs. Destroyed solar systems. That kind of thing.</p><p>Wraith. Pegasus Galaxy kinds of things. "I have watched how you interact with one another. That is why I ask. I know that we have all formed close bonds of friendship, but you mourned Doctor McKay for a long time after we thought he was dead. In a way that was different from Lieutenant Ford and others we have lost."</p><p>Of course she'd notice it. That was the way Teyla was, she noticed everything, and it wasn't like he'd been subtle or anything. "What I might have wanted and what actually happened, those are very different things, Teyla." He stepped into the transporter, waited for her, and then tapped the screen to take them to the new quarters.</p><p>She was still saying, "I see," when the transporter doors opened for them and they started out into the hallway of the newest wing of the city that they'd brought to life. It was more strategically sound than their second set of living quarters, so there was a whole lot of shuffling going around to sort out closing up the quarters that were too far away and not displacing anyone in a way that would make them unhappy. Scientists were pretty picky about where they liked to live. </p><p>As long as it wasn't a Hive Ship, John was okay with it. </p><p>"Was he aware of this fact?"</p><p>"He's McKay!" That seemed to explain it all. "If it involves anything remotely like a personal relationship, he goes all tense and flustered and..." And John was whining, which probably wasn't pleasant for Teyla. "Look. If he had been aware, everybody would have known." And by everybody, John really meant everybody because everybody knew about McKay and his love of blondes with short hair, which was McKay's roundabout way of saying that he loved Sam Carter in a huge schoolboy crush way that had probably at some point involved him slipping some awkwardly worded invitation to a dinner date in her desk, maybe even folded in one of those awkward triangles that John vaguely remembered slipping up and down rows in high school.</p><p>"Everyone."</p><p>"Yeah. Look, Teyla, Rodney... he can't hide anything to save his life. Everything's out there, right on his face when you look at him." Usually, it was frustration, irritation, maybe even spiteful glee, but John knew he never got the kinds of looks from Rodney that the memory of Sam Carter got.</p><p>Moonfaced and stupid and reminiscent. He was going to have to kill himself or push Rodney off of a balcony if he got that face about Kolya. If he kept talking about him like he wasn't the scum of the Earth that he was, logic or no logic, John was going to snap at him. And that was probably not what he was supposed to do. "Are these the rooms, Colonel?"</p><p>"Yeah." Yeah, and he was going to calm down. He was going to deal with it all calmly, and rationally, and he wasn't going to go tossing Rodney into the ocean when they had just found him and all he wanted was to.... "I was thinking maybe the one about halfway down this hall on the right. There's quite a view," he confided, nodding. "Plus, we can kinda block anybody from getting the rooms on either side. Lots of peace and quiet."</p><p>"I could teach him meditation techniques." Not that he'd listen, but if Teyla wanted to try, she was welcome to. John wasn't going to bash his head against a wall with trying to teach Rodney something like that. Not that he was sure what he was going to do with his timeshare of Rodney. It wasn't like they could just go have a good time shooting things, which was pretty much John's favorite way of letting off steam.</p><p>"I'm sure he'd like that." Except for the part where he wouldn't, and John wasn't willing to give his share of Rodney over to Radek. That would probably be the smarter thing to do. Zelenka would be able to give him things to do that would grasp his attention and hold it tight, and... and John really hated that thought.</p><p>John hated that Rodney seemed so disjointed and bitter and angry at him, at them. He didn't know what he'd do with Rodney, except take him out to the mainland shooting and... And exploring the city. Showing him things. He could do that, since it was all they'd ever done before. That and off world missions and the rewards of relaxing after the off world near-death experience of the day. "Good. I think this will work well." And she was always so sure of that, of what she said. She didn't even have to pause before she opened the door and headed into the 'apartment'.</p><p>It was one of the spaces John had already taken a good look at, sets of rooms that reminded him of alien dorm space except, well, nicer. The rooms were bigger, for one thing, and there were more bathrooms. There was something to be said for that. Maybe the reminder of dorms would be good for McKay, help him look at things a little more the way he should. The way John thought he should, anyway.</p><p>"I thought he'd really kind of like a room with a view," John noted, strolling behind Teyla.</p><p>"Because he has in all likelihood spent much of the past year underground?" Yeah, that whole thing, and he was going to ignore the faint disapproving tone of her voice. Teyla tucked her hands behind her back and wandered into the space, looking around. "Some people enjoy that. The Genii do, and the Hoffans. And the founders of New Sateda. Do you know if Doctor McKay would prefer a view or not?"</p><p>That... That was a trick question. He was pretty sure he wasn't hallucinating that she was trying to bait him a little, because underground dwelling didn't equal evil, but she'd just rattled off three peoples that John really didn't like. And she hadn't mentioned, say, the Belvisns who had vast tunnel systems that reminded John of a pacman game. And they were great. Lots of root vegetables.</p><p>John had always had a secret fondness for rutabagas.</p><p>"Actually, I just thought he might miss the ocean." He rocked back and forth on his heels for a moment. Radek was coming down the hall -- they could hear him muttering under his breath. "After all, Atlantis is home. Don't you miss it when you're gone?" Miss the ocean. Miss Atlantis. Miss all of the people he knew and loved.</p><p>"I miss it. And you miss it, Colonel. But perhaps he misses something different now." Her eyebrows came together a little, and she walked away to look at the rooms. "But this one has a view. It could remind him of where he is now."</p><p>Just the thought of Rodney missing Kolya made his stomach clench, made something roil in the pit of his belly unpleasantly. "It's bigger than the other rooms," John agreed. "Let's see what Zelenka thinks about it."</p><p>"Let us see what Zelenka thinks of what?" The handcart he was pulling along behind him clump clumped over the track that the main door seated itself in. He slowed down, turning his head and looking around the space that was the shared living space. "Huh. This is nice."</p><p>"Colonel Sheppard wanted to know what you thought of making this room," and Teyla gestured with one hand to the room she was standing in the doorway of, "Doctor McKay's room."</p><p>"Well, I think he will not be claustrophobic, but I fear for development of agoraphobia to replace it," Radek decided, reaching up to push his glasses a little higher. "Other than that, is quite nice."</p><p>"Gee, thanks for your support, guys. Really. I didn't scout it out specifically for McKay or anything." Sulking seemed like such a good idea. It seemed better than wondering how the hell he was going to live with two scientists and Teyla, and just why Elizabeth had thought it was a good idea and why he'd picked up running with it. </p><p>"No? Is hard to tell that you didn't." There was a mischievous smile on Zelenka's mouth, and he pulled at the handcart. "Help me unpack these things."</p><p>"You're the boss." After all, it wasn't like McKay could just bounce right back into being the head of the science division, and it wasn't like John wanted to kick Zelenka out or anything. "Hey. You've got all of his diplomas and things."</p><p>Right on the top box. All it took was for him to pull back to top flap and peek in. "Yes. When Elizabeth requested that we uh. When she told me she was declaring him MIA, she wanted his room disassembled. It was storage or let the other scientists scavenge, and I was uncomfortable with the second option unless there was a body." That was Atlantis morality there. "I'll reimage his tablet and laptop with his old data."</p><p>"Hey, that's good." Really good. John wondered if somebody had a copy of Pong or asteroids around someplace. Rodney might like those. "How'd he get these things to stick to the walls, anyway?" he asked, handing Teyla a box that looked like t-shirts and underwear.</p><p>"Why don't you look on the back, Colonel?" she suggested, raising one eyebrow as if to say idiot.</p><p>Only McKay would have brought adhesives to another galaxy. Why hadn't he thought of that? All of his pictures were lined up on his desk in standing frames, and now he felt stupid in comparison.</p><p>Radek was smiling at him as he shifted that box to the floor and started to open the one beneath it. He was undoubtedly picturing John's desk, which made him feel even more stupid, if he was honest about it.</p><p>Great. Now he was going to have to ask the guys in chemistry if they could whip some up for him. It was a damn shame Kavanaugh was still holding those interrogation sessions against him.</p><p>"Oh, hey, look. Cat." Big fluffy cat, glaring at the camera. Even his cat looked arrogant and pissed off. With a fat face and big eyes. Yeah, that obviously belonged to McKay, all right.</p><p>"Yes. He misses the cat probably, no, definitely more than I miss ex-wife. Cat probably has good life still now." There were books in the box Radek was going through, but John had the Box of Personal Stuff while Teyla shook out and folded McKay's clothes, shoving them neatly into drawers. It was all personal stuff; none of the science uniforms, just t-shirts and boxer shorts. That made a certain amount of sense, though. Most of them had uniforms that were being patched or supplemented with other bits and pieces of clothing bartered for all over Pegasus.</p><p>Thank God a couple of the Marines had moms who knew how to sew and had shared that talent.</p><p>"Maybe we ought to get him one, or, you know. Something like it. Might make him feel better." Yeah, okay. John felt like a total pussy just for making that suggestion.</p><p>At least neither of them laughed at him. Teyla peered at the picture with a look over her shoulder, and her eyes narrowed for a moment. "I have once seen a creature like this. It is flesh-eating and not to be kept as a pet. I do not think Doctor McKay would like its company." </p><p>"That figures," Zelenka sighed. "Anyway, it would just get into trouble."</p><p>"And eat things," John mumbled, shuddering. Great. Flesh-eating housecats. Life-sucking catfish. Just one more thing that sucked about the Pegasus galaxy.</p><p>"There are, of course, other animals one might tame," Teyla said, but he heard that sound in her voice, the one that implied that it was a very bad idea and that he'd be crazy to try it. "Or perhaps we could..."</p><p>"I get the idea."</p><p>There wasn't an answer to that. Just more framed pieces of paper. The Icing on the cake had to be the picture of Rodney holding his second PH.D up. Did the man really need a picture of himself holding something that he'd also brought with him?</p><p>But at that point, who knew. Maybe it would help, and John wasn't going to fight it. Hell, it still had blue-tack on it. Maybe the second one meant more to him than the first for some reason.</p><p>"We will have to find some uniforms for him. I will see if there are any to be volunteered," Radek suggested, stacking the books in piles. Even John had more reading material these days, but Rodney had more entertaining things. Douglas Adams, Asimov, a small stack that represented Susan Cooper.</p><p>Interesting.</p><p>John watched Radek for a few more moments, watched Teyla look for things to move and place, and that was what finally got John moving. They were arranging things, and if Rodney disliked it then he could move it. They were just trying and he needed to do his part. Put pictures up on the walls with diplomas. He'd stick the photo of Rodney right in the middle.</p><p>And maybe it would help bring Rodney back to himself.</p>
<hr/><p>To be quite honest about it, Carson was worried nearly sick.</p><p>Rodney had done nothing at all like himself, done nothing to come out of the depression into which he'd sunk, and really, that wasn't the sort of thing Rodney ever did. He was always loud and demanding when he was ill, fretful, nigh on hypochondriacally neurotic. This... Well. This had been nothing at all like that.</p><p>It wasn't the intolerant of discomfort ravings of their old neurotic. It wasn't Rodney, and he missed that. He wanted to have the old Rodney in a hospital bed, as annoying as he'd been before he'd gone missing, the Rodney who'd complained about a peeling nose after a brush with death.</p><p>Most times, Carson suspected it was so someone would pat him on the back and comfort him a little. Talk with him and listen to him complain. Of course, humoring Rodney only encouraged it, like feeding a dog table scraps, but if Rodney were the same dog he'd been before, Carson would have been scraping full plates of food onto the floor for him, or the doctor-patient interaction equivalent of that.</p><p>But now Rodney laid there and looked at the ceiling, or he closed his eyes, and he was angry. Angry or sad and nothing in between, and it wasn't as if Carson could just give him something for that. It never worked, really, burying grief in chemicals. Eventually, it all cropped back up again, sometimes even worse, and he didn't want to do that. Not at all.</p><p>"Well, now, Rodney," he greeted, tilting his head as he paused by the foot of the infirmary bed. "How'd you feel about maybe getting out of here, aye? What d'you say?"</p><p>"That depends. Am I headed to Colonel Sheppard's hippy paradise?" If he thought about it, the bitter twist of his mouth was the most familiar thing about Rodney since he'd returned.</p><p>"I wouldn't exactly call it that, Rodney. You've got quite a nice little place, larger than mine by far, and there's a balcony and a view and everything. Radek's been bullying the better part of the expedition into putting all the best new finds together for you, even." He took Rodney's wrist and placed his first two fingers, checking his pulse and counting it off against the clock on the wall.</p><p>"Why?" At least his eyes were tracking, and he was looking at Carson's face instead of the ceiling. His pulse spiked up a bit.</p><p>"Because he likes you, I expect. Because we're all incredibly glad that you're home, back where you belong, even if you don't feel like it quite so much at the moment," Carson murmured. He raised a hand, stroked Rodney's arm. They'd been friends for a long time, and he wished he could help Rodney feel better.</p><p>He also wished he had the slightest idea of how to go about making Rodney feel better even if he wasn't in a position to help personally. "In a way, it was easier to think that you'd all retreated back to Earth because then I could at least have a reason for why no one was coming for me. Or that you were dead. I still have nightmares about that, everyone dead, and I never had that before. But it was a... reason. I accepted it, I..."</p><p>"Aye," Carson murmured when he faltered, keeping his fingers on that pulse point. "Aye. It must've been horrible, Rodney. You've no idea how hard we searched, but there were an infinite number of possibilities. Radek didn't sleep for days on end, searching, and the Colonel had to be drugged nigh to insensibility to keep him from crawling out of bed, burned and blackened, to look for you world to world. We just couldn't come up with anything solid at all, and the Dagan believed we'd stolen their ZPM, so they weren't a lot of assistance. Actually, they were downright difficult, I'd say. I thought for a while there that they planned to spear Radek if he showed up again."</p><p>Rodney's mouth curled into some sort of backwards upside down smile. "Acastus took the ZPM. He had it when-- Ladon probably has it by now. It was in my lab. I was trying to give them a gate shield." Ladon and Acastus, first name basis with the Genii. Carson didn't want to think about the danger in the Genii having a gate shield of their own, if Rodney had succeeded. They probably would have used it to capture more Atlanteans, done to them the sorts of things that they'd done to Rodney.</p><p>Physically, he was quite well. Carson couldn't deny it, because it was so very much the truth. Mentally, well, that was an entirely different kit and caboodle, wasn't it? He wasn't sure they were doing Rodney any sort of kindness by not sending him straight to live with Kate, all things considered. Perhaps they had ought, and perhaps that was exactly what they'd end up doing, but for the time being... Well. For the time being, they'd see how he did living with a few others, friends and colleagues, and more than friends, perhaps.</p><p>Carson wasn't sure. Partially, Rodney hadn't trusted Heightmeyer since the incident with Cadman, to the point that Carson guessed if he asked Rodney to put them on a sliding scale of his favorite people, Cadman would probably end up more-favored by him than Heightmeyer. "It was a full ZPM, too."</p><p>Now that was all Rodney, faintly mournful and sullen, grumpy that he'd lost something he wanted so very much. "Well, then, we'll have to see if we can get that back for you, won't we?" If the Genii still had it, then they owed Atlantis more than a dead commander for keeping Rodney fourteen months. They owed him that ZPM, not for Atlantis, but for the delight of his own discovery. "I'm sure you'd love the chance to start up some of the more obscure bits and bobs, wouldn't you?"</p><p>Not that Rodney would waste it, but that seemed to be the implication that Rodney had taken away from his statement. "There's... Things you can't even imagine. Things I..." He swallowed, and shifted, pulling away from Carson. "Can I leave?"</p><p>"Aye, when Radek comes to show you your new quarters," Carson agreed. "You're in excellent physical condition, Rodney. Better than I've seen you in for quite some time."</p><p>"He took care of me." Kolya again, the foremost thing on Rodney's mind, stronger than the lost ZPM apparently and that bothered Carson. He knew Stockholm and it's variants when he saw it, and it was all there, but there was no easy treatment for it. Some people came back to themselves.</p><p>And some people went back to their captors and abusers. </p><p>Rodney shifted again, just his fingers that time, clutching one-handed at the jacket he'd all but begged to have. It made Carson sad and soft, made him want to let him go all by himself, and he knew that he couldn't.</p><p>"I can just imagine that he did." And he knew everything was written across his eyes, but it hurt him, really. Rodney was his friend, and he wished that anything had happened to him but this. Rodney was bristly, quite the hedgehog, in all honesty. He was that way for good reasons, though, reasons Carson knew even if anyone else didn't, and the whole thing made him sick to the pit of his belly.</p><p>Rodney lifted his other hand to his face, and scrubbed his fingers over it, impatiently. "Goddammit, where is Zelenka?" So he didn't want to talk about it anymore. Maybe the reality of the depth of the Genii's lies were starting to sink in -- Carson could hope -- or Rodney was just being extremely stubborn.</p><p>Logically, it could be either one, he supposed. That was just Rodney, though, and it was better for now to let him be about it. "I'll go and check on him," Carson murmured. "And we'll get you out of here quickly."</p><p>"Thanks." He pulled the jacket up to his chest now, and that was a signal for Carson to leave. Rodney did it to nurses, and he did it to Elizabeth and he did it to anyone who stayed too long. Tipped his face down against the stiff fabric collar and pretended that they weren't there.</p><p>Well. Carson didn't see where letting him have that would hurt, for the time being. He gathered his chart and blood pressure cuff. "Aye. No worries, Rodney. And you know you can come by any time you'd like," he reassured.</p><p>Rodney didn't reply, but Carson had supposed he wouldn't.</p><p>With any luck, he'd get over that, given time.</p><p>With any luck.</p>
<hr/><p>He wasn't even sure it was small talk because he wasn't responding, because he couldn't really think to respond. Radek was, Radek was probably infinitely grateful that someday he could pass Rodney his old job back and get back to the fun, non-managerial part of Atlantis. It made sense. </p><p>Teyla standing in the middle of the clean, fresh-feeling living room didn't make sense. And John... John, he could hardly look at, except for the daylight that crept into the room, picking out thin silvery patches on his neck, curving over his chin and into stubble. Burns. Burns to his skin, burns that suggested a brush with death that was not, not the real thing. Burns that suggested it more than John trying to touch him did.</p><p>John was Sheppard. John was death, and that was creepy as hell, really, not the sort of thought he wanted to be having about someone with whom he was being forced to live, no, no, no, but there he was, and if John did try to touch him, he was going to freak right out in the biggest girliest wobbliest way EVER.</p><p>"We have brought all of your things," Radek assured him in that easy way that wasn't gentle or indulgent or anything stupid, and really, he'd always liked Radek. Always. "They are arranged in your room, and if you like, I will help you to change things you do not like."</p><p>Was it his imagination, or did they all pass looks full of poison at one another, as if they would just float over his head?</p><p>"I can move furniture on my own, but thanks." Did they somehow think he was an invalid? He was healthy, miserable, but healthy, the strange counterpoint to unhealthy but happy. It seemed like a distant thought that the two states of healthy and happy had met not so long ago.</p><p>Rodney started towards the room that Radek had gestured out as his, and clipped his shin on the edge of the low glassine coffee table that was taking up too much room in the middle of the living space. They didn't even have coffee on Atlantis anymore, why did they have to have a stupid glass coffee table? He'd never liked those things, always had this vague fear that his cat would jump on one in just the wrong way and then, oops, dead cat, so sorry.</p><p>Falling on it would probably produce, oops, dead Rodney, as well, and that was a morbid thought, even for him.</p><p>He passed them by, aware that they were hovering behind him. He could feel John's eyes on him, heavy and dark in a way that clung to the back of Acastus's jacket. Rodney didn't care if he didn't like it. That was his business, nobody's but his, and he would wear it if he wanted to wear it. He was almost used to wearing it in odd off moments, the fabric solid and warm. It was too wide, and the edge of the cuffs brushed the middle inside of his palms. It already didn't smell like Acastus, but it felt like him. The jacket felt like him and Rodney couldn't go back home and pull his arms around himself. He was dead and buried, because John had cut his throat.</p><p>No matter what lies he'd been telling Rodney. Because the 'Lanteans were still alive, but they still hadn't come for him, hadn't found him, and when they did they were all righteous indignation and us versus them and John cutting Acastus's throat, spilling dark red down onto Rodney when he'd been so pleased to watch the other man's face and the sky and just feel. Cutting his throat hadn't made his dick any less hard, and Rodney wasn't going to be sick.</p><p>Wasn't.</p><p>They'd done his room up nicely, for an Atlantean room that now reminded him of well-meaning but unfamiliar hotel rooms. His pictures were there, but... what did they mean anymore? Nothing, really, except that he was smarter than everybody else, and that they were going to make him use every single moment, every iota of all of his being, trying to serve their purposes. And yes, those had been his purposes once, but they weren't anymore. They weren't, and he was tired, and he wanted to take all of those things down, so he reached out and snagged the first one.</p><p>"Dr. McKay?" Teyla asked tentatively. "Do you not wish these things to remain on your walls?"</p><p>He'd dragged them from one Galaxy to another, so it was probably a valid question. It was his high school diploma in his hand. He'd wrapped that up at the grand age of fourteen, his mother's vicarious prodigy, her excuse to get away from his father and the loveless marriage that had crushed her own career. There was nothing quite like standing back and knowing that what most people had called a great act of love, his mother leaving his sister and his father to shadow him for his first few years of college...</p><p>Had had other motivations. He set the diploma down on the dresser beneath the pictures, and stared at them. Once he'd finished learning what he could at schools, the Pentagon and then the SGC had done with him what they wanted. Funding and the most advanced sciences he could handle, and all he had to give them was everything.</p><p>"I..." He knew he was smarter than everyone else. But he'd also fallen for a child's trick with the Gate. Swapped crystals, ham-handedly moved around and probably marked, if he'd gotten under the console to look.</p><p>Acastus had outsmarted him.</p><p>He couldn't help laughing. It was... wrong, the sound of it, and he knew it. He could almost see the hair rising on the back of Sheppard's neck, if he had hair there anymore. Rodney hadn't exactly taken a look at the back of his head.</p><p>Acastus had outsmarted him, and that was really sort of funny. He was brilliant, incredibly so, and all it had taken was a few moved around crystals. To punish him? Rodney wasn't sure. He didn't think so, not really, so there had to have been another reason, there had to have been.</p><p>"Dr. McKay?" Teyla asked again, obviously worried.</p><p>He hadn't treated Rodney with punishment. No spite, no real anger except when Rodney shoved at the man's buttons. He'd taken care of Rodney, more care than any fucked up relationship in his life, more consideration than his friends had ever gathered together. Rodney wanted to tear the diplomas and awards down, break them all, except they were paper and paper didn't break. It tore, and he'd have to smash the glass to --</p><p>And he couldn't. And it didn't matter, past tense, present tense, because it came down to Acastus being dead. It came down to there being nothing else for him but Atlantis when it was the last thing he wanted. Rodney leaned forwards, elbows on the dresser, and started to choke on the laughs. Acastus had outsmarted him, and then steered him towards...</p><p>What?</p><p>"Rodney...." Zelenka's voice, but it wasn't his hands. No, those belonged to Sheppard, herding him, moving Rodney in the direction he chose, and he turned around, flailing at him wildly with one hand, ridiculous, stupid slapping, but he'd never been good at punching or... or anything like that. It was the best he could manage, and his fucking knees were going out on him, shaking unbearably so that all he could do was stumble forward so that Sheppard couldn't put him where he wanted.</p><p>He didn't want to go wherever Sheppard wanted him to go, even if it was in the room, even if it was there and he just wanted Rodney to sit down, because Rodney could sit himself down, could let his legs take him over to the edge of the 'Lantean bed. Even looking at it, he missed the thick old mattress and the warm sheets and Acastus, and he could do without cool sheets and comfort controlled air and being alone again. "Leave me alone."</p><p>"Rodney," Zelenka murmured again, and then it was his hands, and Teyla's hands, and really, he should have expected this. He should have expected it, because they were going to do that, try to convince him to be here, stay here, be okay with here, and he wasn't, wasn't going to be, hated it. "Please. Please, we will do whatever you wish, just..."</p><p>"No we won't." God, how he hated Sheppard. "We won't, because the first thing he's gonna ask is for us to go away. Now, I don't know about you, but I'm staying right here."</p><p>"Why?" Why did he have to be so damn stubborn when it was too late to bother, too late for Rodney to care anymore, too late for it to matter? Why hadn't he bothered before when it might have, when he might have cared and when everything was fun and easy even if he was stretched thin and tired?</p><p>He didn't open his eyes, didn't want to see them standing there.</p><p>"Because I'm not," Sheppard insisted, and he sounded entirely sullen about it, whiny in a way that implied it was somehow Rodney's fault, and it so completely wasn't. No way was it his fault. Just no. "You don't need to be alone right now, Rodney."</p><p>Like it wasn't his fault that Rodney was alone!</p><p>"I wasn't alone until you finally found me again." It was the same argument, like no one was listening to him. So, so he'd been lied to, fine, but he'd been mostly happy and life was quiet and more than bearable and he was making due with what he had and, and Rodney tried to pull back because all three of them were touching him and he was sitting on a bed and he wasn't going to think of too many hands, and smiling faces and Acastus suggesting it like it was an easy game and everyone did it so why did he have problems with it?</p><p>"Dr. McKay. I am delighted to have you home again." Teyla withdrew her hands, and that was something of a relief; no, a great deal of a relief, if he was honest about it. Oh, God, he'd never been so delighted to have touch taken away from him. Now, if only Radek and Sheppard would stop touching him. "I will see you at dinner."</p><p>"Teyla..." Sheppard didn't seem happy that she was leaving, but it wasn't like he could stop her, exactly. After all. She could still kick his ass without any trouble.</p><p>"No, it is all right. She will be back later." Radek did move his hand, and Rodney felt the bed sink beside him. He wasn't going to open his eyes. "Speaking of which. Dinner. Do you want to leave for dinner or have it in the uh, apartment?"</p><p>Rodney didn't care. What he wanted was fruit and bread and that stupid smelly cheese he had hated beyond all recall.</p><p>"I think it'd be a good idea if we went to the mess," Sheppard suggested, and that was pretty much all it took to convince him that staying in their quarters was the best idea EVER.</p><p>"I'd rather stay here." Because he hadn't seen so many people at one time in, since the Wraith. He hadn't had more than two people around him in a very long time. And it was Atlantis -- gossip spread through Atlantis quicker than a radioactive wasp-bee could fly. And they'd all be looking at him and expecting everything to be Just As It Was.</p><p>Rodney couldn't do Just As It Was. He could barely handle Just As It Is.</p><p>"Yeah, well, what you'd rather and what you need, those are probably pretty different things, Rodney."</p><p>"Colonel, perhaps...."</p><p>"I understand what you're trying to do. And I don't have a choice, do I? Which doesn't make you that much different from the man you killed." He finally cracked his eyes open, looking at John even though he was a little afraid of what he was going to see. Radek was sitting beside him, not touching him anymore, just... there. "What I wanted and what I needed weren't often the same."</p><p>Yeah, that sounded bitter and vicious, and he couldn't help it. His teeth were on edge, and he wanted to scream instead of having a laughing fit of hysteria. He really wanted to throw those diplomas, too.</p><p>Damn it.</p><p>"You've got a choice," Sheppard drawled. "It'd just be easier on you if you try to interact with people, get back into something of a routine."</p><p>He had a routine. He had a routine, and it involved sleeping in and going over his research and his ideas until Acastus stopped him, and it was a damn good routine. </p><p>"You mean the routine where I get out of bed, shower, face certain death and stupid scientists for twelve hours, save the city when something goes wrong, end up strung out on drugs for three days and then pass out for a few hours before I get to start all over again?"</p><p>He could practically feel the waves of resentment at that comment, but it was true, dammit. It was true, and he wasn't going to feel bad about it, no matter how badly Sheppard sulked.</p><p>"Jesus, Rodney." He hated the sound of that as much as he hated the look Sheppard was giving him. "Fine then. Stay here. Sulk in your room and don't bother coming out again, just d..."</p><p>"COLONEL!"</p><p>Okay.</p><p>Maybe he'd forgive Zelenka, since he was yelling in Rodney's defense.</p><p>"Erm. Ah..."</p><p>So much for self-assertion.</p><p>He wanted to snap that maybe he just wanted to die, wanted to snap that that'd be fine, thanks, but he couldn't bring himself to say it, to let it leave his mouth. He stretched his hands, and put them on his knees so he didn't hit Sheppard. "Fine. Fine."</p><p>"So you're going to dinner?" Sheppard prompted, nudging at him with a foot. "Because, you know. Everybody's heard you're back. I hear they made lemon chicken, just for you."</p><p>"COLONEL!"</p><p>Rodney exhaled sharply through his nose, and then slammed the heel of his boot down over the toes of John's boot. "That joke lost its edge when I was ten."</p><p>"Ow!" Yeah, okay, that sounded pretty good in Rodney's opinion. Really good. In fact, he might make that a daily ritual. "Hey!"</p><p>"You deserved it," Zelenka sniffed, and that was a good thing to hear. He wasn't crazy, at least not entirely. Yet.</p><p>Yet. Rodney scuffed his heel over the floor once Sheppard had jerked his foot back. "I don't -- going to the dining hall is a bad idea."</p><p>"So stay in here." The bite of those words hit him in the pit of his belly. "Bury yourself in this room just like you were burying yourself in the infirmary. You think we don't give a shit about you? Huh? Because we didn't come for you? Didn't just magically know where you were?"</p><p>"Yes!" His voice rose, or maybe it fell and broke, because he wanted to be there, in one place, getting used to things as they came, as they happened. He was all right with Zelenka there and Teyla and not Sheppard, no, but he could handle it. "You found Ford, and you. Why? Why did you have to find me when I was happy and not when I was trying to die because I thought you were all dead?!" He shouldn't have rounded on John, either, or tried to grab him by the shoulders.</p><p>Shouldn't have, but he did, and John let him, let him because he was on edge or because it was true or because John didn't know what else to do, and Rodney could see it on his face where he never had before, couldn't read anything in that expression without so very much effort. It wasn't fair that it was splayed across it for him to see now.</p><p>"We... We took apart the DHD, McKay," Radek rasped. "Took it apart. Spent months dialing and re-dialing and re-dialing again, and never once did we come close. We tried...."</p><p>If it had been anyone else, they would have succeeded.</p><p>"No, no, Weir, Weir has spies all over the place, plants, and I just -- it's a planet you've been to!" He gave Sheppard's shoulders a shake, but it didn't rattle that confusion off of his face the way it should have. "How many times have you been there since it happened? Tell me!"</p><p>"Rodney..." There was a warning in that voice, low and grinding, and he ignored it. He ignored it because they were lying to him, lying, lying, and Sheppard, John, not-John, he had killed Acastus, and Rodney didn't believe him. Couldn't believe anything he said.</p><p>Couldn't believe ANYTHING.</p><p>"Tell me how many times you were on that planet!" Rodney shifted up onto one knee, leaning over Sheppard and he was getting away with it for the moment. That planet, that damned planet, because if he hadn't ended up there, Acastus would be still alive and still living in his House and even if Rodney hadn't gotten to know him the way he had, he'd be happier if he could turn back time somehow and make it so that Acastus lived. His few perfect memories weren't worth a brilliant life, and the paradox that the act would technically set off wouldn't bother him.</p><p>"Rodney, if you don't let go...."</p><p>Ha! If he didn't let go, what? What? It wasn't as if Sheppard hadn't hurt him enough, hadn't destroyed everything that had become real in the last year, and maybe he was yelling that, maybe he was loud, maybe he was spitting because he was so fucking pissed OFF, and maybe...</p><p>Maybe John was going to hit him, because there was pain, and then a great deal of nothing.</p>
<hr/><p>Stiff fabric scraped his cheek. It was a slow scrape, more of an itch, actually, but it was easy to shove it away and press his face into the thin pillow under his head. It wasn't even high enough to align his neck properly, even if he'd been pretty careless about that for the past few months.</p><p>Some things, some comforts were worth the backaches. Were worth it because strong fingers would reach out and slowly rub the knotted muscles into submission. Low on his neck and then down and over to his shoulders and back in again to his back. Just thinking about it, envisioning it, made Rodney squirm onto his stomach fitfully. He was waking up, but the dozing dream of familiar hands rubbing his back was too good to let slide away. Memories and hazy snatches of thought felt real for long moments, and Rodney stretched for them instead of his headache.</p><p>"Dr. McKay?" The sound of it was barely more than a murmur, but it caught his attention. The fact that there was a woman in the room dragged him out of misty not-quite-sleep in a way that it never would have before, and Rodney hated that. Hated it. "I have brought soup for you, and some other things that I thought perhaps you would enjoy."</p><p>It was only Teyla, on one hand. Only Teyla was a funny, dusty sort of thought because she was a woman who could kick his ass more efficiently if not better than the marines. And she'd look better doing it than any of the Marines would. Better than Sheppard's face when his expression twisted and that was probably why his own face ached.</p><p>"Soup," Rodney echoed, sitting up a little and pulling at the sheets. He was still dressed, which was a good sign. No one had stripped him and manipulated him. Just tossed him on the bed and called it a wrap.</p><p>"Yes. Since Colonel Sheppard was so kind as to hit you, I thought that softer foods might be preferable. I brought these from the mess, believing that you would rather that than my own cooking, as well." She was so earnest, but wow, she'd learned a lot about sarcasm while he was gone. "Radek brought soup for the Colonel to warm, as well. I'm afraid he is also indisposed." She seemed fairly pleased about that, actually.</p><p>Huh. Not all together expected, the mildly sated edge to her words as she leaned to turn on the bedside lamp for him, and he cut her off. "That's okay. The window's bright enough." He didn't need to see her face or her clothes or really any detail about the soup. The black and white and sepia and blue grainy vision the rods of his eyes gave Rodney was more than enough, and comfortable. Not everything in the world was visual anymore. </p><p>Rodney still sat up a little better, and reached to help her guide the tray when she put it on his lap. "Thanks."</p><p>"You are most welcome, Dr. McKay." Slowly, she settled down beside him on the bed, and he didn't flinch, although that was hard. "I also have some of the toasted berry bread you enjoy so much, and dessert. There is tea, but I have left it at the bedside." She smiled. "Juggling liquids when one is indisposed always seems to have dire results, in my experience."</p><p>In his experience, too. Drunk or sad or sick, any of it usually led to spills and that was the last thing anyone needed when they were in whatever state that needed the drink in the first place. Rodney waited another few moments, his eyes adjusting. The moonlight that crept in through the window picked out the sharper edges of Teyla's face, the slim metal rings that her shirt laced through, the wet of her teeth when she smiled. The edge of the spoon, and he could reach for it now with confidence. "I appreciate it. I've gotten used to tava beans, but... tea. I should be used to that, shouldn't I?" He hadn't even asked what was in the soup. Just that it was warm and he was hungry. And bread. He'd wanted bread again, and even if it wasn't thick wheat bread.</p><p>"I think perhaps that there is no should or should not in this case, Rodney." The sheer gentleness of that statement made his hand shake, but he firmed his resolution, gripping his spoon tightly. "Terrible things have happened to you, on all sides. That makes it very hard."</p><p>On all sides. Like she understood and accepted what he felt like he'd been arguing since he got there, and that made him nervous and appreciative. But Teyla Emmigan or Imogen or however it was spelled didn't want in his pants. She'd probably sleep with Radek first, and no matter what he thought about Genii women, he could... he could put in the effort not to flinch. He could know that his flinching was an overreaction and trust himself to hold on. "It didn't seem so terrible. At the time."</p><p>"Sometimes, we have others who come to us who have been in similar situations. They are... not easy. Never easy. Sometimes, they return to the places where they were kept, because they find that they prefer to continue being kept, to continue as they were. I... hope that you will not." Teyla was ridiculously gentle, and Rodney figured that was why she was in the room and not anyone else. Why she was one of the people assigned to watch him. "We have missed you."</p><p>He hadn't expected that. Radek had told him that, but that was... that was Radek. And Carson. Radek and Carson were his friends, and he'd known that while he would have liked it if John and the rest of them were friends, they were more comrades. In arms, and mostly only when there was adventure afoot. "There isn't anyone for me to go back to." It was easier to address that part of what she'd said than the more confusing being missed and friendship issues.</p><p>"No." No, and she knew that, didn't she? She had been there, he thought, on the jumper, or maybe when they came out of it. He wasn't sure, one way or the other. He'd been in shock, probably, okay, definitely, and all he could remember was the vicious, angry gleam in John's eyes. "No, I understand that."</p><p>"He... he wasn't bad. Yes, he... lied to me. But I can see why. Acastus treated me... very well." Except for that one thing. The one thing that left him miserable and dirty and unsteady for days, because it felt all wrong, because while he liked sex a lot, he wasn't an exhibitionist and he hadn't enjoyed it. Much. </p><p>Rodney hunched his shoulders and took a sip of the soup. It was good, a burst of not-quite-garlic on his tongue, thick and hot with other spices, as well. They were alien, but not-quite-garlic and not-quite-cayenne went well together with not-quite-chili-powder, like some kind of crazy tortilla soup.</p><p>"Of course." The fact that she didn't argue with him made him even more paranoid. "I cannot deny that even the Genii could be a kind and wonderful people. They were good, fair traders, if entirely serious." And completely lying, but hey, what were a few lies when the Wraith were coming, right?</p><p>"They had a sense of humor, after a fashion." Or Acastus did -- sometimes he laughed at Rodney's comments, and sometimes he laughed at the way Rodney did things, long, deep laughs that didn't leave Rodney angry.</p><p>Teyla's lips quirked upwards. "Yes. Realizing now precisely how many harvest ceremonies I suffered does indicate that the Genii know how to life." If not with someone, then at them, but that seemed all right with her. "I am glad that you had a good place to stay while you were gone. You realize that what was done... was done out of fear for your safety, do you not, Dr. McKay?"</p><p>Of course. Sure. Sheppard thought that Acastus was raping him, except Rodney wasn't sure how that happened with one person, oh, smiling and petting someone's back and asking for it, but. Who knew. Someone somewhere probably had, but it wasn't him. "I know that... intellectually," he told her after a pause and a few more sips of soup. "Except intellectually I also know that the -- it wouldn't have looked like what Sheppard thought it was."</p><p>The way her tongue darted out didn't make him nervous. It didn't, or at least he could tell that to himself. "Colonel Sheppard... The fact that you were not here, it was very difficult for him," she said, an obscure explanation that he would never understand because Rodney's people skills kind of sucked. A lot. "The fact that you did not return and could not be found signified that you must not be away of your own accord when we discovered where you were. He was... agitated."</p><p>"I thought you were all dead. I thought..." Rodney preferred to look down at his spoon in the cup instead of at the way her face moved while she carefully picked the words. "I don't know."</p><p>"It had to have been very difficult for you." Her hand rested lightly on his for just a moment and then withdrew, the light touch almost too much for him. "Being alone that way."</p><p>Difficult wasn't the right word. Rodney moved his hand, shook it off like that would make all touch go away, and picked up the spoon again. "It was. I was scared, and..."</p><p>And. And was the problem. He was scared and alone and so many things that he didn't even have words for them, really. The worst of those words was hopeful, because he'd had faith that John would come. If he had lived, John would come, and John hadn't, not until he was there and comfortable and had a real life, a life that John -- Sheppard -- had destroyed.</p><p>Until it all cycled back on itself. John had gone and John had taken and John had come back and reclaimed him. John, actually, was very godlike in that way, pulling that sort of shit on him.</p><p>There wasn't anything else to tell Teyla, so he shrugged his shoulders as if that was the start the beginning and the end of his story, and kept eating.</p><p>She let him get away with it. "Do you like it? There are new flavorings to it, and several of the others seem to enjoy them greatly. We have also gained a berry much like blueberries?" The statement was something of a question. "One of the marines made a thing he calls cobbler."</p><p>It sounded like bribery and Acastus all at once. Discussion and food, and maybe that was how everyone had always made him amiable to suggestion. They weakened his will power with things that tasted good, and made him happier. "Cobbler. I used to miss things like that."</p><p>"But.. not anymore?" Teyla reached out and touched him again, and this time, she left her hand on his wrist, a gentle, easy touch that meant more and less to him at once than touch had in some time. It didn't make him nervous -- much -- and that was a surprise.</p><p>"I..." No. Yes? Maybe he still missed it under other things, newer, sharper things that he missed. "I miss Tava bean paste. I never thought I'd miss a damn piece of food in this galaxy, and I do."</p><p>"Then I will get you some." Come hell or high water, he suspected, the greys of evening not hiding the steely glint of her gaze or the way her jaw tightened. "Would that please you?"</p><p>"It..." Yes. Yes, it would. He liked the taste of it and if he couldn't have Acastus make it, he could sit down with it and muddle through some thoughts, maybe. Or at least remember. Taste and smell held sharp memories for Rodney, sharper than what he saw and what he could touch. "As long as no one's shooting at you when you do it."</p><p>"No. I believe that we have made certain arrangements so that perhaps it will not be necessary that I be shot at."</p><p>Rodney switched hands with his spoon and began eating again, but he didn't take it away from Teyla. If he thought about it, he'd probably consider that incredibly strange.</p><p>He decided not to think about it.</p><p>His head and face hurt too much to think about it. Apparently wrists were okay, and Teyla was... understanding of him. Trying to. She wasn't yelling at him or making insane demands. Sure, she was trying to rationalize what John did, but it was quiet. It didn't hurt him much to hear and absorb her words. "That's good."</p><p>"Mmm. Yes. Especially if it will allow me to bring you Tava bean paste. The tea is very good, isn't it?" Tava bean tea, she meant, he supposed. After all, he didn't see any tea on the tray.</p><p>"They call that tea, then? Acastus always just... made it." He'd probably assumed that Rodney knew what it was. "It reminded me of a lot of Earth-things blended together." And when he'd thought that Earth was destroyed or culled, it was good to taste and think, there was a little bit of Earth. Cocoa and coffee and chai all together.</p><p>Good things.</p><p>Home things.</p><p>"Then I am glad there was some comfort to be had." She withdrew her hand and reached for the plate. "There are soft crackers to go with the soup, Dr. McKay. Would you like to try them?"</p><p>"Yeah. Thanks." Rodney reached for them. He wasn't sure what Athosian had decided that was a crisps should end up slightly soggy and translated across from another galaxy, but there was a certain familiarity to the taste, so he dropped a few uneven pieces into the soup. They fell in an appealing pattern, although not so much as they might have if they'd been, say, tortilla chips to go with the flavor of the soup.</p><p>"Dr. McKay..." He knew it. This was going to be the part where she pleaded prettily for him to forgive Sheppard, or at least to think about it. "Can I fetch you anything else? There is a computer being made available to you, but the others are still installing things that might interest you." Or maybe not. Huh. She offered him a laptop instead. Acastus had been going to pay top dollar for one that had probably been lost in the field, and here at Atlantis, they just gave him one. That was probably his in the first place.</p><p>"No, I'm uh. I'm good, thanks." He lifted his chin, and tried to look at her, really look at her, before he asked, "So why is Sheppard indisposed?"</p><p>He couldn't quite figure out the expression on her face. "Actually, I am afraid that Dr. Zelenka is responsible." Zelenka? Radek did... what?" "There was a vase. I am afraid that it made contact with Colonel Sheppard's head when the Colonel hit you."</p><p>"He hit Sheppard with a vase," Rodney repeated, looking at Teyla as he set his spoon down and played with the crackers for a moment. "You don't actually sound afraid."</p><p>"Why should I?" Those were very expressive eyebrows. "I am informed that the Colonel is... what is the phrase? Very hard-headed. Also, Dr. Beckett assures me that he will wake again, and has even left some pain medication. There is medication for you, as well, should you desire it."</p><p>"I'm not sick," Rodney pointed out. It was probably a statement that would make Carson fall over in shock, but it was true. He was fine. He was, he was physically better than fine. "What is it?"</p><p>"Tylenol. For your jaw," Teyla murmured. "We were afraid that it might ache somewhat, considering the force with which the Colonel struck you."</p><p>Which was a sign to Rodney at least that he wasn't going to fare well, living in the same 'apartment' as Sheppard. He'd only been there for thirty minutes before Sheppard had hit him. No, probably less time. </p><p>"Tylenol sounds good right now." He probably had a horrible bruise to go with the ache and the headache.</p><p>"I will get some for you." She rose carefully, making sure that he held his soup steady, and left his room.</p><p>Teyla seemed pleased that he'd want it, and why shouldn't she be? She also seemed pretty glad that he was back on Atlantis, and maybe... just maybe, she was glad to see him for himself and himself alone, and not what he could do.</p><p>Maybe.</p><p>Maybe Radek was, too, if he'd hit Sheppard over the head with a vase.</p><p>It was that fine line between doing things for him and doing things because of who he was. Just then, he wasn't benefitting anyone. He was eating their soup. But Radek had hit Sheppard, and Teyla was talking to him. Trying to understand and she wasn't calling Acastus evil.</p><p>He wasn't evil. He was fucked up, and now he was dead, and Rodney had to admit that lies, no lies, it was still good. It was still something solid that his mind could hold onto and go, 'No, I've done worse'. Gone crazier. Been more desperate. Been... lost, really. Lost, and not all that upset about it, once he settled in, and wow, that seemed just immensely wrong somehow.</p><p>"I have brought the pills," Teyla announced on her way into his room, voice a little ahead of her presence as if to warn him, make him feel less worried about her entrance. "If you like, I will leave you to your dinner, now...?" She seemed tentative about it, almost as if she wanted to stay, but wanted to give him options, too.</p><p>He hesitated, watching her in the dim track lighting from the room that was past the hallway. "I.... I'd appreciate it if you stayed. Unless you've got something else to do, and then I completely understand it if you want to go."</p><p>It was nice to see her light up that way, almost as if she was happy that he had asked her to stay. "I would love to remain with you. Perhaps, if you would like, I can tell you about all that has passed? There are more children now, on the mainland, and a variety of other interesting things, as well. Ronon would also like to come and visit you. Perhaps tomorrow." She moved closer and sat on the edge of the bed.</p><p>Not too close, and not in any way that suggested she was interested in taking off her clothes. The exact opposite, in fact, and Rodney let himself be lulled with carefully edited stories from the mainland and everything that he'd missed.</p>
<hr/><p>His head hurt like ever-loving fuck.</p><p>John couldn't remember the last time he had felt like this. It was a cross between head injury and three-days-drunk, and holy cow. Ow. Ow, ow, even, and he managed to fumble a hand upwards to touch his head, and..</p><p>"OW." Knot. Serious knot, and that explained a lot. He remembered arguing with Zelenka, remembered... Oh. Hey.</p><p>Squirrely little Czech bastard.</p><p>"Ow. Ow. Do you always declare your aches so dramatically, Lieutenant? Because if you do, I think you can do it alone." Little Czech bastard who apparently didn't have the decency to leave.</p><p>Even more ow.</p><p>"No," John mumbled, opening his eyes slowly. At least it was dark. That was something, anyway. His head hurt enough on a normal day -- the burns from the exploding dart had done some pretty nasty work on the tendons in his back and leading up into his neck, so a headache was all part of the natural run of his day. The throbbing of the knot on top of his head to go with it was just cruel and unusual.</p><p>The fact that he probably deserved it kind of sucked, though.</p><p>He hated that he'd done anything to deserve it, a hit like that, but it was hard to get too angry at Radek, no. He was going to have to settle for mildly indignant for a while. "Good. I would not want you to enjoy what you have done."</p><p>Enjoy it. Ha. Jesus. He'd hit Rodney, and that was just... stupid. Too much, something that he should never have done, especially considering... "Trust me. Enjoyment? It's not on the list." Embarrassed, mortified, horrified, appalled... Yeah. Definitely all of those things. "I should have just slapped him. He was hysterical."</p><p>"Slapping works very well for McKay. But you see, scientifically..." Radek was leaning over his bed, hand open. He pointed his index finger to his open palm. "You do not hit with even that part. You hit with your fingertips and cup your hand a little for better noise. Your technique was all wrong. Closed hand is not the way to do it."</p><p>"Thanks." Yeah, Radek was definitely on the ball there. "'ppreciate the advice." He'd have appreciated it more if Radek had gotten between him and Rodney before John had laid him flat on the floor and then Radek had laid him flat on the floor. It really would have worked a little better. Mostly.</p><p>"Doctor Beckett left you painkillers. And I do not think anyone is reporting this to Doctor Weir." Radek declared both of those very firmly, and then he watched John in a way that made John want to turn out the light in his room, even if it was just off to the side and dull. "Also, I do not blame hysteria. People take him prisoner, treat him very well -- he comes home, you punch him. No wonder he is confused."</p><p>Yeah. Yeah, okay, John could see that. The fact that he could see it made him grimace, but what the hell. It was true. "Yeah. There is that. Jesus." Jesus, he'd hit Rodney, and got blood all over him and...</p><p>This wasn't going to be one of the better weeks of his life, after all. Dammit.</p><p>"Oh. Yes. There is that. There is that," Radek repeated back at him. "And if you do not stop that, we will be lucky if we even have a recognizable Doctor McKay. You might as well have left him there if you are going to keep doing this!" And Radek was sitting beside him still, hands moving in wide motions.</p><p>John shifted slowly and closed his eyes, bringing a hand up to his face. His entire head was one throbbing mass of pain. Maybe... Maybe a lot of things. "Probably shouldn't have had me move in. Ronon's a better choice. I'll..." Shift him in. Move his stuff out. He couldn't face Rodney. Not this way.</p><p>Not this way.</p><p>"Of course, because their shared love of food will what?" Radek stood up, and the motion of the bed made his skull ache. "No. No, you are not going to take the easy way out if I do not get to take the easy way out, either."</p><p>"You think getting up and leaving is the easy way out?" John wasn't sure if incredulous was the right word for how he felt. No, no, what he felt was that Radek was un-fucking-believable. Jesus. EASY? "You think leaving Rodney is easy, Zelenka!? You think I wanted... fuck!" Fuck, because his head hurt and his jaw was clenched and his knuckles were killing him, and he'd hit Rodney, and Rodney was enough of a mess, and...</p><p>And.</p><p>And things hadn't been right with them in a long time because Rodney had blown up a solar system and John had been pissed for a long time and their friendship, whatever tentative other things might have been there aside, had become something barely there at all.</p><p>And then this. And then Rodney had spent more than a year thinking that Kolya was treating him like something precious. And that was fucked up and more than he ever had expected from Kolya in terms of crossing lines of honor, but Rodney had really bought into it. And John was just feeding it, living up to whatever was in Rodney's head.</p><p>"I think you wanted for him to come back and be him. He is, but he is not, and you can't pretend that it's that easy."</p><p>"Does this look like pretending to you?" John opened his eyes and shifted, moved to sit up slowly on the edge of the bed. He had pain killers in his kit, the more serious stuff. Since the dart went down, he needed them on occasion, even if he didn't like using them. He could almost hear Carson lecturing in his head, You don't have to like them, Colonel. You just have to take them. "This looks like he hates me, and he was hysterical, and yeah, I shouldn't have hit him. Okay. And I'm not gonna do it again, but...." But.</p><p>"He is angry with you." Zelenka looked towards the door, and that was when he realised that it was very firmly closed. "Teyla is with him now. I do not hear screaming and yelling, so I think he is doing better. Or eating. It has been very disturbing to see him uninterested in food. Like family dog -- always a sign of illness."</p><p>"It's a sign of something, anyway." Jesus. Comparing Rodney to the family dog, that was just... John reached up and pinched the bridge of his nose tightly before rubbing his face. "Look. I just think he'd do better if I wasn't here, maybe. I mean, it's pretty obvious that I'm just freaking him out."</p><p>He wondered if Kolya had treated Rodney like some kind of family pet. He was pretty sure Rodney was convinced that the man had given a shit, even when Kolya had been...</p><p>He shook his head, and with it shoved away the red haze that had crossed behind his eyes the second he'd seen that pock-faced son of a bitch rearing up over McKay. "Look. Just... I'll be better with it tomorrow. All right?" It was the best he could promise.</p><p>"All right. I will hold you to that." He wandered back, glass of water in hand. "I have dinner for you, too. And drugs. Drugs first, I think." The mad scientist was handing him water and drugs just like that, like he didn't know what else to do with John. "I am sorry about the vase. It was an ugly vague to start with."</p><p>"Yeah, well. It was an Ancient vase, so it's probably a good thing that we're not planning on telling Elizabeth." God bless Beckett, he'd left the good drugs. That was a relief, and John swallowed down two of them, clenching his jaw as he shifted a little, making his head throb even worse. "She'd probably be pretty worried about that vase."</p><p>"And your skull. We told her that you and Rodney were catching up and that was why you were not at dinner. If you just, just do not hit him again, life could be much easier." Like he needed to be told that, but Radek was angry at him, he could tell. Great. Great. Teyla was probably pissed at him, too, so he'd hear it for a second time, couched in disapproving diplomacy.</p><p>"I wasn't planning on hitting him the first time." He'd wanted... Well, he didn't know what it was he'd wanted. Wanted Rodney to be okay, wanted things to be all right between them, wanted... Wanted anything but what they'd gotten. He'd expected worse, maybe, but he'd also expected better. "I'm hoping it'll be better tomorrow."</p><p>"Elizabeth would give you a speech about new days and better circumstances." There was a pause as Radek sat back down, holding a bowl of soup out to him. "While I enjoy her 'peppy talks', they are just that. Tomorrow will also be bad. And the day after that. And the day after that. And many days to come. But we can bribe him and ply him and re-interest him in the city. Also, device he brought in jacket? Not a bomb or weapon. So tomorrow, you have honor of returning it to him."</p><p>Gee. Radek's outlook on life must be a pretty, shiny kind of thing somewhere deep underneath all of that doom and gloom.</p><p>"So if it's not a bomb or a weapon, what is it, then?" John sat the glass down and moved to lean against the wall.</p><p>"It is a..." Radek paused, and the edges of his mouth lifted up. "Some kind of child's toy. I scoured the database. It emits sonic vibrations that comfort. It responds only to ATA gene, but Carson has tested, and he commented that it would have been very useful in Earth children. Or Rodney's previous medical visits."</p><p>Huh. Well. That sounded useful, all right. It also sounded like maybe Kolya had known what it did, and known how to soothe Rodney into doing exactly what he wanted.</p><p>That gritted, pissed him off again and made him clench his teeth. Rodney was being manipulated and he didn't even know it, just clung to the damned thing the way he held onto that jacket, and the whole thing made John sick to the core of him. Funny that Radek found it amusing. Or not-funny, actually.</p><p>"So Kolya brought him a pacifier," he drawled.</p><p>"For older children, but yes, essentially." Radek shrugged his shoulders, and gestured to the bowl of soup like he was reminding John he had it. "It looks to us like it could be a weapon. Less strange to see him carrying around the city than, say, a Genii uniform."</p><p>John's shoulder twinged as he reached forwards, the tension in his back and shoulders making him seriously hurt. His hands shook as he picked up the bowl. "Well. I guess that's something." Better than nothing, all things considered. Better than everybody thinking he'd come back crazy as hell.</p><p>"So, I will bring it here and you will give it to him tomorrow. And everything will be good." Radek stood again, made the mattress shift just a little, enough to make the tension in John's back worse. "Do you need anything else?"</p><p>A time machine. Better plastic surgery. Contact with Earth. Chocolate. A little less of the rain of frogs thing they had going on, really, that'd be nice. "Nothing," he murmured, and slurped from the spoon. He enjoyed watching Radek twitch.</p><p>"Then have a good night." Radek frowned at him, and he probably didn't want John to have a good night. He probably only wanted him to have a decent night at best, or at least some restless sleep. He probably wanted him to stew in his guilt. Radek's back was stiff, and he let himself out pretty quickly, leaving John by himself.</p><p>He was probably supposed to really suffer, sulk and wish that he hadn't hit McKay. He did wish that, but there wasn't a lot of point in sulking about it. What, exactly, was he supposed to do to change it? Nothing. There was that lack of time machine thing going on, really, and it wasn't like Rodney was happy to see him. It wasn't like... Well, a lot of things, really, and so what if he'd gone half-crazy seeing Rodney there with Kolya looming over him. Okay, so it had been more than half-crazy and the next thing he remembered was the jumper and Teyla and McKay and blood everywhere, and it was just too late to change anything.</p><p>It was too late to take that moment in time back, and he had no idea how to fix Rodney.</p><p>But John had plenty of time to think on it. Plenty of alone time with his aching back and his soup, and the rest of his 'roommates' angry enough at him that no one else was going to disturb him.</p>
<hr/><p>There was someone in his room.</p><p>Rodney knew it before he ever opened his eyes, and it sent little rippling shudders through him, shudders that he hoped couldn't be seen. It was a bad idea to let whoever it was known that he was awake. If they knew, they'd be more likely to move faster, do whatever they'd come to do and get out.</p><p>He remembered when it had been normal to feel that feeling. Acastus looming over his bed, waiting for him to wake up, watching until his patience wore thin, until he dragged Rodney awake. That was a long time ago, and now, now it took him a few minutes to orient himself to the bed, the hard mattress. It wasn't home (he was home, in Atlantis, that was home), and it wasn't right.</p><p>Rustling sounded, footsteps, and then something on the floor (knees), he thought. Knees, so if it was Atlantis, it could really only be one of a handful of people.</p><p>He didn't want to open his eyes and find out.</p><p>Someone was kneeling beside his bed, and he wondered where their hands were. And if he could move, roll over and stretch out on his stomach, hide his face, without seeming as awake as he was. If he could hide his face, then it would be so much easier to pretend.</p><p>"Rodney?" Yeah. That whisper was a little too quiet, a little too tentative for him to be able to tell. "Rodney...." The reiteration of his name was accompanied by a hand that pressed gently to his jaw, the swollen edge of it. "Jesus. I'm sorry."</p><p>John, then. That... didn't actually surprise him somehow. It did make him want to keep his eyes closed.</p><p>He still winced when fingers hit painful skin, when they made the bruise ache unhappily and slide right up into his skull. John was sorry. John was sorry and Rodney was almost sorry that John wasn't dead the way he'd thought he was, because he'd had all of those thoughts and dreams and he'd missed him so much. And all of his stupid pipe dreams were dead, but it was because John was dead and thus they were all impossible.</p><p>It was easier to let go of dreams in the face of that than it was to let go of them in the sad face of the fact that John was actually an asshole. Rodney was kind of accustomed to the dead thing these days. Asshole, well, that wasn't exactly new, but it had been shoved home with a vicious twist.</p><p>The man beside his bed gave a heavy sigh, and the lingering fingers fell away from Rodney's jaw, moved to lay close to his side. He could feel the weight of John's head lying on his mattress, and he wanted to yell, wanted to make him get off of it. That would mean revealing that he was awake, though, and he wasn't ready to do that just yet.</p><p>Except he didn't know what else there was to do, except pretend to be asleep still. Even though John was kneeling by his bed, head on the mattress in a way that Rodney would have taken as a gift from the gods before the crash and everything after. Except that John had killed Acastus and he -- and god, he was just a stupid military man. He thought he was rescuing Rodney, but to this? Everyone watching him like he was crazy or broken and now John was doing this when he hadn't done it before, when it would have done some good.</p><p>"Colonel." The second voice nearly made Rodney startle, but he hoped it wasn't noticed since John jumped harder. "I've told you, you don't need to be down on that knee. It's not ever gonna handle that kind of pressure again."</p><p>Huh. Carson.</p><p>"It won't kill me," John said just as quietly. "And I wanted..."</p><p>Something. Well, of course he wanted something, but more importantly it was apparently something that wasn't in Rodney's mental categories of bad, because John didn't stand up when Carson came into the room and John didn't pretend to be looking for a contact lens. Or something.</p><p>Not that the contact lens thing would have worked anyway because Carson knew everyone's medical files. Including that John apparently had a bad knee now. Rodney breathed quietly, breathed slow, the measured breathing where he got caught up in the act of breathing to the point that sometimes it fooled Acastus into thinking he was actually asleep, fooled him into murmuring 'I only want to protect you' against Rodney's skin, and now that made sense, didn't it?</p><p>He'd only wanted to protect him. Protect him right out of living.</p><p>"Aye, there is that," Carson murmured, "but it'll make you miserable and achy, and that, I'm afraid, makes you difficult and grumpy." There was so much affection in that statement that Rodney almost opened his eyes to glare at Carson, to see what he looked like saying that. "He's home, John. You'll have plenty of time to moon about it later."</p><p>"Gee, thanks, Carson. I appreciate that. He's probably awake, and he's probably going to be asking all kinds of questions about why I'd be mooning now."</p><p>Well. There was that.</p><p>"If the creak of your knee didn't wake him, not much else will. I left a sedative with the other pills, besides." Not that Rodney had taken it. He hadn't wanted to take it. He'd had enough of clawing through murky drug aftereffects, and whatever Acastus had given him for those first couple of weeks -- and admittedly, he had been half hysterical, so it wasn't entirely without reason -- probably wasn't as knock you over with a feather strong as what Carson had.</p><p>"Is that the one that's sitting in the bottom of the little pill cup on the desk?"</p><p>Well, shit. He should have flushed it down the toilet.</p><p>Carson moved about the room, the rhythm of his movements different than John's. "Och. That'd be the one, then." His voice had gotten softer, become almost a whisper. "He appears to be resting still, so perhaps..."</p><p>"Perhaps," John said aloud, sounding suspicious, "he's faking it."</p><p>So caught. He took a few more carefully measured breaths, pulling himself out of the daze of concentration on breathing. It always took a minute to do it in a way that didn't end up with him hyperventilating. Breathing wasn't supposed to be something anybody thought about, for a good reason.</p><p>"Maybe I just didn't want to be sedated."</p><p>"Yeah, well, I can't say I blame you." And there was John, still kneeling by his bed. Huh. "How you feeling?"</p><p>"Like I was punched in the jaw yesterday." Rodney started to sit up, slowly, getting his elbows beneath his body first before he tried palms on the mattress. "Oh, wait, I was."</p><p>"Hey, we could try it again today if you wanted," John offered, giving him that wide-eyed look of innocence that Rodney had never quite managed to forget. "Only, you know, my hand kind of hurts, so I think putting it off another few days might be a better idea."</p><p>"Or not doing it at all," Carson stressed, rolling his eyes and stepping towards the bed. "Here, Colonel. Let me help you up so that I can get you out of my way and check on Rodney."</p><p>It was like watching someone else other than John stand up, when he did. He didn't just 'let' Carson pull him to his feet, he actually had to use him, hands on Carson's shoulder and arm, to get standing again. He let go fast, but Rodney had seen that he actually had to do that just to be up on his feet. And it wasn't the John he remembered.</p><p>"I'm fine." Rodney snapped it, and he sat up fully, pushing the sheets down.</p><p>"Of course you are, but that doesn't mean I don't need to get a new baseline on a great many things, Rodney." Carson was giving him that look, the one that seemed to say there were exams to be had, prostates to be checked, blood to be drawn. It made him nervous. "I'm greatly interested in your blood pressure in particular, so sit down and let me check you, hm?"</p><p>John cleared his throat. "I'll, uh, just be going."</p><p>Coward. He'd stuck around when he'd thought Rodney was asleep but now that he was admitting to being awake and Carson was there, he was fleeing. It figured. "My blood pressure is fine, and Sheppard, can't you at least make him leave me alone?"</p><p>That'd be a start, something to make him at least forgive Sheppard for being in his presence. Actually, the whole thing made his head swim, just a little.</p><p>"Hey. I'm only so brave. Plus, uh, I figure it'll be better if he's here while I apologize. So you can't throw me out or, you know, kill me with your mind." The faint sarcasm gilding the words made Rodney's eyes narrow.</p><p>If he could kill Sheppard with his mind, directly and not from the fruits of the labor of his mind, he was pretty sure he would have unconsciously tried it before the mention just then. Because Sheppard had slit Acastus's throat, and just the thought made him feel sick and conflicted, discomfort mingling with uncertainty in the base of his stomach. "While you apologize for what part of the last few days?"</p><p>The fact that he had to think about it made Rodney damn sure that he didn't want to accept any sort of apology whatsoever. "Well. Mostly for the part where I hit you." Yeah, because that still hurt. Homicidal maniacs tended to do that kind of thing, though.</p><p>They tended to lash out at people, hit things, hurt things. Rodney swung his legs over the edge of the mattress, and he was not-thinking about Acastus the same way that he had not-thought about John for the past year.</p><p>He darted a look over to Carson, and then back to John. At least it was holding off the assault of latex gloved hands. Hadn't Carson had enough time alone medically with him already? "I'll forgive you. Just for the hitting part. Since Radek hit you back."</p><p>"Radek did more than hit him back, Rodney. He smashed one of those Ancient vases over his head, and shattered the stupid thing. It's a wonder the Colonel doesn't have a concussion, really, though he's always been a bit hard-headed..." Carson tossed the man a smile, no small amount amused, and then moved to take care of Rodney whether he liked it or not.</p><p>"It's a good thing, too. Those things could probably kill a guy," Sheppard whined, reaching up to rub the back of his head.</p><p>"Oh, yes. Death by kiln fired pottery is so very likely around this city. Who needs guns and knives when you have decorative lead based pots?" Rodney worked his jaw for a moment, looking up at Sheppard until Carson crossed into his line of sight and got between.</p><p>"Now, Rodney, you know those things are difficult to shatter at all, and Radek got in a fair swing before it made contact. Oh, look at that. Your jaw's a tad swollen, but I expect you'll be just fine by tomorrow." Just fine, and Carson was pulling out his blood pressure cuff. Charming.</p><p>Sheppard snapped his fingers. "Hey, yeah, I nearly forgot. I've got something for you, Rodney." Something that could come out of his pocket, apparently, and... oh. Oh.</p><p>That. He hadn't been sure where it had gone, except maybe into the bowels of the science department, never to be seen again. "You're letting me have it back?" He was already reaching towards it hopefully, even if it probably made it easier for Carson to get the cuff around his arm. "I... carried it everywhere with me. Wasn't sure where it had gone."</p><p>"Yeah, well, you know. Zelenka was worried that it might be something dangerous, so we looked at it, but it doesn't seem all that likely, so..." Sheppard shrugged, but that uncaring attitude couldn't quite hide the way he reached forward, the way his hand was held so that Rodney would have to touch it if he took the object.</p><p>Which... fine. He wanted it more than he wanted not to have to touch John. It was a simple comfort, but it was his. Acastus had given it to him and it was his. His to keep and have and have calm him down. The edges of his short fingernails caught on John's palm, and he closed his hand around it before Rodney pulled his hand back, holding it close. It hadn't hummed for John, and it started to react right away for him.</p><p>"Well that's kind of perverse." John -- no, no, not John. Sheppard -- frowned, head tilted to the side. "Hey, Doc, do you know if they tested that thing depending on who was touching it, by any chance?"</p><p>Carson shook his head. "That's something you'll have to ask Radek, I'm afraid. He'll know what they tested and what they didn't."</p><p>"It's not a weapon," Rodney told him a little sharply. It was just a toy. Soft sound and vibration and sometimes, there were lights along the curving line he'd tried to slip his thumbnail into to pry open.</p><p>"Well, no, that wasn't what I... c'mon, McKay, you know that's not what I meant!" Except he didn't know. Not really. He could have meant anything, after all, anything at all. "It's just that it doesn't go off for the rest of it, so... is it keyed to you like the personal shield or is it maybe..."</p><p>"Well, whatever it is, you're making it difficult for me to hear," Carson prodded, slipping his stethoscope under the cuff and adjusting the earpieces.</p><p>"It doesn't have a conventional on off switch." Rodney passed it  closer to the cuff, but he laid it on his lap and it stopped the gentle vibration. Just the quiet hum was left. He'd missed that, missed just having it in his hands to play and toy with. "Is it maybe what? What's your theory, Sheppard?"</p><p>"I haven't got a theory." He said it as if he wasn't smart enough to have one, and Rodney knew that for the complete and utter lie that it was. Bastard. "It just seems like a complicated piece of Ancient equipment to be found on the Genii's planet."</p><p>"He probably picked it up the same place he took the ZPM from." Not that he'd asked. It had just all happened and those first few weeks were feeling like deja vu for him now. "It was a gift. He collected ancient artifacts. and broken control crystals, which incidentally can't be repaired. I spent enough time trying."</p><p>"Don't worry about it for now, Rodney. Just worry about being here, that'll be enough for now," Carson assured him, pumping the cuff. They both remained quiet when his fingers twirled the release valve, letting him listen to the pumping sounds of Rodney's heart until he let it go entirely, the air whooshing out in a steady phlump of sound. "Well, Rodney. I have to say that, at least as far as your blood pressure goes, living with the Genii's been good to you."</p><p>"I've been sleeping regularly. It's amazing what that can do for a person. You should check Sheppard's." He picked the toy up again, and loosely gestured to John. "Of course, maybe not having regular checkups has had something to do with it..."</p><p>Carson was rolling his eyes already. "Aye, aye, it's so terrible to have a physician who frets about you, even with your accompanying hypochondria," he sniffed. "But you were borderline hypertensive for a fair year before coming to Atlantis and it just got worse after. So forgive me for worrying, won't you?"</p><p>"Hey, I haven't seen a doctor in a year and I've been fine!" He hadn't even felt the need to get looked at for anything, and maybe he was a hypochondriac. But Acastus paid him attention and laughed when he cut his fingers on things and put a poultice on it and told him to stop whining. Kissed him quiet, kissed away any worries about infection and bacteria.</p><p>Kissed him, and he wouldn't anymore, and he was gone and...</p><p>"Hey, Rodney, you wanna go see some of the cool things they've found? While you were gone?" The offer was tentative, almost wrong in its uncertainty, and when he looked at Sheppard, those things were written across his face as loud as if he had shouted them.</p><p>He hoped he hadn't shouted any of them, but it was a little hard to be sure anymore. Rodney tilted his head back and looked at Carson for just a moment before he returned his attention to John. He didn't want to leave his room, or 'their' quarters, but eventually they’d make him. They'd drag him out of there kicking and screaming, and he had a feeling there was going to be enough staring without that.</p><p>At least if he was walking upright and of his own free will, he had free hands so he could punch someone if it came to that. And feet to run away with. It was better to feign agreement than to... be stupid. Or something. "Sure. Let me just... not wear clothes that I slept in and... sure."</p><p>Sure, because Zelenka was an evil bastard who had abandoned him to Sheppard's tender mercies, and Beckett was smiling at them both as if it was good to see them getting along except for the part where they, oh, completely weren't. "Great. No problem. Shower's that way. Hey, Doc, you wanna come take a look at....?"</p><p>"Oh. Oh. Oh, yes," Carson said, and the fact that Sheppard had to prompt him to get him to leave Rodney alone made his jaw clench. But it worked. Sheppard left and Carson went trailing after him to take a look at... whatever it was. Rodney was half curious, but just as determined not to care. He turned to look for clothes to take into the shower with him. It was just across the hallway, and hopefully it wasn't the only one. He'd seen what happened when four people shared one bathroom, and it was never pretty. The fact that Sheppard had to spend more time in there than a high-school girl to get his hair to look like that would figure prominently in the torture.</p><p>A recessed set of drawers was beside the bed, neatly placed to be available when needed and yet out of the way at all other times. Those whacky Ancients had been like that. It irritated Rodney every now and then, but mostly it made him grateful that he didn't whack his shins on a low-set dresser the way he had occasionally hit them on those empty stands that were all three-sided works of stupidly reproducible uselessness. Standing, he rummaged through the first drawer and was surprised to find all of his things -- t-shirts, boxer shorts, socks. Personal items, up to and including a tube of lubricant that made him fumble and blush because somebody had obviously seen that, and maybe more than one somebodies, and that was a pretty mortifying thought.</p><p>Then again, Sheppard had seen him having sex, which was also mortifying. He could hope that Sheppard had been the one to unpack his things into the drawers. Or Teyla, who'd probably think it was some kind of medical treatment.</p><p>Okay. Okay, so they'd unpacked all of his things, because there were uniforms in the second drawer and the third drawer had the much never used civilian clothes that probably didn't fit him anymore. It was just like he'd left it, except not, because he was in a room that wasn't his, overlooking the endless ocean, and if he walked out of the door he wasn't going to be in a hallway that led to the command center, but a horrifying dormitory scenario.</p><p>He hadn't lived in a dorm since he'd finished his undergraduate degree, and he'd only done it then because he was seventeen and Northwestern had firm rules on who had to stay in the dorm. It wasn't like his parents were going to come and stay with him, and Jeannie had only started college when he'd been on the verge of his masters.</p><p>What the hell. It wasn't as if his sexual proclivities were of interest to anyone, except maybe Carson. Carson would just worry about things one way or another, so Rodney slowly sorted out underwear, socks, a pair of jeans that would be too loose, a t-shirt that would be too big. They were his, and he wanted something that belonged to him, not the science uniform, not... not anything that didn't belong to him.</p><p>He knew what happened to uniforms on Atlantis. They were divvied up, and washed, of course, but one day it'd strike out of nowhere, the realisation that he was wearing Grodin's zipper collar overshirt and his skin would promptly try to crawl off. He supposed the Genii did that, too, with their clothing, no, he knew that, because most of his things had belonged to Chronos, so...</p><p>So it was all right if the jeans were loose and the shirt was big in the wrong places, because he remembered walking into a store and buying them and there was the coffee stain from one spilled doppe of expresso shots  that had never come out in the wash. They were his, belonged to him, and that... that meant something. A lot. He didn't know what. He couldn't...</p><p>"Rodney? Are you going to stare at the wall for the rest of the morning?"</p><p>He turned slowly with his things in hand, and Radek raised an eyebrow, tilting his head a little in that way he had, the one that was just a little insolent and just a little inquiring. Rodney had to admit that he had missed that, yes, he had, missed it quite a lot, actually, in his way.</p><p>"I'm thinking about it." There was a snap in Rodney's voice, and he clutched his clothes tightly in his hands. "Am I supposed to be doing somewhere?" And yes, yes, he had been, hadn't he? Out with John to look at something.</p><p>Radek gave that little shrug of his shoulders, the one that said I don't know, McKay, have you lost your mind? or something so like it that Rodney always, always wanted to stick out his tongue. "I asked simply because you were there, and almost staring into space. If there is nothing planned, then you can always come with me." His mouth twitched. "I have confiscated coffee."</p><p>"Sheppard thinks I'm going with him. He said he had something to show me." And it reminded him of Kolya and going off and maybe that was a pattern he needed to break if they were so fucking concerned about him going back to the old Rodney. "I, uh. Need to get dressed."</p><p>"Oh. Oh, of course!" Radek nodded, but he remained there in the door for a moment. Rodney saw him steel himself, and tipped his own chin upwards in preparation for whatever he was going to say. "You know, we are very pleased that you are home again, Rodney. You were missed. And not just for what you know."</p><p>He hadn't actually thought that anyone cared about him for anything but that. Because he knew everything. He knew how to do everything, but so... apparently did Radek. "Since you've been doing fine here without me..." He lifted his chin up. "I suppose you don't need me for my intellect anymore."</p><p>That grin was extremely charming, and he didn't want to admit that he had missed it. No, no, he didn't, but he had, a great deal, actually. "I did not say that. However, even had you returned remembering nothing, I would still be your friend."</p><p>"I might have been nicer if I didn't remember some of your dumber theories." Rodney twisted a little, because it was easier than looking at Radek. "Look, I uh. Need to get dressed. It's uh. I'm glad you hit Sheppard. That you, that someone around here would do something like that, not specifically that you broke a lamp over his head."</p><p>"Is nothing." Radek waved a hand. "It was a very ugly piece of pottery. I will let you get dressed, yes? Bathroom is over there, and, uh... I think there are also confiscated PopTarts." Radek knew more about the underground supply line than anyone, and he was also completely fearless when it came to getting things that he wanted. The fact that he'd gotten things Rodney wanted, well. That was just kind of... sweet.</p><p>"PopTarts. Carson was so proud of my blood pressure, too. I've been living off of wheat breads and Tava bean paste for breakfast." He finally gave up and set his clothes on the bed. "Now just... go, so I can change my clothes and come out again."</p><p>"Yes, yes, going, going." Radek did, and that was something. It left him time to rummage for socks, at least, to wonder where shoes would be, and he didn't really need shoes to stop and shower, did he? Not so much, so he bundled things together and steeled himself to leave the room and to face... whatever. Whoever.</p><p>It was a little surprising to find an empty hallway. There were voices a little away, in what he was thinking of as the living room but it was Radek and John, and that was fine. Hopefully another lamp would be involved, and Rodney was able to sneak across the hallway and into the bathroom. This time, when he closed the door it was going to stay closed and locked if he had to take a control panel off and disable it locked.</p><p>Nobody had the right to see him naked anymore. Just... nobody.</p><p>Nobody, and that thought really made him shudder, made him gasp suddenly because Acastus had that right but he was gone, and that changed everything, absolutely everything.</p><p>It took a moment for him to pull himself back together, to set down his clothes and make sure the door locked instead of just shutting behind him. He hoped moments like that would be few and far between, but he didn't want to place any bets about them, either.</p><p>He missed Acastus, and Rodney didn't think his head would ever get tired of running over that fresh ground. He missed Acastus no matter what he'd lied to him about, because he could have lived in happy ignorance there until he died of old age, except for that one tiny thing. And that one tiny thing, the bringing women home and making Rodney have sex with them thing, it wasn't that bad. He'd had more bizarre, destructive relationships than that. </p><p>He'd had girlfriends who'd actively hit him and he'd had boyfriends who'd cheated on him and slashed his car tires. He was so never forgetting that one time with the sugar in the gas tank of his ancient Pinto. He'd really loved that crazy, dangerous thing, too.</p><p>That probably explained why he felt the way he did about Acastus, actually, and he considered that seriously while he finished stripping and stepped into the shower, adjusting the water with a touch that automatically found just the temperature he wanted. It was nothing like the rattling pipes and the faintly sulfur scent he was familiar with by now, water raining down instead of splashing into a deep tub.</p><p>Rodney missed that. He missed fiddling with the pipes and the technology and the hands on of it all. Atlantis was beautifully automated, humming around him to a different tune than the Genii Homeworld.  He had to blink, get used to water in his eyes again. There wasn't any going back. He couldn't go back and he needed to work out what was wrong in his head so he could go on or do something with his current situation.</p><p>He just didn't know what, or where to start, and frankly, it could wait until after his shower.</p>
<hr/><p>"I can't believe you're going to feed him PopTarts! For God's sake, Radek, his blood pressure's finally down!"</p><p>"I am trying to make him feel better. I do not have Genii food to offer him!" Radek was perched on the edge of a chair, and he wasn't letting Carson confiscate the PopTarts, or John. Which was fine, except John didn't remember Radek having PopTarts or PopTarts being available in the city for at least four months. He had them stored away somewhere.</p><p>John figured it was a fair bet as to where all of the good coffee had gone, too. Sneaky little bastard.</p><p>"We'll just make something healthy for lunch, Doc. I mean, c'mon. PopTarts." That was a mouthful in and of itself, really, in a squishy sugar-laden rattling package. "We've got those greens Halling's been growing, and hey. Some of that smelly goat cheese and deer bits." They were kind of like bacon bits except completely not. John liked them. They were sort of gamey and dry and crunchy all at once, and apparently low fat and high protein. What else could the doc want? </p><p>"I don't want to have him back in my hospital for any new injuries or sicknesses." Carson shot him a look as he leaned down a little, looking at the PopTarts box. They were S'mores, too. Damn. "I released him against my better judgement to your care."</p><p>"And we're going to take good care of him," John promised smoothly. Yeah. That was going over really well with the junk on the table. "These are just coming home presents. Sort of." Yeah, and he hadn't just decked Rodney last night, either. Carson wasn't going to believe him no matter what he said.</p><p>Carson was looking at them both like they were insane. "Coming home presents. Fine, but after this, no more of it! I'll be surprised if he doesn't get sick from eating refined sugar after so long without the stuff."</p><p>"Oh. Oh. Perhaps we should eat the PopTarts ourselves..." Radek snuck a look in John's direction that implied  the we didn't apply to him. Well, wasn't that just what he got, all things considered? "But that would be cruel and unusual. I already promised him. We will take the risk."</p><p>Carson glanced at Radek, and then at the PopTarts again, and finally sighed. "Fine, fine. You have the sedative if you find it necessary, although if you administer it, I'd appreciate being notified. And if there's nothing else...?" The funny thing with Carson was he actually waited to see if anyone had any other questions, if he or Radek were going to pull a deep concern out of their asses while he stood there. "All right. You have a good day."</p><p>"We will. You, too." John nodded, feeling calm enough, he supposed. He wasn't going to hit Rodney again, and it didn't seem like McKay was going to fling himself into some sort of crazed tizzy anytime soon. Of course, John had really kind of figured he'd be grateful to be rescued instead of going all slap-happy, too, so he wasn't much of a judge of character, apparently.</p><p>Of course, it didn't make sense to him because he hadn't been expecting for Rodney to have been completely brainwashed by the Genii. Which he had been if he was placing someone's sick imaginary love over the fact that he had a mission and a job and Nobel prizes to shoot for on the Atlantis mission. The Rodney that John remembered would have been angry at the mere suggestion that he'd mourn all of that away over love. Over something that was obvious to everyone else more than a little skewed.</p><p>John had just had the balls to say it and do something about it.</p><p>Okay, so, admittedly he hadn't been thinking about that at the time. He hadn't been thinking about anything, actually, just the red haze over his eyes, a wash of impotent fury that had stopped him from doing anything even remotely rational. He could acknowledge that to himself even if he wasn't about to let anyone else know anything about it. The sight of Kolya  alone had been more than enough to make him go just a little bit crazy.</p><p>He wasn't going to admit that to Radek, though, even if the squirrely Czech was looking at him like he already knew.</p><p>"I think he has moved into the bathroom. I hope that he has not drifted off again."</p><p>"Drifted off?" To sleep, John assumed. Hoped. "Nah. We'd have heard him fall over if that was the case." Maybe. Probably, actually, since Atlantis seemed to be outdoing herself to let them know things were okay. The lights were a little brighter, the doors opened a little faster when Rodney came through them.</p><p>They'd done the same when John had finally been released from the infirmary. It was kind of funny that the city had favorite sons. It was kind of funny that he hadn't realised how Atlantis had reacted to McKay until McKay wasn't there anymore. The city had probably missed him as much as they had.</p><p>"He was staring at a wall when I went in to check on him in his room." Radek was peering at him through his glasses, eyes wide, and he was trying to convey concern, yeah, John got that, but at that point, extra concern wasn't going to get them extra results. It was just gonna make them paranoid and twitchy and unpleasant to deal with, which certainly had its downside in so very many ways.</p><p>"Yeah, well, he's probably gonna do that for a while." Shell shock, and he wouldn't be entirely surprised if Radek didn't already know that and just not want to think about it. "We'll just make sure he keeps up his visits with Heightmeyer and..." Make sure he didn't think about that son of a bitch Kolya any more than he had to.</p><p>Make sure that neither of them thought about Kolya much more than he had to. "I saw that you gave him device. Did he take well to that?" In the background, John could hear the water turning off. Good, they probably had anywhere from five to ten minutes until Rodney joined them. That meant John had five to ten minutes to work out just what he was going to show Rodney.</p><p>He hadn't considered specifically what he wanted to show him. There were a lot of cool things that they'd found while he had been gone, true, but John hadn't really been in on the finding enough to have a clue. He'd be making it up as they went along, but that was one of his strengths. "Took it, clutched it, started it up." He shrugged. "It started to make this kind of noise when he had it, too. Kind of on the edge of hearing. I can't decide if it's irritating or...." Or not.</p><p>"Thought so." Radek had the nerve to sound smug, and he finally sat back, unsheilding the PopTarts. "I think that much like the personal shield he found, it has imprinted on him. After so many thousands of years, the previous imprints fade. We're not actually sure how an imprintation lasts."</p><p>"I wonder what would happen if we could recharge the personal shield...?" Maybe they could find out how it worked, figure out a way to make more of them. Of course, they hadn't managed that with the ZPMs yet, so it wasn't like they'd be in a hurry to do that. They still had the dead one they'd gotten from Ladon, and that thought just brought him full circle back to the Genii, making his jaw clench tightly.</p><p>"It would perhaps still imprint on Rodney, or perhaps not. Perhaps the power drain was like a reset. I am not sure." Radek shrugged his shoulders. "Weir mentioned last evening that she is working on another visit to the Genii Homeworld. They have a ZPM, the one that I believe Rodney has mentioned. You... are probably not to be invited, Colonel."</p><p>"I expect not." No, they'd probably all rather dig holes in their own skulls than let him go back and kill another one, and wow. Wow, that was a hell of a temptation, really, because killing Ladon would be nice. The man had to have known McKay was there, and that fact really made John a little twitchy. "On the other hand, maybe you can point out some cool stuff to entertain me in the meantime. And by entertain me, I mean cool stuff to show Rodney."</p><p>"If you checked your in Atlantis messages, you would have long list with locations." There was a sharp look from Radek, and then he shrugged his shoulders. "Go down towards botany lab. Take transporter down a level and take leftmost hallway. We have been clearing labs in that direction and there have been developments that could have led to control chair in that area. Or led from. We are not sure."</p><p>Okay, that sounded plenty cool enough to get Rodney's attention and keep it. Probably. "Great. And I promise I'll get around to checking those messages any time now." Any time, because he'd been kind of lax on the scientific edge of things. The fact that Rodney was missing had kind of made things difficult, made him want to pretend that they weren't discovering things without him.</p><p>The city had lost a little of its kid in a candystore wonder for him, because it honestly wasn't as fun to explore it with other people as it had been to explore with McKay. Ford had been great, actually, but Ford was... still somewhere. Or dead. But John had lost a lot of faith in 'dead' now that he had Rodney back. Ronon was trustworthy, but not that interesting for exploring.</p><p>Radek opened his mouth, but then they both heard, "Check what messages?"</p><p>John cleared his throat, turning his head a little. Rodney was in the doorway wearing jeans and a t-shirt. They were too big, but it just made him look... kind of hot, actually. Jesus, he was losing his mind, what little mind he might have had. Wow. "Radek here sends out these rambling emails about what they've found lately. I don't go on the exploration trips so much these days, so I tend to catch up in one fell swoop. So to speak." Eventually.</p><p>"Huh.  So just what do you do now, Sheppard? Because even I've been out exploring ruins, and I was apparently some kind of PoW." Rodney shoved his hands onto his pockets, and only walked a little closer to them. His tone was all 'so what's your excuse', except maybe Rodney actually wanted to hear his excuse.</p><p>"Well, for the first three months you were some kind of PoW, I spent a lot of time in the infirmary. Then, I was on partial duty for a while." After that, exploring without Rodney had just made him miserable and kind of cranky, and he was honestly starting to think that the Marines might stuff his body in the nearest Ancient approximation of a closet and then avoid the stench while they 'looked' for him.</p><p>And that happening was just as much of a risk now that he had McKay back as it had been before he'd lost him. Rodney lifted his chin a little, reaching for that obnoxious defiant look, but it was his eyes that were faltering. Finally he looked away, and caught Radek's eyes. "Still doesn't answer my quest -- are those Smores PopTarts?"</p><p>Thank God for Radek and his junk food black market.</p><p>"Yes, yes, although I thought perhaps you would prefer the brown sugar variety, but then there were these, and they seemed more pleasing on the whole, yes? All of your favorite things." Radek seemed entirely pleased with himself. "Carson is not so pleased and made us swear that these will be the only ones you are allowed."</p><p>"I missed chocolate," Rodney declared quietly, and he sat down in the other single seater chair, reaching for the box. "Tava bean paste is all good and well, and it reminded me a little of chocolate, but I could have been a little desperate for something familiar to compare it to."</p><p>"Yes, yes," and Radek babbled on happily to Rodney about chocolate, handing him a cup of the tea they'd been growing on the mainland, distracting him so that John didn't have to answer. They had tava bean paste somewhere, he knew, but they didn't want Rodney to have it and be reminded of where he had been. Better that he have the tea and the PopTarts, that John quietly settle down with his own cup so that he didn't have to answer that question, ever.</p><p>Rodney didn't eat the way he used to, even. He probably would have scarfed that down in seconds before, but now he had one packet open, and the two PopTarts separated out, and he broke off a piece and started to eat it that way, savoring it, and taking pauses with tea-sips between bites.</p><p>"You know, I forgot how sweet this is."</p><p>"Is diabetic coma waiting to happen," Radek agreed, "and very bad for you, and Carson was most displeased."</p><p>"He was, however, willing to let you eat them, and we'll just have to take that at face value." John gave Rodney a little smile, and the look of distrust it earned him twinged a little, a pang somewhere in the vicinity of his stomach, maybe. "When you're done, we'll go check out some of the stuff Radek's been sending mail about. If you don't want to go with me, I'm sure Ronon or Teyla'd be glad to go with you."</p><p>Rodney ate another piece of his PopTart, and frustratingly enough it seemed like he wasn't going to answer for a long time. "No, I'll. I'll go with you, that's fine. Since it seems as if you're just brimming with free time."</p><p>The sarcasm didn't set him off. John just gave a slow, lazy kind of smile and leaned back in his chair. "Good. I'm sure that you can find some way to put me to good use, McKay."</p><p>And boy, that came out all wrong, and the way Rodney's face froze said it better than anything else.</p><p>"Yes, yes," Radek hurried to say. "Get him out of our hair, please, put him to work turn... touchi... ah..... oh dear."</p><p>"Using his gene to activate equipment." Rodney said it with a straight face, but even that momentarily seemed like a bad pun. He'd finished both PopTarts, and carefully closed the box. "Fine, fine. Great. Let me just, uh, put these somewhere and..." His face was still frozen, though, closed off while he snatched the box up and ducked into his room.</p><p>"Well. That went well. Don't you think that went well?" John asked Radek, the rhetorical nature of the question as blatant as the underlying sarcasm.</p><p>Radek shrugged, hands raised helplessly. "I think you will be lucky if he does not stuff you in some small enclosed space and leave you behind."</p><p>Right. Yeah. That was about the sum of it.</p>
<hr/><p>Fall back to Atlantis.</p><p>Fall back to Atlantis, fall back, name ranks and falling back, and it made sense now. If a group of people were going to fall back to anywhere, it would have been Atlantis, even if their allies were savvy space-travelling humans who'd had an intergalactic union between planets that wasn't good enough to stop the Wraith.</p><p>He hadn't expected to feel that home-feeling again after he'd started to tromp along through the city with Sheppard.</p><p>He had wanted to feel as if it wasn't home, as if this place didn't belong to him, in its own way. Rodney wanted to remember the time with Kolya, for Kolya House to be the place where he felt welcomed and surrounded with all of the good things he remembered.</p><p>He hadn't wanted Atlantis to feel better than tava bean tea.</p><p>"Oh, hey, cool," John said as they came to a full stop in an open doorway, and the thing that really, incredibly sucked was that it was.</p><p>Before them lay a room full of dips and twists, full-formed crevices in the floor that seemed to go nowhere. They were all different colors, though, and Rodney knew if he reached out, they'd be different textures, too, just from the look of them. The only not-cool thing was that he wasn't sure what they did.</p><p>He shoved his hands in his pockets, watching John linger in the doorway half a step ahead of him. "This is... novel. Did Radek mention if anyone's set foot in this room?" Because he didn't particularly want his first day back exploring on Atlantis to be marked by a return trip to the infirmary because a floor ate his leg.</p><p>"What he mentioned is that they figured out what it does." And whatever it was made John grin from ear to ear and move into the room, down the side of the wall where everything just kind of gradually sloped. "It's even run off of... Well, you'll see. So it's not all that big a drain on the systems." He was moving towards one of the lower-level dips, near the bottom of the room, and wasn't it odd that the room could be considered as having a bottom end?</p><p>Rodney was careful to shadow John step by step, looking at the flooring carefully and trying to guess at what the room did. He'd gotten too used to feeling his way through Genii ruins, and thinking usefully and he knew that whatever they were standing in was probably amazing or at least interesting, but he couldn't guess why the floor did that, let alone what it implied. "So, what does it do?"</p><p>"Well, apparently there was some pretty hot debate. Kavanaugh thought it had to do with desalinization. The botanists thought it was some really cool form of free-flowing lava lamp. Apparently? This room really likes Pink Floyd." John wasn't explaining, though, and that made Rodney impatient. "Me? I just think it's kinda cool."</p><p>With that, he reached out and touched one spot, nearly invisible beneath the floor, and it started. The heavy trickling of water caught his ear, the pool filling slowly and then spilling into the one just below it, and the one below that. Blobs were forming in them and then floating upwards in the water, floating and bursting through the surface to dance around above it as they made their way erratically towards the ceiling and the darkness there that shielded everything. Rodney couldn't see what was up there, but he'd bet it was incredibly cool.</p><p>"This is... better than the decorative tanks that line the wall," Rodney murmured, looking up to the indeterminable roof of the room. "This... is like the bubble room in Willy Wonka. Has anyone analyzed composition of the water when it starts to rise?"</p><p>"I have no idea." John was grinning at him, though, almost painfully pleased. "I'm willing to settle for it being damn cool. It's cheap, I know," he admitted, and then sat down to pull off his boots. "C'mon. They say it's okay to dangle your toes."</p><p>"And why should I trust you around pools of water? How can they say it's 'okay' if they don't even know what it does?" Zelenka probably knew, but Sheppard was playing stupid again because Rodney  remembered that Radek was as likely to waste time explaining things to the marines as Rodney had been.</p><p>Explaining to Sheppard, on the other hand...</p><p>"C'mon. The memo came directly from Zelenka, so you don't have to be worried. Your toes won't fall off or anything. Probably."</p><p>John's naked feet really shouldn't affect him this way. Not at all. John's naked feet should not actually be naked.</p><p>"You're really doing it? You're going to put your feet in that? Look, this is fascinating, but, I know what you're trying to do here." And he knew what Acastus had done, and he needed not to think on it because he'd fallen back to fucking Atlantis, and he got the point.</p><p>Damn Sheppard and that eyebrow. "Trying to get my feet wet?" He plopped them in, the edges of his pants getting wet immediately and turning an even darker black. "C'mon, McKay. Zelenka said it'd be okay to get in completely naked, even. Apparently, there's a ton of notes on the place. Elizabeth swears it was some kind of sauna."</p><p>Rodney started to shake his head, and took a step backwards. "No, no, just, no, this is insane, I can't do this." He turned, moving sharply, and walked right into one of those floating bubbles of water.</p><p>"Can't get your feet wet?" God. He hated Sheppard, hated him, hated him. Hated him for everything he'd done, hated that he had made it so that Rodney equated water with blood raining down across him in a shattering, warm sticky spill, hated that he wanted this to be easy when it was anything but that.</p><p>He wasn't going to hyperventilate. It was really, really an amazing room, and it would probably do something lovely and inane like pulse and glow the longer someone sat there, or maybe just for John, but it didn't matter because he couldn't help but think about the way blood diluted in water, heavier than water, thick drops slinking down through the water in upside down mushroom cloud bursts.</p><p>"McKay?"</p><p>He was going to be sick. So sick, and that was going to look good in all of that sweet, metallic scented water, wasn't it? Splashes of vomit that would probably look like S'mores PopTarts.</p><p>Oh. God.</p><p>It was a miracle that he managed to stagger to the door, tripping and hitting his knees hard before he started to choke, before he started to struggle not to throw up, because it was a fucking water amusement room and he should be fine, he had to be fine because no one fucking understood and they didn't want to because he had to be okay, just like everything had been before. Just so, just perfect, and he wasn't going to throw up.</p><p>Wasn't.</p><p>John's hand was on him when he did, a puddle of half-digested PopTart on the floor that just made him gag again, justified the tears that slid out and plopped down with it, and that... all of that just felt like complete shit.</p><p>"Oh, geeze, Rodney, I'm... okay, that's pretty disgusting. If I had known, I swear I... there you go. C'mon. C'mon. Let's... sit back, yeah, a little away from that...."</p><p>Back into the hallway, back propped up against a wall while he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand because it wasn't as if they were anywhere near a bathroom. If he'd known. If he'd known, and he knew, John knew what he'd done, he'd done it to get Rodney there and now he was there and they were tormenting him with things like that. Little glimpses of what had been and what wasn't going to be and what wasn't anymore. "Sorry."</p><p>"Hey, buddy. It's okay. C'mon, it's okay, let me..." Fumbling, and there was chemical damp against his face, some kind of wipe that was probably supposed to make him feel better except for the part where it really just wasn't. "C'mon. I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking..."</p><p>Yeah.</p><p>"You did that on purpose." It was a shaky accusation, and his voice cracked when it rose, but Rodney couldn't help that. He rubbed at his eyes with the fingers of his other hand, and tried to look at what Sheppard was doing, at least. "I, I don't want to sit in a pool with you and I don't want to get my feet wet because all I can see is blood, and you're not him, and you're trying to be him and..."</p><p>Sound. Broken sound, really, and Rodney couldn't be sure if it was him or John, and either way, it wasn't like it really mattered a whole lot, did it? It was all wrong, and he was shaking, as much from throwing up as the horror of all that water, and he just couldn't... couldn't handle it. He couldn't.</p><p>"I didn't think. I didn't even think when I was doing it, Rodney! You were... We thought you were gone. Wraith food, something, and you were there, and he was... and I couldn't..."</p><p>And Rodney didn't care, he didn't. It was the same excuses, reasons he'd been given before, and it didn't change it because there was nothing he could say to make it make sense for them. Rodney hugged at his stomach, tried to pressure away the sick-feeling, and wiped at his eyes again. "I thought you were gone. And yes, yes, he was lying, and yes, it was really, really..." Rodney swallowed, and tried to shove his vocal pitch down from an angry whine. "Fucked up. I thought about you every day, but you were dead. I missed you every day, but all I had was him, and he didn't do things like this to me!"</p><p>Things like make him crazy, make him want to hit John back, make him want to throw up and cry and scream and...</p><p>"Hey. Hey. Rodney. You gotta... take a deep breath. C'mon, buddy, if I have to call Carson, he's gonna start talking about prostate exams, and I'm really not prepared for those just yet."</p><p>Then maybe he should get ready. Because the stupid line set him off thinking about Acastus's fingers and the women and if it hadn't been for that, then Rodney might never have doubted him. If it hadn't been for that one thing that made him agitated, that one thing that stretched too far past Rodney's comfort area, it, but the pool, and the water. Rodney could only shake his head at John, because dammit, he was trying to breathe.</p><p>"Okay. Okay. Look at me. C'mon, Rodney. I want you to look at me, c'mere." And yes, yes, of course, John, and John was wrong and right and completely... it was a complete fuck-up of monumental proportions, and passing out would feel a lot better right now. "I want you to... Here." His hand, on John's chest, and John was pulling in slow, deep, obvious breaths. "I want you to breathe with me. C'mon, McKay, I know you can do this. You can do anything."</p><p>"I can't." He couldn't do anything, he hadn't, he should have been able to work out that the gate shield had been a trap, a trick, and that they'd  gotten under there and screwed with the control crystals for the seventh chevron, but just some of them and now it made sense but then, when he was thick with grief and a little drunk, and Acastus had been holding him back so he didn't hurt himself. Then it hadn't made sense.</p><p>John's chest was under his fingers still, and he was still breathing in those measured breaths, and Rodney caught himself breathing with him.</p><p>"You can."</p><p>Could because John believed. Maybe he always could, and there was no hiding the keening sound of grief or the fact that he was falling completely fucking apart.</p><p>"You can. You always could."</p>
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